


Battle of Fear and Trust

by DaughterofEve3



Category: Chronicles of Narnia (Movies), Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types, Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: A Spiritual Journey, A Susan story with a twist, Evil Susan, Gen, Lots of Angst, Peter gets married towards the end, Starts in the middle of Prince Caspian, Susan POV, Susan at her best, Susan at her worst, Susan has an unwanted guest, Who becomes a wanted guest, and a Susan who's somewhere in between, goes a little past Last Battle, major character deaths, mix of movie and book cannon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-24 11:13:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 68,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16173917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaughterofEve3/pseuds/DaughterofEve3
Summary: "You have listen to your fears child"-Aslan, 'Prince Caspian'Susan may not be able to return to Narnia, but the battle for her soul is far from over.





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly a draft

There’s silence as a cold breeze sweeps through Aslan’s How, matching the hopelessness I see in the Narnians’ eyes. Some of them mourn the soldiers that were lost in the raid of Miraz castle last night. “Here, you should drink this,” I tell a few centaurs.

“Thank you, your majesty”

“Please, call me Susan” I answer back. I try my best to comfort them like I did when we ruled Narnia. Many of the Narnians have lost loved ones, soldiers that have gone off to war, so why not give them as much comfort as I can? I usually stay behind at the castle to avoid the violence, but now that I am here I can do my best to comfort and encourage the others. I eventually leave the room, as a single tear rolls down my cheek.

Oh how I hate seeing them like this: hurt and scared. We should have left, why didn’t Peter just call the whole thing off? We could have gotten Ed and told the others the raid was off. I’m not even sure why I went with them, or why we had to come back here, everything we had is lost. Oh why did we have to find that lamppost? We could have stayed here and ruled for the rest of our lives and made sure the Telmarines never took over, but what’s done is done, that’s what Aslan used to say.

_Aslan…where is he? Why did he leave us?_

Lucy screams cutting through my thoughts.

I run toward the sound of her voice and fighting. My first thought is that Peter and Caspian are fighting, but when I reach the room with the stone table, I see the cold hearted monster who brought so much misery to this world and almost killed my little brother. She’s standing in a wall of ice, a wall that Peter is standing by. Peter slowly lowers his sword while Caspian is next to him, but why? Why is he just standing there, allowing the witch to speak at all?

No, they can’t bring her back, why would they even consider it? I run next to Peter when the ice starts cracking, and the witch screams as the wall shatters. Ice crystals shatter all around me as a sudden chill comes over me. I feel so cold and empty.

“I know, you had it sorted,” Edmund says coldly toward Peter. I barely notice him standing where the ice wall was and as he leaves I see the carving of Aslan. The coldness I felt a moment ago is gone.

Chapter 2

“Are you alright, Susan?” Caspian asks while helping me up. I don’t notice him for a second, I feel numb from the cold. I don’t remember what just happened until I look back at the carving behind the shattered ice.

“I’m fine,” I say before turning to Peter. I can’t help being angry with him, he knows how much harm the Witch has caused, especially towards Edmund. But his look tells me that he realizes this. Hopefully Ed wasn’t too hurt by what just happened.

As I walk down the hall I see Edmund and Lucy sitting quietly in one of the many rooms. Lucy sees me as I pass and runs toward me, “Susan, is Peter still at the stone table?”

“Yes, you might want to go talk to him.” Lucy nods and leaves the room as Edmund continues to stare at the wall. I sit next to Edmund, “Are you alright, Ed? She didn’t upset you did she?”

“I’m fine,” he says calmly like he usually does when he’s bothered by something and doesn’t want anyone to know he’s upset.

“I don’t think Peter meant to disappoint you. He’s just stressed, this past year hasn’t been easy on him.”

“I know… I thought Peter was going to strike the ice wall without a second thought, like he would have before.” He sighs and adds quietly, “He also would have sought after Aslan before any battle…”

“Edmund, don’t you think Aslan would have shown himself if he was going to help at all?”

“Aslan isn’t gone, Susan. Just because we can’t see him, doesn’t mean he isn’t there.”

I stand up sighing. I know Ed’s right in saying that Peter should have sought Aslan before the Raid, but would that have changed anything if he had?

“Susan, I know this past year was hard for you as well and coming back to find out that everyone we knew is gone has made things worse. It’s easy to think that Aslan abandoned us, but we just need to trust that Aslan has something bigger planned.”

“I don’t know if I can,” I whisper then moan as a shiver suddenly goes through my body at the same time my head starts to pound.

“Su?” I barely hear him as I fall to my knees. ‘’SUSAN!” Edmund gets next to me and puts his hand on my shoulder as the pain passes.

“I’m alright, Ed, it’s just a headache,” I mutter as he pulls me up.

He looks at my hand with a confused look. “Why is your hand so cold?”

“Your Majesties,” I turn to see Trufflehunter the Badger, “the Telmarines are approaching.” Edmund and I exchange a look.

“I’ll go tell Peter,” he says before exiting the room.

Outside the How, I join the others to watch as hundreds of Telmarine soldiers march toward us. I look at Peter and Caspian hoping one of them has some kind of plan. They walk back in the How, so I follow them.

“Caspian, I apologize for my behavior,” Peter says as we walk down the hall.

“I apologize as well I shouldn’t let my anger get the best of me.”

“The truth is my siblings and I didn’t come here to take your place, but to put you in it and that’s what we’re going to do.” Peter states looking and sounding more like the High King of Narnia who was ready to defend his beloved country.

“Do you have any idea on how we’re going to do that?” Edmund asks who’s walking a little ahead of me.

“We’re going to do what we should have done in the first place,” Peter replies, “Lucy, do you remember where you saw Aslan?”

“Yes,” says Lucy who’s walking next to me.

“Good. I want You and Susan to go back there.”

“What?! Peter, it’s too dangerous! What if the Telmarine see us?” I say in shock while running up next to him.

“Susan, we can’t defeat Miraz without Aslan. Lucy says she saw him in the woods not too far from here and that he’s waiting for her. I’m sure Lucy doesn’t want to go alone.”  
“But, Peter, what if she’s wrong and we don’t find him?”

“When is Lucy ever wrong?” I roll my eyes and sigh in response. It’s not that I don’t want go with Lucy, I just don’t think we should risk it when we don’t know if he’s really there or if Lucy just dreamed him there. How come Peter, Edmund, Lucy and everyone else are so sure Aslan will be there?

We go into another room and Peter explains his plan to the others. “Cakes and kettledrums, that’s your next big plan?” Trumpkin interrupts him and walks toward Lucy. “Sending a little girl into the darkest parts of the forest? Alone!” _At least I’m not the only one who doesn’t think we’ll find him…_

“It’s our only chance” Peter defends as I realize he might be right.

“And she won’t be alone,” I add gently.

Trumpkin looks at Lucy with concern, “Haven’t enough of us died already?”

“Nickabrik was my friend, too, but he lost hope.” Trufflehunter says calmly before adding, “Queen Lucy hasn’t lost hope. And neither have I.”

Reepicheep unsheathes his sword and places it across his chest, “For Aslan!”

“For Aslan!” the Bear adds.

_Oh Aslan, why can’t I see you?_


	2. Chapter 2

As Lucy and I get ready to meet Aslan I make sure to grab my bow and arrows just in case the Telmarine spot us before we reach him, if he’s even there.  
I look over at Peter and Edmund both dressed in Narnian armor getting ready for the duel with Miraz. I walk over to them, “Are you and Ed ready?”

“As ready as we’ll ever be, are you?”

“I think so,” I give him a hug, hopefully it won’t be the last time I do. “Be careful.”

“Don’t worry, Su, Peter is one of the best swordsman in Narnia. Well, next to me that is.” Edmund adds sarcastically.

I smile and give him a hug as well. “You be careful, too, Ed, I wouldn’t want Lucy to have to use her cordial on either of you.”

“Yes, Mum!” They both say at the same time while laughing. I can’t help smiling: we always had conversations like this before any of us would go to war or on any other adventures. I always want to make sure they know I love them. Lucy comes over and gives Peter and Edmund hugs for the same reason. Then we meet Caspian in the back part of the How where he helps us get situated on the horse.

“Destrier has always served me well. You are in good hands,” he reassures us.

“Or hooves,” Lucy giggles. It’s nice of him to let us use his horse, I just hope we’re not wasting our time trying to find Aslan.

We ride through the forest as fast as we can while trying to stay hidden among the trees. As we’re riding, Lucy says with fear in her voice that chills me to the bone, “They’ve seen us!” Looking over I see a few Telmarines chasing after us on horse. I slow down preparing to dismount and send Lucy on ahead without me. I’m not going to let them hurt Lucy.  
“GO! I’ll hold them off!” I look back and see Caspian on a horse.

As he fights the Telmarines, we resume riding, hoping we’re not spotted by anymore enemy soldiers and hoping Aslan is where we’re going.

As we continue on I hear another Telmarine riding behind us. He’s much closer than the others were. Oh what do I do? There’s no time to get off the horse and let Lucy continue on while I take care of him. He’s getting closer. _Oh, please, don’t hurt Lucy!_

A loud roar suddenly spooks our horse and causes Lucy and I to fall to the ground. Then I see something fly over us. Could it really be him? I notice Lucy looking at something and look in that direction to see the Telmarine running away and the face of the majestic lion, the one who has done so much for not only me and my family, but all of Narnia. Of course he’s here, how could I have thought otherwise?

“Aslan!” Lucy exclaims cheerfully and runs over to him knocking him to the ground with her hug.

I move behind a tree to hide myself from him, I begin to feel as cold as I did when the ice fell on me. I can’t bear to go over to him. So many things were happening I had to blame someone. I hear footsteps running in my direction, “Susan, come on, Aslan’s waiting for you. Susan?”

“I see him.” I say in a small voice. I shouldn’t have been so angry with the others for trusting him. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper as Lucy walks around the tree I’m hiding behind.  
“That’s all right,” she says after sitting next to me.

“You were right, the other night when you said that I didn’t want to see him. The truth is I always knew he was there- I mean deep down inside. Or could have. If I’d let myself,” I say quietly, as tears form in my eyes. “Oh, Lucy, whatever am I to say to him?”

“Perhaps you won’t need to say much.” She says smiling, then stands up and holds out her hand. “Come on, he’s waiting for us.” I take it and we slowly walk to Aslan.

“Susan.” He says in a strong and deep voice. I’m sure he’s angry with me for not believing. I should have known better; I was just... “You have listened to your fears, Child.” Tears stream down my cheeks. “Come, let me breathe on you,” I nod and feel the warm breath of Aslan upon me. It feels much like the first time when I heard his name, when delightful strains of music were playing in my head and driving away my doubts, but there is still a tiny chill that won’t let go. “Forget them. Are you brave again?” he asks calmly.

I look at him, “A little.” He begins to smile.

“Aslan?” Lucy whispers. I turn to her as she looks at the ground for a moment then back at Aslan. “If I’d have come earlier, would everyone who died…could I have stopped that?”

Aslan’s face saddens, “We can never know what would have happened, Lucy.” I walk over to her and put my hand on her shoulder. I can’t help but feel responsible for keeping her from coming to him. “But what will happen is another matter entirely.”

“You mean you’ll help?” I ask,

“Of course. As will you,” Aslan looks at both of us.

Lucy steps back, “Oh. I wish I was braver.”

“If you were any braver, you’d be a lioness.” He reassures her, “Now, I think your friends have slept long enough, don’t you?” Aslan roars as Lucy and I exchange a smile and we watch as the trees start to dance like they used to do when we ruled. I almost forgot how beautiful Narnia can be. “Come, Children, ride on my back.”

Lucy and I climb onto his warm golden back and take off like we did so many years ago on the day when the most amazing thing happened, something I never thought possible: the day Aslan conquered death.

We ride down to Beruna’s Bridge. “Now we must hurry, the others will be here shortly.” Lucy and I roll off Aslan’s back and walk toward the bridge. As I hear the war cry of the oncoming soldiers I freeze and watch Lucy walk on like a lioness. _I could never just face them like that._ “I’m right here, Susan,” I turn to see Aslan standing beside me and we move to stand next to Lucy.

I see the Telmarine soldiers on the other side and the Narnians behind them. I am not sure who the man leading the Telmarines is, but it’s not Miraz. I’m guessing Peter won the duel, but I didn’t think Peter would actually kill him, something must have gone wrong.

“Charge!” the one in the lead shouts and the rest of the Telmarines start to come across the bridge when Aslan lets out a load roar. They stop and the water starts to shake. A wave starts to build up further up the river and take on the form of a giant man, one of Aslan’s servants. He takes out the bridge and some of the Telmarine soldiers. In mere moments the water becomes calm again and the war is over.

I stand next to Lucy as I watch the remaining Telmarine surrender their weapon, I can’t but gran feeling happier than have in long time. It always such a relieve knowing a war is over. I think to myself as Peter, Edmund, and Caspian make their way toward us and fall to their knees in reverence before Aslan.

“Rise, Kings of Narnia,” Aslan gently commands. Peter and Edmund stand looking to Aslan. They both of them seem “All of you,” he says to Caspian.

“I do not think I am ready.” Caspian says, unable to fully lift his head. “I’m only a kid.” He adds quietly. Which cause almost me and siblings to laugh we

“Good.” He looks up to Aslan with awe. “If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been a proof that you were not. Therefore, under us and under the High king, you shall be King of Narnia, Lord of Cair Paravel, and Emperor of the Long Islands. You and your heirs while your race lasts.” As Caspian stands Aslan continues, “And your coronation…” Just then I hear bagpipes, “But what have we here?” A troop of mice carrying a little stretcher with Reepicheep on it. “Now, Lucy.” She runs over to him and gives him a drop of her healing cordial and after a moment he is back on his feet.

“Oh! Thank you, Your Majesty.” He says to Lucy, then sees Aslan. “Oh! Hail, Aslan! It is a great honor to be in…” he stumbles, unfortunately Lucy’s cordial couldn’t bring back his tail. “I’m completely out of countenance. I must crave your indulgence for appearing in this unseemly fashion.” He looks to Lucy “Uh... perhaps a drop more?”

“I don’t think it does that.”

“You could have a go.”

“It becomes you well, small one.” Aslan tells him laughing a little, the mouse looks at him.

“Sir, I can eat and sleep and die for my King without one, but a tail is the honor and glory of a mouse,” He says laying down his sword.  
“Perhaps you think too much of honor, friend.”

“Well, it’s not just the honor. It’s also great for balance.” I can’t help laughing as Reepicheep continues. I had no idea how much a mouse needs its tail. Truthfully, I was always a little afraid of them.

The other mice pull out their swords, “May it please Your High Majesty, we will not bear the shame of wearing an honor denied to our chief.”

“You have great hearts.” he tells them. Oh, I hope he doesn’t let them cut off their tails. “Not for the sake of your dignity, but for the love that is between you and your people, and still more for the kindness your people showed me long ago when you ate away the cords that bound me.” I exchange a look with Lucy. I don’t quite remember the mice at the stone table, not sure Lucy remembers them there either, but Aslan does and that’s what gave them the ability to speak. And just now, Reep his new tail that he’s showing everyone. Aslan is truly amazing, in all the world out there, I don’t think there’s anyone quite like him.

“And now, where is this little Dwarf, this famous swordsman and archer, who doesn’t believe in lions?” Aslan asks. I look over and see Trumpkin walking toward us and nervously go to his knees. Aslan roars.

“Do you see him now?” Lucy says causing the rest of us to laugh.

The next day we held Caspian’s coronation at the Telmarine castle. My siblings and I stand to the side as we watch Caspian walk up with Aslan to his throne and stand before it. It reminds us of our coronation. As Trufflehunter and a faun come, I can’t help, but to think of Mr. Tumnus and the Beavers. I look at my brothers and sister sure they’re thinking about them as well. I see a tear roll down Lucy’s cheek, I put a hand on her shoulder. “I know how you feel, but I’m sure we’ll see them again in Aslan country,” I whisper to her and she smiles in response.

“I give you King Caspian,” the new king sits on the throne, “Once a King of Narnia, always a King of Narnia, bear son of Adam, may you bare it well.” Aslan tells him.  
“LONG LIVE KING CASPIAN!” We all shout.

Then we parade through one of the towns and the people cheer as we pass. Narnia is truly wonderful I’m glad we came; I can’t think of a better place. _“You’ll have to go back sometime, Daughter of Eve,” I gasp from hearing that icy voice in my head it almost sounded like…_  
 _“You alright, Su?”_ Peter interrupts my thoughts.

I smile at him as I shake off the icy feeling that just came over me, “I’m fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know there was a lot of direct dialogue


	3. Chapter 3

_I walk through a town I’m not sure where it is: the buildings look like the ones in London, but the roads look like the ones we paraded through earlier in Narnia. One of the buildings is a small shop that has all kinds of jewelry. I go inside and approach the loveliest jeweled bracelets and pearl necklaces. Then in the center of the shop I see a case with eight diamond rings. They’re awfully beautiful and each one has a gold band and a diamond that shine as bright as the sun. “May I help you, Miss?” I turn to see a man who I assume is the shopkeeper._

_“I was just looking. These are lovely rings,” I tell him while pointing at them._

_“Aw, yes, a man bought them the other day. He’ll be by to pick them up shortly.” The shopkeeper informs me before going to the back room. I keep looking at them, they’re so beautiful. But one is the most beautiful and it shines brighter than the others and the gold is more radiant as well. I just have to pick it up. It’s nice and warm, I see why the man bought it._

_Suddenly a cold wind opens the door of the shop and I clutch the ring until the wind stops. I look at the ring in my hand, but it’s gold is now tarnished and the diamond looks like a dull, grey stone. I scream as the ring falls, it feels so cold it burns._

_“Alright, the owner is here to pick up the rings,” The shopkeeper grabs the case that now holds only seven._   
_“Wait!” He turns to me, “You forgot one.” I point to ring on the floor._

_“That one is no good, it will have to go in the furnace. Now I must give these to the owner, he has a train to catch.” He turns and goes toward the door. All I can do is stare at the once radiant diamond ring that used to shine like the sun and now lays cold and rusted on the ground._

I open my eyes and find myself in one of the guest rooms in the Castle. What a strange dream. I decide not to think about it and go to the wardrobe to pick out a dress feeling lucky they’re all as comfortable and beautiful as the ones during our reign. I’m not sure which one to wear, though I’ll probably get a chance to wear them all.

Hopefully we’ll be able to stay as long as we did last time and I can do all the things I used to. As I get dressed and do my hair I think of the balls I could host and festivals we can have with the Narnians. I could compete in archery tournaments and visit Archenland, surely they’re still our allies. Though I wouldn’t care to visit Calormene again, but I would love sailing to the eastern sea to see the long islands. _There’s so much I can do here._ I finish my hair when someone knocks. “You may enter,” I say using my queen voice. I’m going to love being here.

Peter enters, “Susan, Aslan wishes to speak to us.”

“Whatever for?” I turn toward him and ask while still trying to sound proper.

“I’m not sure, only that he wants to meet us right away.” When we arrive at the courtyard where Aslan is waiting for us, Peter asks him, “You wish to speak with us, Sir?”

“Yes, children, come,” he says calmly as Peter and I walk on either side of him. “I’ve asked Caspian to let any Telmarines who do not like the idea of Caspian as king know that I will provide a chance for them to return from where they came.”

“Do you mean Telmar?” I ask not really sure what this has to do with Peter and me.

“They came into Narnia out of Telmar, but they came from the same world as you and it is there they will return.” Aslan pauses, but it sounds like he is trying to imply something. I don’t like where this is going.

“Are we to return as well?” Peter asks the one question I didn’t want him to ask.

Aslan says sadly, “It is time, the portal that will send the Telmarines home will also send you four back to the station.”

 _We’re going back today?_ I look at him and eagerly inquire, “Aslan, when can we come back to Narnia again?”

Aslan looks straight at me seeming even sadder then before. “Dearest,” he articulates very gently, “you and your brother will never come back to Narnia.” What? I can hardly believe those words. _I just found out how much I really love being here and now I have to go, and never come back._

“How come?” Peter asks calmly. _We’re not coming back…_

“You are too old, children.”

_We’re too old?_

“And you must begin to come close to your own world now.” Own world? But Narnia is my world. England will never be Narnia.  
“It’s not just Narnia we’ll miss, it’s you.” Peter tells Aslan. He continues, but all I hear is something about Aslan being in our world and Aslan mention another name. All I can think about is that we’re leaving and we’re never returning. I’ll never get to shoot my arrows or host another ball, I won’t get to rule this beautiful land with my siblings.  
“Your Majesty?” Aslan speaks to Caspian who is approaching us.

“We are ready, everyone has assembled.” He says then leaves and I slowly turn back to Aslan. I’ve never seen that look on his face before, it is as if he longs for something from me. But it’s doesn’t matter now, I’m leaving. I look away from him and we walk on.

“Come, it’s time you met with your brother and sister.”

“Aslan, are Edmund and Lucy not coming back either?” I ask trying to hold back my tears.

“Child, do you really need to know that?” Aslan states. I should have guessed, he always said that he could tell no one’s story, but their own.  
Peter and I go to find Edmund and Lucy then go to where everyone is gathered.

“Narnia belongs to the Narnians, just as it does to man.” Caspian begins and they tell them what Peter. Though, I wish it didn’t have to happen so soon. We have been for a few weeks, but it doesn’t feel like it “Any Telmarines who want to stay and live in peace are welcome to. But for any of you who wish, Aslan will return you to the home of your forefathers.” I listen knowing that it won’t be long before we leave.

“It’s been generations since we left Telmar,” a man in the crowd shouts.

“We’re not referring to Telmar.” Aslan informs them, “Your ancestors were seafaring brigades, pirates ran aground on an island. There they found a cave, a rare chasm that brought them here from their world. The same world as our kings and queens. It is to that island I can return you. It is a good place for any who wishes to make a new start.”  
“I will go. I will accept the offer,” one of the men says.

“So will we,” says a woman who I recognize as Caspian’s aunt. We’ll have to leave soon.

The people who spoke walk up to Aslan, “Because you have spoken first, your future in that world shall be good.” Aslan breathes on them then a large tree becomes a door. The door that will send us back. The people disappear through the tree.

The crowd starts to panic, “Where did they go?” Then one man cries out, “How do we know he is not leading us to our deaths?”

Reepicheep approaches Aslan, “Sire, if my example can be of any service, I will take 11 mice through with no delay.” Aslan looks away from him to Peter and me. We exchange a look both knowing what we have to do, but I don’t want to.

“We’ll go,” Peter says. 

“We will?” Edmund asks.

“Come on. Our time’s up. After all,” Peter walks over to Caspian and hands him his sword, “we’re not really needed here anymore.” I guess not.

“I will look after it until you return.”

“I’m afraid that’s just it.” I blurt out still trying to hold back my tears. “We’re not coming back.” Everyone falls silent for a moment.

“We’re not?” Lucy looks toward me with confusion.

“You two are.” Peter tells her and Ed. “At least, I think he means you two.”

“But why? Did they do something wrong?” Lucy inquires of Aslan.

“Quite the opposite, dear one. But all things have their time. Your brother and sister have learned what they can from this world. Now it’s time for them to live in their own.”

“It’s all right, Lu,” Peter goes to Lucy, I’m not sure how he can be so calm about this. “It’s not how I thought it would be…but it’s all right. One day you’ll see, too. Come on.” I watch as my siblings say their goodbyes. I don’t want to say goodbye, _Oh, Aslan, why can’t I stay? England’s not Narnia._

I walk over and say goodbye to Reepicheep, Trumpkin, and Trufflehunter. Then I go over Caspian to say goodbye. Then stand next to my brothers and sister. Lucy takes a hold of my hand and gives me a reassuring smile. I smile back at her. At least I still have them, I realize gratefully as I leave Narnia for the last time.


	4. Chapter 4

Things seem hazy as one moment I am in Narnia and the next I’m at a train station. There are a lot other people, but none of them look like Telmarines or Narnians and many are dressed in school uniforms. I watch as a train slows down in front of us and people getting on and off.

A guy looks toward us, “Aren’t you coming, Phyllis?” _Phyllis? Who’s..._ then suddenly I remember telling that guy my name is Phyllis and the train is here to take us to our schools. I’m guessing my siblings realized the same thing as we grab our suitcases and get on the train.

“You don’t think there’s any way we can get back?” Edmund asks as we look at him. “I’ve left my new torch in Narnia.” We laugh a little as he continues, “How am I going to explain to Mum?”

“Just tell her you lost it while fighting off the Telmarines.” Lucy says while laughing.

“Yeah, then tell her how I got stabbed in my first war when I was ten.”

“At least we don’t have to worry about the White Witch anymore.” I retort coldly before finding a place to sit away from my siblings. I can’t take it anymore. How can I live without Narnia?

Peter sits beside me and sighs before saying, “It’s going to be alright, Su.”  
“How can you be calm about this, Peter!? We’re stuck here. How are we supposed to live without Narnia?” I snap at him as the tears I’ve been holding back flow freely down my face.

Peter tries to calm me down by hugging me, but my only thoughts are I hope no one is staring at me. I hate crying like this, it always makes me look so childish. “I can’t say I fully understand why we can’t go back,” Peter tries to reassure me, “but we have lives here, too, and Aslan said it was time for us to live here.” A shiver runs down my spine at the sound of Aslan’s name.

“Why did he abandon us?” I ask quietly.

“He didn’t abandon us. He said he was in this world, too, we just need to figure out his name. He’s still with us, Susan.”

I look past Peter to a few British Soldiers. One of the great things about being in Narnia is that I didn’t have to think about the war going on here. It seems like everywhere I go I hear about terrible things that going on around the world. Not to mention being sent to the country side because the Germans were dropping bombs all over London. “I’m not so sure he is here.”

Peter just sighs, probably giving up on trying to reason with me. We sit in silence as I stare out the window to the war-torn England. _If he was here this war would be over. Why did you make us come back to this horrible place?_

I hear someone sit across from Peter and me. Hopefully it’s just Edmund or Lucy, but I can’t see through all my tears. After a while the train comes to a stop. I get up with my bags in hand and notice Lucy next to me. “Don’t forget to write,” Edmund jokes as Lucy and I start to leave.

“Of course,” Lucy tells our brothers smiling.

“Good luck, Lucy. You, too, Susan.” Peter tells us though he seems a little annoyed when he said my name.

“Goodbye, Edmund, bye, Peter. I’ll write to you as well.” _Maybe if I have anything to say._ Lucy and I exit the train and make our way to the school.

“I wish you and Peter could go back to Narnia. It won’t be the same without you.” Lucy tells me after we walk a few blocks in silence.

“You shouldn’t worry about that now. You and Ed have gone on adventures without us before, you’ll be fine. This is your first term of boarding school so you should start think about school work,” I snap at her. I wish she would talk about something other than Narnia.

“I guess you’re right, I’m a little nervous about it.”

“I’m sure you’ll fit right in, Lucy.” I try being a little more cheerful. After all, I don’t want her to be upset on her first day.

We reach the boarding house around noon where we see other girls in school uniforms. Some are walking in the halls to find their rooms while others are in a line to found out their room assignments.

“Hello, Susan. Hello, Lucy. It’s nice to see you two again,” says an elderly woman.

“Hello, Aunt Polly,” Lucy says smiling at our house mother, Polly. She isn’t our aunt, she’s friends with Professor Kirke and often visited him while we were staying with him. Like my siblings, the Professor and myself, she’s been to Narnia before. I hope Lucy doesn’t say anything about our last trip. She hands us our papers with our class schedules and room assignments along with room keys.

“Are you alright, Susan?” she asks me. I guess she can see the disappointment in my eyes, but I don’t want to tell her about not being able to go back to Narnia. It still hurt to even think about it.

“I’m fine,” I lie while forcing myself to smile, “I should find my room. I’ll see you later, Lucy.” I go down one of the halls to find my room. It’s so cold. Strange considering it’s still warm outside. I find my room near the end of the hall for the older girls. I walk in to see my roommate organizing books on a shelf.  
“Hi, Susan,” she says as I enter the room.

“Hello Nancy.” I say while faking another smile. I don’t want her to know I’m upset especially since she knows nothing about Narnia.

“Did you do anything exciting over the summer?” she inquires.

“No, it was rather boring,” I reply quickly as I start to unpack.

“Oh,” is all she says in response. Luckily Nancy knows me well enough to be able to tell when I’m not in the mood for a conversation. Another girl walks in room.  
“Suzie, Nancy,” She says while giving each of us a hug.

“Hello, Bonnie,” Nancy says and they continue talking and laughing about their summer holidays as I finish unpacking. When I finish I try to read a book, but I can’t stop thinking about Narnia. _Why can’t I go back?_

“What about you, Suzie?” Bonnie interrupts my thoughts. “What did you do over the summer?”

“Oh, nothing really.” I just finish speaking when the dinner bell rings.

“Come on, we wouldn’t want to be late for dinner,” Nancy says as her and Bonnie get up to leave. “Aren’t you hungry, Susan?”

“Not really, I think I’ll stay here and rest for a while. If anyone asks just tell them I’m not feeling well.”

“Alright,” Nancy says with concern.

“Oh, and make sure Lucy is not sitting by herself.” I probably don’t need to worry about her, she makes friends easily. Nancy and Bonnie nod as they leave.

“What’s wrong with her?” Bonnie whispers to Nancy just loud enough for me to hear.

“I don’t know, but it’s probably best to leave her alone.” Nancy whispers back and soon they leave the doorway and I can finally have time to myself. I lay down on my bed, while crying and letting Aslan’s words run through my mind over and over again. “You and your brother will never come back to Narnia. You’re too old, and you must begin to come close to your own world now.”

_I can’t go back, I’m too old, I have to be a part of this world now. Oh, Aslan, why did you abandon me like this?_

Suddenly a cold shiver runs through my body and I cover myself with a blanket and keep crying until I fall asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

_Lucy and I are racing on horseback through the Narnian woods. “Not so fast, Lucy!” I call to her. She looks about a year older than she is now wearing her crown and laughing as she rides through the trees. I’m not exactly sure what part of the forest we’re in, but it does remind me of the time I went with her to visit Mr. Tumnus since Peter didn’t want her to go alone._

_It’s one of my favorite adventures I went on with my little sister. Lucy’s scream interrupts my happy thoughts. “LUCY!” I call out to her, but suddenly I’m standing in the middle of the woods calling for Lucy, but she doesn’t answer. I look around for my horn, but I must have left it at Cair Paravel along with my bow and arrows. Strange I always bring them with me when I go riding in the woods, well at least my horn. “LUCY!” I yell while searching the forest. “LU-CY!”_

_“It’s over, sister!” Someone angrily says behind me._ (Lucy?) _I think to myself before turning to see some woman. She looks nothing like my little sister: her hair is a lot darker and she’s much taller than Lucy ever was, not to mention her dress didn’t look like something Lucy would wear. Actually she looks more like someone else. I also start to notice that I’m no longer in the woods of Narnia. Instead I’m on a balcony of some castle, but it doesn’t look like any I’ve ever been to._  Why am I here? How did I get here?  
“Your army has fallen, your treachery ends here, victory belongs to me!” Victory? What does she mean? Was there a war? Where’s Lucy?

  
_“Yes, victory,” responds a cold voice, and it seems to be coming from me. At least I think it’s me, we’re the only two people standing here. “But not yours,” suddenly the icy voice calls out a strange word that sounds horrifying, and I hear screaming all around me then there’s nothing, but death_.

I open my eyes to the sound of the school bell. (That was such a horrible dream, I hope Lucy’s alright.) I quickly get up and grab my school uniform from a dresser I share with Nancy who is already dressed and probably in the dining hall. Bonnie is doing her make up in bathroom. “Good morning, Suzie.” She says cheerfully while putting on a little lipstick.

“Good morning,” I reply before going to change into my uniform. Then I quickly go back to the dresser to brush my hair and put it in a ponytail.

“You must be in a rush this morning,” she observes, “you didn’t even ask to borrow my eyeliner.”

“I promised Lucy I’d eat breakfast with her since her friend is going to her grandfather’s funeral in the country this afternoon.” I tell her as I grab my book bag. Plus, I add silently to myself, after that nightmare I want to make sure she is ok.

She gasps. “Did he die in the war?” Her voice is filled with concern.

“I think so.” I say calmly and leave the room before she can say anything else about the war. I don’t like talking about it, it hurts to even think about it. Almost as much as when I think of Narnia. _Oh, Narnia, it’s been two months since we left and I still don’t understand why I have to live here_.

I walk into the dining hall where I see Lucy standing with Nancy in the entrance. “Susan!” Lucy yells with a big smile on her. I usually get on to her for this, but after that nightmare I’m just glad to see her.

“Hi, Lucy. Morning, Nancy. Do you know what we’re having today?” I ask once I reach them.

“I think they’re serving pancakes.” As we’re getting our food Nancy asks quietly. “Hey, Susan, how are you doing on the English assignment?” I remain silent because I haven’t even looked at it. I don’t really care to which is strange because I used to enjoy doing school work and would get really good marks, too. But this term it just doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

“You know, Susan, if you need help, you can just ask.” She offers even though a couple of years ago I was helping her with her school work.

“I’ll be fine, just need to spend more time studying.” I say before we join Lucy.

“Alright, where should we sit?” there aren’t any spots open. None that I could see anyway.

“There’s some seats open at that table,” Lucy points then walks over to where a few older girls are sitting. I hesitate before walking to the table. “Hello,” we each say to the older girl and they say the same back to us.

“I got a letter from Edmund yesterday,” Lucy tells me.

“What did he say?”

“Well, he told me how he’s dying of boring in his Algebra class and is wondering where he’s supposed to use it outside of School.”

“Did you get an invite to Betty’s party?” I hear one of the older girls say while Lucy goes on about Edmund’s letter.

“Yes, I’m going with George.” Her friend replies  
.  
“You’re still with him? I thought Dennis was your man.“

“I prefer to go with George, he’s much more handsome.” The two girls laugh. I know it’s rude to eavesdrop on someone else’s conversation, but I can’t help but think what it must be like to go to parties and be able to wear nice clothes and have a handsome gentleman to go with. It sounds very exciting and grown up.

 _“Nothing stopping you, Daughter of Eve._ ” I stop eating mid bite. It’s the icy voice from my dream, but where is it coming from?

Nancy’s laughter breaks through my thoughts, “Oh, I wish I had brothers!” She giggles. I guess Edmund wrote something funny in his letter.

“Edmund always has a clever way with words, that’s why in Narnia he was usually the one who-” _Oh no!_

“Narnia? What’s Narnia?” Nancy asks. Lucy freezes realizing what she just said. I glare at her then turn to Nancy.

“It’s a game we played while we were in the country. Lucy found this lovely wardrobe and to pass the time we pretended there was a country inside called Narnia.” I lie to her. I hope she doesn’t think my little sister is mad. To my side I hear the older girls giggling.

“A land inside a wardrobe?” One of them says quietly.

“Sounds rather childish.” Says another.

" _Do you want them to think you’re a fool?”_ says the icy voice. _Who is that?_ I wonder as I realize it’s right.

“I don’t play the silly game anymore since I’m almost 14,” I tell Nancy in my best grown up voice.

“I don’t think it sounds silly, but it is very imaginative,” Nancy says to me and Lucy who is now staring at her plate quietly. I look towards the older girls who have returned to their conversation about the party.

As we finish eating breakfast I tell Nancy to go ahead to class so I can talk with Lucy. “You have to be more careful, Lucy.” I reprimand her once we’re alone. “Don’t you remember what the Professor told us after we came back the first time?”

“Yes, and I didn’t mean to tell Nancy about Narnia, it just slipped out.” Lucy tells me fighting back tears.

“Well, you can’t let things like that slip out! What if adults hear you going on about it? They would think you’re mad and have you committed!” I yell at her out of anger. But she doesn’t respond, she only stares at the floor in front of her and I see a tear on her cheek. “I’m sorry Lucy, I just don’t want anyone to think there’s something wrong with you,” I try to add gently.

“Why did you call Narnia a silly game?” she looks at me with tear filled eyes.

I pause for a moment and start thinking about what those older girls said. “I just didn’t want Nancy to know about Narnia.” I say quickly. “It’s best if we don’t talk about Narnia.”

“Can’t we at least talk about it with each other?” I remain silent though I want to say Trust me, Lucy, sometimes it’s all I want to talk about. “We have so many great memories like the festivals and how we used to race our horses through the woods.” I freeze when she mentions riding in the woods. (That’s how that terrible dream started!)

“Stop it, Lucy! I don’t want to hear about that place!” I snap at her. The bell rings and Lucy walks away. I shouldn’t have yelled at her, but what she said reminded me of my terrible dream and I don’t want to remember how strange that dream made me feel. The first part was like my memory, but the second part was more like someone else’s memory and not my own, but who’s was it?


	6. Chapter 6

“Mr. Pevensie” says an older man to Dad before shaking his hand.

“Hello, Professor Thomson. Thank you for inviting me and my family.” He says to the man as we walk into a larger room.

“Well, you’ve done great with the students and you deserve to celebrate.” There are many others in the long hall, mostly families of the other teachers and professors of the college where Father has been lecturing for the past fifteen weeks. “John, I want to meet David Pevensie, his wife, Helen, and their lovely daughter, Susan.” Thomson tells another man who is also here with his family.

“Well, one of them anyway,” Dad remarks to Thomson and the other man, referring to Lucy.  
“Excuse me, Father, Mother, I’m going to get some punch.” I walk away from them toward the punch table. I pour myself some punch and notice a young man standing next to me, probably a few years older than Peter.

“Hello,” he says and I realize he’s talking to me. I look at him and greet him back. He is rather handsome. “I’m Michael Rogers,” he holds out his hand.  
“Susan Pevensie.” I say while shaking his hand. These last few months in America have been wonderful, I’m so glad my parents allowed me to come with them. Father came home from the war last November. Mum, my siblings and I were so happy and things were back to the way they were before war. A few months after he came back, he got a job giving history lectures at a college in America near New York City for four mouths.

However, my parents couldn’t afford to take the whole family, only one of us. They didn’t have to worry about Peter since he’s studying for an exam with Professor Kirke, the poor professor who went bankrupt last January and he had to sell his mansion. That left Edmund, Lucy and myself. Mum thought I would get the most out of being here though it meant that Lucy and Edmund had to stay with Aunt Alberta and Uncle Harold who aren’t the most pleasant people and cousin Eustace, who isn’t much better. So I tried not to get overly excited about it around them.

Then again being here has been an exciting experience. Firstly, I’ve been able to attend parties like this one (not without one of my parents though.) Secondly, I was able to get some new outfits and I even have my own makeup kit now. I’ve also been out with a few nice gentlemen around my age. I’m having a lot of fun and glad I was able to come.  
After the party, my parents and I take a cab to our temporary home, which is a small two room flat. I walk into our place following Dad and take a seat to rest. Then Mum walks in with a stack of letters.

“Did we get anything besides bills?” Dad asks as mum sorts through the letter.

“There’s one here from your sister, it’s probably about the kids. Oh and here’s one for you, Susan. It’s from Lucy.” She hands me the letter and I open it. Hopefully it’s better than the last letter I got from Lucy, which was basically her trying convince me of how much fun she and Ed where having in Cambridge and she really had to try considering the most exciting thing in it was how much she and Ed like some painting of a ship.

Mum sighs. “What wrong?” Dad asks her.

“Your sister is saying how Edmund and Lucy are corrupting her son by filling his head with stories about dragons and sea voyages and we’re bad parents for letting our children read those fairy tales.” Mother says with frustration handing the letter to Dad.

“Heaven forbid you let your child have an imagination.” He says sarcastically while looking at the letter.

“I know.” Mum replies as I begin reading my letter.

_August, 11 1942_

_Dear Susan,_

_Edmund and I are glad to hear that you’re having an exciting time in America. It must be a lovely place, we’re happy that Dad was able get the job at the college._

_Oh, Susan, so much has happened since my last letter. First off I should tell you that Edmund and I went back to Narnia, but we didn’t go alone- Eustace came, too. He didn’t want to go at first and, honestly, we didn’t want him there either, but he changed a lot during our adventures. But I’ll tell you more about that later._

_I’m not quite sure how we got there this time. One moment we were in my room talking about the painting (you remember the painting of the ship I talked about in my last letter) and the next moment it came to life and before we knew it Edmund, Eustace, and I are swimming in middle of the Eastern Sea (good thing I worked on my swimming last term) and the ship that was in the painting was right in front of us, but then we were rescued by Caspian and his crew men._

_The ship’s name is Dawn Treader, it reminds of the Splendour Hyaline except it had the head of a dragon instead of a swan. Caspian (who by the way has been King of Narnia for three years) was sailing the Eastern Seas in search of seven lords. I’d tell you more about our adventures, but we thought it would be great if we tell you and Peter at the same time._

_But there is something I wanted to ask you about because, sadly, this was mine and Edmund’s last time in Narnia. It’s sad to think about and I’ve cried about it a few times, Edmund’s not doing much better. Talking about it with him and Eustace has helped a little. Edmund has an idea on who Aslan is in this world, but it still hurts knowing we can’t return. I guess I’m wondering if it gets easier over time._

_I’m sure by the time you get this letter you’ll only have a week or two left there. Edmund and I can’t wait to see you again!_   
_Your Sister,_

_Lucy the Valiant_

I look back over the letter thinking about what it said about their last adventure in Narnia when I get a sudden chill.  
“Are you alright, Sweetie?” Mum asks me, I guess she saw me shiver.

“I’m just a little tired, I think I’ll excuse myself to my room,” I tell her while getting up from the couch.

“Alright, I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.” I smile and nod then go to my room, close the door and sit on my bed. They went back to Narnia. _Oh, Narnia, such a wonderful place; it seems more like a dream than a memory._ A dream I had to wake up from. It’s been almost a year since I was told I had to leave Narnia for good and for while I was upset, all I could think about was Narnia and all of the wonderful adventures and how I can never go there again.

I walk over to the window, the best part about being here is that it can distract me from thinking about Narnia. It is almost refreshing, but it still hurts and now all of us are stuck in this world. I’m so tired of feeling this way. Why couldn’t we stay in Narnia? Why do I have to live in this world that’s filled with nothing, but hopelessness and despair? I can’t leave this never-ending nightmare and go back to that dream. Sometimes I wonder if Narnia was nothing, but a dream. Tears stream down my face as shivers run through me.

 _Oh maybe it would be better if I forget I ever went to Narnia. I think as I lean against the wall. Forget I was a Queen, forget the balls, forget the wonderful Narnians, forget As_ l-. I stop crying for a moment remembering that the first time I saw him it was like a lovely stream of music, but then it stops. ( _He’s the one who said I can never return to Narnia. Aslan, I wish I had never met you!_

Suddenly a jolt of cold courses through my entire body. It’s as though I’m in the middle of a winter storm. _Why is it so cold? It’s only Aug..._  “Ahh,” I moan as a ringing starts in my head as though someone hit a huge bell and I find myself staring at the ceiling and can hear myself breathing heavily. What’s going on? I wonder as my eyes fall shut and I enter a dream like state.

_When they open again all I see is fire and darkness and hear people screaming. What is this horrifying place? I hear someone chanting and an ice wall appears in front me. I walk toward it._

_On the other side of the ice I see what looks like a werewolf, a hag, a dwarf and a young man around my age looking- Wait, that’s Caspian and behind him is the stone, this is_

_Aslan’s How! “Wait, this isn’t what I wanted.” Caspian says. What’s he talking about? I watch the werewolf grab a hold of him._   
_“One drop of Adam’s blood and you free me.” It’s that voice again, why do I keep hearing that voice? “Then I am yours, my king.” Is the voice coming from me? The Hag cuts Caspian’s hand and they drag him towards me and I put my hand through the ice. What am I doing?_

_“STOP!” Someone shouts. I look up and see Peter, Edmund, and Trumpkin run into the room and they go after the dwarf, the werewolf, and the hag. Soon I notice Lucy fighting them as well. Wait, this seems familiar. Lucy screams cutting through my thoughts._

_“Come on!” The icy voice says to Caspian._

_“Get away from him!” Peter pushes Caspian out of the way and stands there with his sword pointed at me. Why he wants to--. In the corner of my eye I see someone running into the room, it’s me? How can I be standing there? If—Wait a minute I remember this, it happened a little after the raid, I ran in here when Lucy screamed and then I saw Peter and Caspian standing in front of a wall of ice, but I wasn’t the one in the wall._

_I see myself run in next to Peter and I hear the ice cracking, then I notice a sword in the Ice. “NNOOO!” shrieks the voice._

I open my eyes and everything seems darker. I get up still feeling a chill running through me, but now my head has stopped pounding. I notice the night sky from the window. How long was I sleeping, why am I so cold? I see a strange icy blue glow on my wall. What is that?

" _Hello, Daughter of Eve._ ” It’s that icy voice I keep hearing. I slowly turn around to face the mirror. I stand in shock and am short of breath.

_What is she doing here? How did she get here? This has to be some kind of nightmare_

_“It’s no dream, Susan.”_ I jump realizing Jadis can hear my thoughts.

“Wh-what are you doing here? You’re dead!” I take a step back unable to take my eyes off the mirror.

 _“You should know, Susan, you’re the one who invited me.”_ She tells me in her chilling voice. I want to take another step backward, but my back is against the wall.

“What do you mean?” I ask fearful of the answer.

_“Don’t you remember what happened at the How? When your terrorist brother ruined my wall? You jumped in front of your other brother and I used the ice to get into your mind.”_

“What?” _She’s been in my mind this whole time?_

_"Yes, Susan, and now I’ll take full control of your mind. Not that you have any real use for it anyway.”_

“No, get out!”

_“I can’t do that, Susan, you’re stuck with me.”_

“NO!” I yell and throw one of my shoes at the mirror and watch as it shatters into tiny little pieces.

 _"You can’t get rid of me that easily, Daughter of Eve!”_  I crumple to the floor.

 _This can’t be happening_. I hear the door open and my parents come in.

“Susan, what happened? Honey, are you okay? Why are you so cold?” They both ask me questions as they rush over to me and Mum wraps a blanket around me.

“I’m alright. I-I just saw a huge spider and threw my shoe at it.” I lie, they look at the broken mirror as Dad sighs. “Sorry about the mirror.”  
“We’ll see if we can replace it on Monday. Go wash up for dinner.” I nod and leave the room.

Later I sit down at the dinner table with mother and father. I hold both their hands as I bow my head like we always do when we have dinner as a family. Only this time I feel rather unconformable doing it.

“Dear heavenly Father,” Dad begins praying, but all I can think about is what the Witch said earlier. _It can’t be true; I don’t want her in my mind._ I feel a chill run down my spine. “In Jesus name Amen,” they both raise their heads and we start eating.

“So, Susan, who was the young man you were talking to at the party?” Mum asks.

“Oh,” I laugh a little. Truthfully, after what happened earlier, I forgot all about him. “Well, his name is Michael and he’s one of the students at the college.”  
“Really? Are you sure he’s not a little old for you?” Dad questions me.

“Dad, he’s only about five years older than me and he was rather nice.” I say gently. I guess he’s right about the age, he is older than the two guys’ I was seeing during our time here, but I have Courted older in Nar--I mean the other place.

“Well, I guess you’re old enough to make your own decisions. I know we can trust you to make the right ones.” He tells me and I smile. I don’t feel as cold around them as I did in my room. At least I know why I’ve been colder than usual though I hope I just imagined it. She can’t really be in my mind, can she?

“Believe it, Susan, I’m not going anywhere.” I stop eating mid bite. What do I do?

“What did Lucy say in her letter?” Mum’s question interrupts my inner war.

“She just talked about how her and Ed started making friends with Eustace.” They both smile in response. Of course, I can’t tell them everything Lucy said.

“That’s good to hear. I was afraid they would mope around their whole holiday.” Mum tells us.

Dad nods his head in agreement. “I’m glad they were able find some common ground with their cousin.”

“That’s true,” she replies. I wonder what in that place made Eustace change so much. He used to be beastly to me and my siblings, but now it sounds like he is Lucy and Edmund’s new best friend. Which is a good thing, I guess. I know that place can change people, it changed my family, especially Ed.

After dinner, I do the dishes for my parents to keep my mind off of previous events. When I finish I join them in the sitting room where my dad is looking over his lesson plans and Mum is looking at the scrapbook we made for her. She looks up at me and smiles. “You know as much as I like being here, I can’t wait to get back home next week.”

“Me, too.” I tell her before sitting beside her. I miss my siblings and want to see them. _How am I going to tell Peter, Edmund, and Lucy that she is in my mind? What if she hurt them?_ I look at the book with Mum. It was a lot of fun to make it with the others, probably one of my most treasured memories.  _No, I won’t let her hurt my family, I’m not going to let her have control._

Suddenly I can hear the Witch laughing, " _Do you really think you can keep me back, Foolish Girl.”_  I shiver at her words.


	7. Chapter 7

September 8, 1942

I'm at the train station with my parents, waiting for each of my sibling's trains to arrive. I can't wait to see my siblings again. As much as I enjoyed my time in America, it's good to be back in England. Even though I'm still not sure how I'm going to tell them about the witch - or if I even should.

A train pulls up on the tracks and many people get off including Peter. "Peter! Over here!" Dad yells, though I wish he wasn't drawing so much attention towards us. Peter walks over to us with a huge grin on his face matching the ones on our faces. "Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! Hi, Su!" he greets us while exchanging hugs.

"We missed you, Peter," Mum tells him with tears in her eyes.

"I missed you, too. Where are Ed and Lu?"

"Their train hasn't arrived yet."

"Here, we can put your bags in the car while we wait. Your brother and sister's train won't be here for another half hour." Dad informs us, and we agree to go with him while Mum waits for the train.

"America was very exciting, Peter," I tell him as we walk to the car. "There are lots of wonderful sights in New York, and there are also many shops with nice clothes."

"Yeah, your mother had to pull her by the ear in order to get her away from the clothing stores," Dad jokes to Peter, causing both of us to laugh.

"Dad, I wasn't that bad!" I protest while giggling.

"Ok, you're right. It was all the other stores we had to drag her away from!" I just smile as we reach the car.

"Hey, Su," Peter asks quietly so Dad won't hear, "Did you get a letter from Lucy about them going back?" I freeze for a moment remembering what happened after I read it. _Should I tell him about the witch?_

"Yes. Did she send you a letter?"

"No, but Ed did." Peter tells me as Dad puts the luggage in the car.

"Did he mention that they can't go back?" I say, trying not to sound angry.

"Yes, and I want talk to you about that. Su, I know it's been hard for you knowing we can't go back. I talked to the Professor about it and he gave me something that has helped me a lot." He opens his bag and hands me a book as a chill goes down my spine. Curious and unnerved I look at it. _A Bible? Why would Peter give me this?_ "I got one for Edmund and Lucy, too. I'm giving Ed his tomorrow for his birthday. I know he'll really like it." I look at it for a moment, not sure what to say. I thought our parents were the only religious ones in our family. They're the ones who used to make us go to church every Sunday before the war and I always found it rather doll.

"Thank you, Peter. Maybe you should hold onto mine for now." I hand it back and the chill goes away.

Not too long after we get back to the station, Edmund and Lucy's train arrives and we watch as they disembark. Once they see us, Lucy starts running and Edmund follows. She drops her bag and embraces me with a warm hug before greeting the others. "We missed all you so much!" she said.

"We missed you, too!" Dad says, while putting his arms her. I smile as I hug Edmund. Before I knew it all six were in a group hug in the middle of the station. Suddenly I feel warm again.

 _We're all together,_ I move to feel their warm embrace. _I wish we could stay like this forever,_  I say to myself.  
Then I hear the train whistle, which ends our family huddle.

" _It's great to have the whole family together, for now."_ I freeze in place as she speaks. My smile goes as I watch my Family's shadows going further up the stairs, as I feel the warm fading away.

Later we reach our house, and we laugh as we unload the car. "Come on, Lucy, I'll help you unpack," I tell her before we go to our room.

While we unpack Lucy's suitcase she pauses and looks at me curiously. "Hey, Susan, did you get my last letter?"

"I got it a little over a week ago," I respond. I knew she would want talk about it, but I don't really want to - not until I figure out how to tell them about the witch being in my mind.  
"Do you remember what I asked? About it getting easier?" she asks and I sit down on the edge of the bed.

 _What should I tell her? I don't want to talk about the break down I had._ "It gets a little easier, I guess. Honestly, I hadn't thought much about Narnia while in America until I got your letter," I tell her, glad I didn't have to lie to her.

"You haven't?" she says with surprise in her voice.

"I was busy with other things, and maybe it's time to move on," I say softly.

"Move on? But, Susan, if we do that, then we might forget Narnia like we did England. I don't want that to happen." I pull her in for a hug.

"You won't forget Narnia, Lucy. You're the bravest one of us. It isn't possible for you to forget," I tell her gently. I wish I could be as brave as you, maybe I'd know how to get rid of the witch.

She sits up and looks at me. "But what about you? Are you sure you won't forget Narnia?" she inquires and I feel a shiver run down my back.

"You should probably finish unpacking." I get up and help put away more of her things. I can't lie to Lucy and tell her how sometimes it's so painful knowing Aslan abandoned us to this world. I don't want to upset her. I look over and see that she's sorting through her things quietly. "So you also mentioned in your letter that Eustace went with you this time."

"Yes," she looks me straight in the eyes. "He's changed a lot after being a dragon." I give her a confused look which seems to please her. "Come on," is all she says, before we leave the room and go to the boys' room.

They're both sitting on Peter's bed talking when we enter the room and Peter looks up as we come in.

"Hey, Peter, are you ready to hear about our voyage?" Lucy asks Peter cheerfully.

"Of course," he says smiling as Edmund gets up and sits on his bed next to Lucy and I sit down next to Peter. Truthfully, I'm not sure I really want to hear about that place, but maybe after they're done I'll tell them about the witch.

" _it would be nice to get reacquainted with your siblings again, especially the traitor."_  My heart beats as I listen. Maybe I shouldn't tell them, she might hurt them.  
"Do you want to start, Lucy?" Edmund asks her.

She smiles, "Ok. It happened a little over a month ago while we were in my room talking about the painting of the ship." She continues to tell us about how her, Ed, and Eustace got there and we laugh when she tells us about Eustace's confused reaction to being there. Sorrow seeps into her voice as she begins telling us about them being sold into slavery in the Lone Islands and how they got out. Then Ed excitedly recounts how Eustace turned into a dragon and how Aslan changed him back.

I can't help feeling a little angry and cold at the mention of his name. They continue talking about their adventure, but I drift into my own thoughts about the wonderful voyages we used to take. I remember the feel of the Narnian wind in my hair, when I would look out at the beautiful Eastern Sea and listen to the sound of the waves. Nothing like the ride on the ship to and from America, where the air was cold. Then again, a lot of things in this world can't compete to Narnia.

"Then the lamb showed himself to be Aslan and that's about the time he sent us home," Edmund finishes telling the story.

"Wow, it sounds like you two had quite the adventure," Peter tells them enthusiastically as I realize I didn't hear half of what was said.

"It was so wonderful! Though it's sad knowing we can't go back," Lucy says. We stay silent for a moment.

"It will be alright though, surely Aslan knows what he's doing," Peter tells us.

"Right," I say firmly. "I'm going to see if Mum needs help with anything." I quickly leave the room, remembering that I told Lucy something similar many years ago when I believed that was true, but not now.

"You know, Susan, you have every right to be angry. It's not fair for that lion to take your kingdom from you." Jadis's voice cuts through my thoughts. I go into my room and lock the door.

"Go away!" I tell her hoping the others won't hear.

_"I'm only trying to help you."_

"I don't need your help." I say with a mixture of fear and anger in my voice.

" _Are you sure about that? It's more than what anyone else is doing for you."_ Her voice echoes in my mind and I start shivering as her words begin to make sense.


	8. Chapter 8

September 9, 1942,

_The cold wind blows across my face as I ride in a sleigh in Narnia. It must be winter since there is so much snow everywhere. Reminds me of the first time we came to Narnia, but I don’t remember riding sleighs during our first adventure. I notice someone sitting in the bottom of the sleigh and look down to see who it is. Edmund? What’s he doing here? He looks much like he did when we first came to Narnia, but he’s looking at me with a look of betrayal on his face while shivering in the cold._

_Why isn’t he wearing a coat? He knows better than to be out in the snow without one. Especially after he left the beavers to go to the Witch’s-oh no! I look in front of me to see the dwarf who worked for Jadis and I notice that I’m holding something in my hand as I realize this is Edmund’s first adventure. No! Anything, but this. It was bad enough worrying about what was happening to Ed, but now I’m a part of it. Edmund is curled up in the bottom of the sleigh trying not to freeze. He looks tired, hungry, and very ashamed of himself. Poor Ed! I wish I could help. Oh, I wish I could get this witch out of my head and stop seeing her memories._

_In the distance I hear the howling of wolves and the snow has turned to slush making the sleigh come to a stop. “What’s the problem? Why aren’t we moving?” Her chilling voice is coming from my lips._

_“Your Majesty, your winter has melted. We can’t get the sleigh through this slush.” The dwarf informs me trapped in Jadis’s memory._

_“Then we must walk. Tie the hand of the human creature and hold onto the end of the rope. And bring the whip!” Whip? No! We leave the sleigh behind and start walking. I watch as Ed is forced to walk faster in front of us and I cringe every time he’s whipped. At least I want to, but since this is Jadis’s memory all I can do is watch him through her cold eyes. The dwarf whips him again as the chilling voice shouts, “Faster, you fool!” The worst part is I’m saying those cruel words and I’m the one who told the dwarf to whip him, but I can’t do anything to stop it. Ed screams as he falls in pain as soon as we reach her camp. I can’t take it anymore! Why can’t I wake up from this nightmare?_

_Now I’m in a battle taking down my beloved Narnians and turning them into stone with the wand I’ve been holding. Will her terror ever end? I wonder as Peter comes into view and I’m forced to walk toward him. NO! Please, let me wake up! Stop this cruelty! She’s about to reach him when Edmund jumps in front of me with determination in his eyes. I charge at him with the wand as he jumps back and destroys it with his sword. It isn’t over yet though and soon I watch myself stab him with the broken wand and watch in agony as he falls to the ground._

_EDMUND!_

I wake up in the room I share with Lucy. Tears are running down my face as I try to shake the vivid nightmare. _Edmund, how could she do those things to you?_  I don’t know why I’m surprised because I’ve seen her do worse- and not just in these dreams. Oh, Edmund. I get out of bed and make my way to my brothers’ room.

I open the door and quietly walk to Ed’s bed where he’s sleeping peacefully. His face is free of any scratches or bruises and he seems well feed and warm under his covers. I smile and brush his hair off his forehead. He makes a face and opens his eyes causing me to jump. “Ah, Susan. What are you doing here?” He mumbles sleepily.

“I’m sorry, Ed. I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” I tell him quietly trying not to wake up Peter.

“Of course I’m alright. Why wouldn’t I be?” He sits up watching me as I just stand in silence letting the tears fall down my cheeks as I think of him lying on the battle field. I sit down next to him. “Susan, what’s wrong?”

“I just had a bad dream,” I gently reply. We’re both silent for a moment, neither of us sure of what to say.

Peter moves slightly, “Come on, we don’t want to wake up Peter.” We both stand and leave the room making our way down the stairs to sit down on the couch.

“What was the dream about?” He questions me and I remain silent. I don’t want to tell him what the dream was about or that I’m even having dreams of the witch’s memories. “Did something happen to me in your dream?” he asks when I still don’t answer his first question.

“It was horrible, Ed. You were very badly hurt and you almost die and all I could do was watch.” I tell him as much as I can without revealing the truth about it.

Ed puts his arm around my shoulders and gives me a warm hug. “Susan, it was only a dream, I’m alright.” He quietly reassures.

“I know, but for how long?” I say while wondering _What if she does something to you or Peter or Lucy?_

“I don’t know.” He tells me, “But for now, we’re fine and that’s what matters.”

“You’re starting to sound like Lucy.” I manage a small chuckle as he smiles.

“I knew I was spending too much time with her.” We both laugh. It’s kind of nice to laugh with him again. Much better than when he was being stabbed especially when I’m the one stabbing him. _Oh, how do I get her out of my mind?_

 _“Foolish girl, I told you can’t get rid of me.”_  I shiver at her words.

“Susan? Susan, is everything alright?” Edmund asks suspiciously.

“I’m just tired, maybe I should try to go back to bed.” I quickly get up. “Good night, Ed, and happy birthday.” I go upstairs and into the bathroom only to see the witch’s face appear in the mirror. “Stop It!”

_"Stop what?”_

“I don’t want to see you hurt anymore people, especially not my family.” I say fearfully as tears stream down my face. Jadis gives a chilling look as though I am nothing more than a speck of dust for her to step on. Then my head starts pounding and I fall to my knees in agony.

 _“I may not have full control, but I can still do far worse to you than any I have done to that traitor you call brother and I can still do worse to your precious family. Don’t even think you can give me orders.”_  My head starts to feel like ice. _“Do you understand?”_  I nod. _“Good. Now I’m sure you know what I am capable of.”_  The icy headache goes away as does her image. I stare at myself in the mirror.

_What am I going to do?_

I leave the bathroom and go back to my room, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being watched. Maybe it’s because the white witch is in my head.

Later that day I sit in the family room with a cup of tea still thinking about the threat she gave me and what I should- or even can- do about it. I should probably do what she says, but if I do that she might still hurt the others.

“Susan.” I look up to see Lucy watching me. “Will you come with me to pick out a gift for Edmund?” I agree and we make our way to one of the stores in town.

“Do you have any ideas on what to get him?” I ask trying to get my mind onto more normal things.

“Well, I’m not sure yet. I might get him a book or maybe a game.” She says while looking at a shelf displaying both.

“Hey,” I turn to see a girl about my age standing there. I think she goes to my school.

“Hello,” I tell her politely though it’s a little odd that she’s talking to me.

“I really like what your outfit. Where did you find it?” she asks.

“In New York.” It seems strange to say.

“You’ve been to America?” she inquires with interest.

“Yes, I got back a couple day ago.” I tell her a little cheerfully.

“I always thought it would be wonderful to go there. I’ve heard so much about their sights. Like their parks, their Broadway shows, and so many other places.”

“Yes, well, I didn’t get to go everywhere, but I have been to a few museums. They were very lovely.” We both smile.

“It really sounds exciting. I’m Cindy, by the way.” She says.

“Susan,” I tell her while shaking her hand.

“Hey, some of my friends are having this party tonight. You should come.”

What? She’s inviting me to a party? I’m shocked by the offer, but am unsure on how to answer.

/ _“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?”_ / Jadis says adding to my confusion. I’m not sure why she’s encouraging me to go when earlier this morning she threatened me.

“I can’t.” I finally say, “I’m sorry, but today’s my little brother’s birthday and my family is having a celebration for him. It was nice to meet you.” I say deciding against going even though it does sound exciting. The witch is right, but I don’t know if I want to go today especially after that dream.

“I understand. Maybe you can come to the next one.”

“Sure.” I tell her before she leaves.

“Susan,” I look over and see Lucy coming toward me. “I found this. I know he’ll love it.” Lucy shows me a chess set  
.  
“I’m sure he will. Come on.” We buy the game then go home.

Later I’m sitting with my family around the table. We smile and cheer as Edmund blows out the candles on his cake. After we finish eating Mum hands Ed a box which he opens to find an electronic torch. “Now, don’t lose this. I am not getting one for your thirteenth birthday.” My siblings laugh a little and I smile remembering that he lost his last one in Narnia, it fades though about I think about him being whipped and later stabbed in my dream. I look at the smile on my little brother’s face.

You’ve been through so much, Ed. I’m so glad you’re here. I look over to Mum, Dad, Lucy, and Peter who are enjoying themselves. I can’t help, but smile along with them. _I_ _can’t let the witch hurt them._  Suddenly a small cold headache starts. _What do I do?_


	9. Chapter 9

September 14, 1942,

At the school boarding house, Lucy and I stand in line waiting to start another term. It’s hard to believe it’s that time again, though I wish school wouldn’t start so quickly- I only just got back home a week ago. But at least I can keep Jadis away from my family for a little while, or at least most of them. Now I only have to worry about Lucy. “Good afternoon, girls, great to see you two again.” Polly greets us warmly as we reach the front of the line.

“It’s great to see you, too, Aunt Polly.” Lucy says as we’re handed our keys and room assignments.  
“I’m sure you both had fun over the holiday.”

“Oh, yes, I had a great time in America.” I tell her smiling.

“I’m glad to hear that, Susan. It’s good to have you back.” She replies.

As I walk into my room, I notice it is the same as it was the last few terms and that I have the same roommates. Good thing they have both been great friends of mine since my first term and they make being here worthwhile. Bonnie and Nancy are unpacking their suitcases as I put mine down on my bed. “Suzie,” Bonnie greets me warmly as she approaches me followed by Nancy.

“It’s great to see you again.” Nancy tells me as we exchange a hug. I smile as I greet both of them, it’s good to see them again. “So tell us what America is like.” Nancy demands as her and Bonnie sit anxiously on the edge of her bed.

“Wonderful! Though it’s a lot different than England.” I tell them.

“I bet! I heard they drive on the opposite sides of the street and that they have a different form of government.” Bonnie points out.

“Well, those are some of the differences, and honestly the cars driving the opposite way took a little getting used to.” I agree as the dinner bell begins to ring.

“Come on, you can tell us more about your trip on the way.” Nancy says so we get up and walk to the dining hall while I continue to tell them about what I did on my trip.

When we reach the cafeteria it’s so crowded that I get separated from my friends. I’m distracted looking for them while trying to keep my place in line and bump into the girl in front of me. “Sorry!” I say as I realize it’s the same girl I met a few days ago.

“It’s alright.” Cindy says while spinning around to face me. “Hey, I didn’t I’d think see you again!” She turns to the two girls that are with her, “Hey, Samantha, Jane, this is the girl I told you about who went to America.” Cindy turns back to me, “I didn’t know you went to school here.”

“Yes, this is my fifth year going to Saint Finbar’s,” I politely inform her even though I’m pretty sure we’ve been in the same class before.

“Really? That’s strange. I wonder why we never ran into each other before?” She leaves the question hanging in the air as she and her friends obviously have no idea we have been going to the same school since we were nine.

“Well, there are a lot of girls here, it’s not possible to know everyone,” I politely reassure her- and myself.

“That is true, though honestly some girls here aren’t worth knowing.” She giggles and her friends join in. I fake a smile and pretend like I agree, but I don’t like the idea of someone not being worth knowing. Is that why she never noticed me before? I think to myself suddenly feeling annoyed with the situation.

 _“You’re worth her time now, aren’t you? Does it really matter what she thought about you before?_ ” Jadis’s voice rings in my mind as I get my food. I guess she has a point: it doesn’t matter what Cindy thought about me before, just that she seems to like me now. Though I’m not sure why the White Witch cares whether or not I’m friends with Cindy.

“Hey, there’s a spot open at our table, you should sit with us.” She suggests, “My friends will love to hear about America!” I look at her for a moment unsure of what to say to her. I know sitting with her and her friends means I might get to go to those parties I’ve always thought sounded exciting, and it would give me a chance to show off my new clothes and my make up, but I--

“Susan!” I turn to see Lucy coming toward me along with her friend, Marjorie, and my friends, Nancy and Bonnie.

“Hey, Suzie, we found a table for us. Oh, and we asked your little sister and her friend to join us.” Bonnie says cheerfully as I turn back to Cindy and her friends who don’t seem to have any interest in them  
.  
“Well, me and my friends will be sitting right over there, if you decide to join us.” She smiles at me and I watch them leave.

 _“What are you waiting for, Susan? Now’s your chance to get the excitement you’ve always wanted.”_ Jadis tempts me and a shiver comes as I consider doing what she says.

“Susan, aren’t you going to sit with us?” Lucy asks. I turn to look at my friends, still trying to decide who I should sit with.

“Well, I…”

_“Do you want to spend the rest of your school days with the same people you’ve always been with?”_

_Why does she care so much about my social life all of a sudden?_

_“I know what you want, Susan, and I can get it for you.”_

“Come on, we should sit down before someone takes our spot.” Bonnie interrupts my inner battle.

“Go on ahead. We’ll catch up.” Nancy replies. Bonnie and Marjorie begin to walk away and, after a slight hesitation, Lucy follows leaving Nancy and myself standing there. “Susan, if you want to sit with those other girls you can, we’re not stopping you.” Nancy says firmly and with maybe a hint of jealousy in her voice.

“Are you sure?” I ask her.

“It’s alright, we can catch up later.” She says before walking away leaving me standing there awkwardly trying to decide between my best friends and new, exciting friends.

_“What are you waiting for? There’s nothing holding you back.”_

_Why are you doing this?_  I think to myself knowing she can hear my thoughts.

_“I told you I can get you what you want.”_

_You don’t know what I want!_

_“I’ve been in here for a year, I’ve read your every thought and seen your desires. I know you want the life of a queen back, you want the power and respect the Narnians used to give. I know the anger you feel for that lion for taking it away and leaving you here where you are nothing more than a simple school girl.”_

I freeze for a second as her words sink in. _No, she’s wrong, that’s not I want!_

 _“If it isn’t what you want, then tell me, Susan, who will you sit by?”_ She says as I look at both groups wondering which way to go. At one table I see my friends and sister laughing like children. At the other, I see Cindy and her friends who look more like young women rather than school girls.

Finally, I start walk to one of the tables.

“Hello, Cindy, mind if I join you?”

“Of course not” She smile as a shiver runs down my spine.


	10. Chapter 10

Friday October 24, 1942,

“Alright, girls, that concludes today’s lesson. Be sure to look at the reading assignment and have a wonderful weekend!” Mrs. Smith tells us before allowing us to leave.  
Finally, I thought that class would never end. Not that I was really paying attention- my mind was on other things. Mostly on the party tonight that Cindy invited me to. She and her friends, who are quickly becoming mine, have been really nice this last month and they’re so much fun to be around.

I’m glad I decided to sit with them: they’re wonderful people, very mature, and almost everyone likes them or at least respects them. But that’s not why I chose to sit by them, I mean sure the attention has been nice, but it doesn’t mean I secretly desire power from them. I mean when I was a queen I shared power with my siblings, I never wanted to rule on my own- I couldn’t have. I only decided to sit with them because I wanted to make new friends, they just happen to be more liked and more mature than Nancy or Bonnie. Nothing to do with what Jadis said.

I walk into the boarding house as Nancy walks out of Miss Plummer’s office passing me looking downcast, but before I can ask what’s wrong, Polly is talking to me. “Susan, may I speak with you for a moment?”

“Yes, ma’am.” I reply respectfully though I’m not really sure if I want to speak with her. I need to get ready for the party Cindy invited me to. After we sit down in her office I ask her timidly, “Is there a problem?” _What did Nancy talk to her about?_

“Well, Susan, yesterday I was reviewing everyone’s report cards and I noticed you’re struggling in some of your studies.” Polly says with concern in her voice.  
“I’ve been doing the best can.” I say gently hoping to get out of this conversation.

“Are you sure, Susan? Because I know in past terms you have done exceptionally well, and I talked to a few teacher and colleagues who have told me that you’ve failed to turn in some of your assignments. Susan, you’ve always been an intelligent girl, is there anything going on?” I stay silent. “If something is wrong, Susan, you know you can always talk to me.”

“I’ll try harder on my lessons, Aunt Polly. I’ve just had a lot on my mind.” I tell her quickly.

“Does it have anything with Cindy and her friends?” That’s what Nancy must have talked to her about.

“Susan, it’s wonderful that you’re making new friends, but while you’re here your school work comes first, and if you continue to fail to turn in your assignments the headmaster will have to expel you. Just like we had to do with Cindy last term.” She says firmly with a hint of seniority in her voice.  
“I understand,” I say to her firmly, making sure I sound as mature as I can.

“Now, if you need help with your lessons, we can set up a tutor or I know Nancy is willing to help you.” _She’s the last person I want help from._  
 _“_ I’ll think about it. Thank you, Ms. Plummer.”

I walk out of her office wondering how Nancy could do this to me.

As I walk into my room, Nancy looks up from where she’s sitting at the writing desk. “Susan,” she says nervously, but I ignore her and look for something to wear for the party. “Please don’t be mad at me. I was only concerned.”

I sigh. “There’s nothing to be concerned about, Nancy, I only forgot two assignments. I’ll make sure to try harder on all the rest of them.” I say while picking out a dress. Hopefully I have one they’ll like.

“It’s not just the assignments, Susan. You’ve been so focused on trying to impress Cindy and her friends to even notice anything else.” She says with concern.

“I’m just spending time with a few new friends. There’s nothing wrong with that.” I tell her as I lay a nice dress on my bed.

“They’re only your ‘friends’ because you got a few nice things in America.” She mutters.

“That’s not the only reason.” I try reassuring her though honestly I know she’s right: Cindy only started talking to me because I said where I got one of my outfits.

“Then what are the other reasons?” she asks. I remain silent, “Susan, I’m not mad that you made new friends, I only talked to Ms. Plummer because I’m concerned you’re spending too much time with them.” She says seriously.

 _“You know she’s jealous of you and your new friends who are giving you a chance at a life she’ll never have.”_  Jadis tells me as I pick out shoes to wear.

“I’m not spending too much time with them, you’re just jealous because they notice me and not you.” I say quickly barely realizing that I let Jadis’s words come out of my mouth. I look over to Nancy who looks close to tears and quickly turns back to her paper. What have I done? Why did I say those words? I think about trying to apologize, but grab my dress and shoes instead.

“I wish you never went to America.” I hear Nancy mumble to herself as I go into the bathroom to change into the dress.  
As I shut the door I hear Bonnie enter our room. “Are you alright, Nancy?”

“I’m fine.” Nancy replies, but she sounds hurt. I walk out in the dress to see Nancy is still focusing on her paper.

“That’s a nice dress, Suzie. What’s it for?” She says trying to ease the tension in the room.

“Thank you, Bonnie. It’s for this party Cindy invited me to.” I reply smiling before I get out my makeup kit.

“Sounds like fun.” She says trying to sound happy, though I know she dislikes Cindy as much as Nancy does. I’m about to tell Nancy I’m sorry, when Cindy walks in with Samantha and Jane.

“Hey, Susan, you ready to party?” Cindy ask cheerfully as she comes over to me.

“Not quite, I still need to do my hair and makeup.”

“We’ll help with that.” Samantha says as she looks through both mine and Bonnie’s makeup kits.

“Oh yes, Samantha is great with makeup and Jane will take good care of your hair.” Cindy tells me as I sit in front of the mirror feeling like royalty again. While looking in the mirror I notice Nancy and Bonnie leaving the room with disappointed looks on their faces and my smile quickly fades away as guilt settles in my stomach.  
 _What am I doing? Nancy and Bonnie have always been there for me and I just pushed them away to be with these girls I barely know._

_“But you’re getting what you always wanted, aren’t you?”_

_Yes, but I still want them as friends._

_“Those ‘friends’ will keep you from having your new exciting life.”_

_Maybe I can get Bonnie and Nancy to come with me._

“Cindy, would it be alright if I ask Bonnie and Nancy to come with us?” I ask while trying not to move too much and mess up the makeup Samantha’s applying.

“Who?” She asks as if she never heard those names in her life.

“My friends, I’m sure they would like to come to the party with us.” I say gently, but Cindy and her friends look at me as though I were mad.

“Susan, there are already three other girls coming with us and only the people who are invited can come.” Cindy says firmly. Suddenly I remember what she says about some people aren’t worth knowing.

_Is that the real reason Nancy and Bonnie can’t come: they’re not worth Cindy’s time? But they’re worth my time. How can someone not be worth your time? Do I really want to be Cindy’s friend?_

_“At least she’s giving you a chance at an exciting life, that’s more than anything those other two have ever given you.”_  Jadis says coldly as Samantha puts blush on my cheeks.

She’s right, neither one could. Nancy’s usually more focused on school work and though Bonnie’s usually pretty sociable, she’s not as mature as Cindy. “Ow!” I yell as Jane yanks the brush through my hair.

“Oh sorry, Jane can be a little rough sometimes. Not that there’s any room for being gentle when it comes to looking your best.” The girls giggle in agreement.

 _No room for being gentle? But I’ve always been gentle. Do I have to give it up as well?_  I think this as Jane continues to pull my hair with a brush and Samantha almost pokes my eye while applying eyeliner. Is this really what I want? I wonder as they both are being anything but gentle.

“Alright, all done.” Cindy says after Samantha finishes applying bright red lipstick. I look up and gasp at my own reflection.

“Do you like it?” Jane ask expectantly as I look in the mirror.

“I love it.” I finally say admiring my reflection. I no longer look like a simple school girl, the makeup brought out all of my facial features. Which makes me look a lot older than fourteen, and very gorgeous. A lot different from the kind of beauty I once had as a gentle queen, this seems to be a more mature beauty.

“Come on, ladies, we don’t want to miss the party.” Cindy says while I put on my shoes. We leave the room and meet with the other girls who compliment me on my looks. They’re a little older and even have their own cars to get to the party.

I think I’m going to enjoy myself after all. _“You will and with my help you can look like this all the time, Susan.”_

_Why do you want to help me?_

_“Do I need a reason to guide you to a life of thrills and excitement where you can have the power you always wanted and be adored by your peers That’s more than ‘the great lion’ every gave you.”_

I shiver at the mention of the lion, for a moment I think about the last time I looked into his beautiful, warm eyes that seemed to be longing for something from me. _I wonder what he thinks of me now? Would he- ahh!_ An ice cold headache suddenly freezes my thoughts.

 _“Do really think he cares what you’re doing now?”_  She says filled with anger, _“After all, he’s the one who abandoned you to this world- you might as well enjoy yourself.”_

“Are you feeling alright? You’re not getting sick are you?” Cindy asks in disgust.

“No, I’m fine. It’s just a small headache.”

“Good, we wouldn’t want you to miss out on the best night of your life. I have a lot friends who will love to meet you.” She says in a voice almost as cold as Jadis’s. Finally, we arrive at the place where the party’s being held. The others giggle while exiting the car.

I step out and look at the other people walking into the party. Everyone looks so grown up: most of the girls have as much make up as I do and seem very mature like Cindy and her friends. The boys look mature as well and everyone seems to act as though they’re royalty themselves. Kind of reminds me of the balls I used to attend in the other place, but I don’t think this is going to be like a ball and it seems different from the party I attended with my parents in America. _I wonder how they’ll react when they find out about this?_

 _“Don’t concern yourself with their approval. You are a queen, aren’t you? Now go live the life you’ve always wanted! It’s right behind that door.”_ Jadis tells me in her cold yet soft voice, which sounds rather pleasing.

I walk through the door confidently and look in amazement at the vision around me. Everyone is enjoying themselves greatly as though nothing else seems to matter or even exist.

“Hey, this is my new friend, Susan Pevensie, she lived in America for four mouths.” Cindy introduces me to everyone and they all seem impressed and ask me all sorts of question about America. It’s almost as if they know I was a queen.

It’s been a while since I felt this way. _Maybe Jadis is right about my desire to have the life of a queen back_. I smile at the chilling thought.


	11. Chapter 11

**December 23, 1942,**  

As I sit on the couch in the family room watching the snow fall outside, my dad, cousin and siblings decorate the tree for the holiday while singing “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” They really seem to be having a wonderful time and why shouldn’t they be? Christmas is only a few days away. It has always been a wonderful time for us and this is the first year since the war started that the whole family is celebrating together and part of me is glad.

But even the simple thought of Christmas sends shivers down my spine making it unbearable to celebrate. It must be because of my unwanted guest. Though she hasn’t done anything to hurt my family and she may have had a part in getting me many of my new friends who took me to the wonderful parties. I smile just thinking about them. I always knew those party would be exciting, but I didn’t know they were going to be so delightful or how much they would make me feel like royalty again, not to mention how lovely I looked.

 _Maybe having Jadis in my head isn’t so bad._ I think to myself before looking back at my family. _Oh, what am I thinking? She’s the White Witch, the one who hurt so many Narnians and almost killed Edmund! And the one that destroyed her own world just so she wouldn’t lose her throne to her sister!_

_“But I also helped you gain that exciting life and the only who has any interest in giving you everything you desire.”_

_No, I’m not taking anything from you. It was my choice to be friends with Cindy._

Jadis lets out a chilling laugh, _“You really think she would have paid you any mind if I wasn’t here to guide you?”_

“Su, do you know what number eight is?” Peter voice cuts through Jadis’s.

“Huh?” I look over to him unsure of what he’s talking about.

“In ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas,’ we can’t figure out number eight. Dad and I think it is ladies dancing, but Ed and Lu say it’s drummers drumming and I wondered if you knew which one is right.” Peter informs me as the others look at me anxiously awaiting my answer.

“Well, actually maids a-milking is number eight,” I reply trying to get my mind on something- anything- else.

“Oh, I forgot all about that one!” Lucy exclaims.

“I thought that was number ten _.”_ Peter says following Lucy.

“No, ten is lords a-leaping.” Edmund informs him.

“Who would bother with those strange gifts anyway?” Eustace questions them while hanging an ornament on the tree.

“David, could you help me in the kitchen?” Mum asks after entering the family room.

“Sure, honey,” he replies. “I’ll be right back, kids- don’t put the star on without me!”

“We won’t, Dad.” Peter assures him before Mum and Dad go to the kitchen while the rest continue decorating the tree.

“So, Eustace, when are you going to tell us about your second trip to Narnia?” I jump at Edmund’s question and move closer to the group.

“I was going to wait until after dinner,” he tells them.

“Wait, you went to back to Narnia?” I ask him coldly.

“Yes, I went there about the second week of the school term with my friend, Jill Pole.” _He went back there already?_ I think to myself as he goes on about finding his friend upset behind her school gym, how he told her about Narnia, and how they ended up in Narnia.

I cringe as he goes on about how Jill met the lion.

_“It’s only been a matter of months since he went with the traitor and your sister and he’s already been there twice while you had to wait a year for your second trip. It seems rather unfair. Then again the lion has always favored some of you humans over others.”_

_What do you mean?_ I ask her while Eustace tells of his adventure.

_“Don’t you know, Susan? The lion only has so much love, someone will have to be left out.”_

_No, he has always loved all of us the same._ The witch laughs yet again.

 _“Do you really believe that? I thought you had enough sense to know that no one can love everyone the same and, if anything, you’re the one he loves the least.”_  

My heart sinks at her words. _He loves me the least?_

I may be angry at him for telling me I couldn’t go back, but I never thought that he loved me the least. I look over to the warm smiles on my siblings’ and cousin’s faces trying to ignore what she said. “I’m so glad you didn’t go to Narnia by yourself, it’s much better to have someone else with you.” I hear Lucy say to Eustace.

“Yes, I probably would have kept standing around the docks if Pole wasn’t there.” He says to them and they laugh warmly.   

_No, you’re wrong he loves me just as much as he does the others._

_“If that is true, then why did he let your younger brother and sister go back a third time? And they both had already been there longer than you and your older brother.”_

_Stop it._

_“Oh, it doesn’t stop there- he has done so much for your siblings. He made your older brother High King, he gave his life for your younger brother, and your sister, well, she seems to be the one he loves the most. After all, she was the only one he’d show himself to at the Gorge, and she has been to Narnia longer than any of you. Now what has he ever done for you?”_

Listening to her cold words I begin to think she’s right. The lion has done all those things for my family and they always knew how much he loves them or loved -after all, they’re stuck here as well- but he’s never… _No, no you’re wrong! He’s done a lot for me- he made me a Queen!_

 _For only a short time. And do you really think the kingdom needs four rulers?”_ A cold tear falls down my cheek.

“Susan, what’s wrong?” Lucy asks me causing me to look up to my family watching me including my parents.     

“I’m alright,” I lie with a fake smile though Edmund still looks confused. Luckily, he won’t question me in front of everyone.

“Well, dinner is ready. You, kids, should wash up.” Mum states and they all make their way to the dining room as I look around at the decorations for Christmas. This time of year used to make me feel warm inside- almost as much as he used to. Though I’m not sure I even want to think about him.    


	12. Chapter 12

**December 28, 1942,**

I sit on the Couch reading a book Mother and Father got me for Christmas a few days ago. It's a good thing Christmas is over; I’m not sure I could take much more of the horrible feeling it gave me. At least I got some nice things out of the holiday. Though they're not half as exciting as the party. Oh, how nice it was to just enjoy myself and not worry about the war or not being able to go back to that other world.

I haven't been a party since the holiday started, which is too long of a wait. I'm starting to wonder if I'm still worth Cindy and her friends' time, or have they forgotten all about me like… I stop reading for moment and think about what Jadis said about the Lion. I know it's probably a lie, but the more I think about it the more it starts to make sense. The worst part is, she may be right.

I hear someone come through the front door and look over to Peter, Lucy, Edmund and Eustace whose parents agreed to let stay with us until the end of the holidays. They are all taking off their coats and

gloves while smiling. "I'll get the hang of it, thank you for trying to teach me though," Eustace says to the others.

"Don't worry Eustace, it's a lot easier teaching you to Ice skate than it was trying to teach Mr. Tumnus," Lucy replies back. "But, he was also had hooves too," she adds, laughing, and the others join in.

"Hullo Su, are mum and Dad around?" Peter says while walking over to me.

"Dad's in his den and Mum went grocery shopping a little while ago."

"Alright, I'll give them these later," he says as he sits down next to me and starts looks starts looking through letters. Lucy sits next to him.

"Have you gotten anything yet?" she asks, as he continues looking through them and Eustace sits down next to Lucy.

"Are you expecting a letter?" I ask.

"Yes, I applied to some university in London. I'm hoping to go somewhere close to home," he tells me

"Right," I say, before returning to my book. Suddenly it hits me that Peter is almost done with school and will be moving on to a university soon. It seems like everything moving too quickly for me to catch up, and not just in this world. I think to myself, remembering what Eustace told us a few days ago about Caspian's dying of old age, though it's only been a little over a year since we helped him regain the throne when he was no older than us, and when we came to help him, over a thousand years passed there and it was only a year for us. It makes it really hard to enjoy thing's while knowing it won't be long before it's over, or it's taken away from you. Just thinking about it makes me shiver.

"Did you get the letter?" Edmund asks him as he sits down in a chair.

"No, but there is one addressed to you Su. from Cindy, I'm guessing it's one of your friends," he says, before handing me the envelope. I quickly open it, anticipating what it might say. Oh I hope it's

something really exciting, I think to myself as I read the invitation. I smile and start thinking, I can't wait to go to another one. "What does it say?" Peter asks me.

"It's an invitation to Cindy's party," I say, forgetting in my excitement that I haven't told him, Ed, or our parent's about my new friendships or the party's. "They're so wonderful, everyone there is very grown up and they have a great since of fashion. It's a very delightful experience."

"Are you sure Mum and Dad are alright with you going?" Peter asks.

"I'm almost fifteen years old, I don't need their approval anymore," I tell him, words similar to the ones Jadis told me at the first party Cindy invited me to. Though I probably shouldn't have said it.

"Susan, Pete's older then you and he can't even leave the house without asking Mum first," Edmund says, causing Peter and Lucy to start laughing. I stay silent, almost feeling foolish.

 _"Are really going to let them laugh at you like this, then again none of them never really respect at all."_ Jadis lies coldly. At least I think it's a lie, but honestly everything she's told me so far seems to be true. But she can't be right about this. My siblings have always respected, after all, we did rule together. _"You may have, but did you really do anything as a queen besides plan balls and look for a suitor even chance you got, do you really think your family has ever though you did anything important as a queen."_ No I've done a lot as Queen, I was there for the Narnians. At least I think I was; I can't quite remember everything I did.

"But seriously Su," Peter says, interrupting my thoughts. "We know you're old enough to make your own decisions. But you should still tell them, they are our parents after all."

"Peter you know they wouldn't like me to go, they won't approve of this kind of party," I tell him.

"Are you sure it's worth go to at all," Lucy says calmly. I know how she feels about my new friends even if she won't come out and say it.

"Of course I am sure Lucy, they're not like that, and the people are good and charming, not to mention friendly," I say, trying get them to see those my way.

"They maybe, but you and I both know how people can be devising," Ed says reasonably. I know he's right, but it doesn't change how much I want to go this party. Why are they all against me going? Don't they see how wonderful it makes me feel

 _"If they ever really cared about what you want, they would see. But then again I think this conversation prove that they never have, after all, do you really think they trusted as their fellow ruler, especially after what happen with the Prince of Calormen."_ I almost jump when she mentions the Prince. Who's someone I definitely want to forget about, as he was one of the worst suitors I ever had. But surely my siblings don't blame my false judgments for his irregularly behavior.

"I know Ed, but I've already been to two party's like this one, and nothing bad has happened. No one there has given any evidence of show a false face," I reassure, though honestly I know the last part wasn't true.

"We understand Su, we're not saying we don't trust you to make good choices and I'm sure Mum and Dad trust you enough to let you go, but you can't be too careful with those kind of thing," Edmund says calmly, and I smile in knowing that the Witch was wrong.

 _"Are you so sure I'm wrong, isn't the traitor known for having a way with words. How do you know he's not just keeping you from going, by convincing you that they trust you enough to make good choices, but of course its they consider to be the right and it only get you to do what they want,"_ she tells me, and my smile quickly goes away as a chill come over me. She's right, I think to myself. My siblings obviously don't like the idea of this party and are probably going to continue to talk me out of it.

"When is this Party away?" Eustace asks.

"It's the day after tomorrow, it starts at eight, " I answer him.

"But what about the dinner?" Lucy says,

"What dinner?"

"Don't you remember were going to aunt Polly to talk about Narnia," she tells me, though I'm still a little confused.

"We thought it would be great if Eustace and his friend Jill meet Polly and the Professor to tell them about their latest adventure," Peter says, following Lucy.

"Are we all supposed to go?" I ask. Why does it have to be the same day? They won't like it if I miss out.

_"Even more proof they're finding reason to keep you away from your exciting life."_

"It would be nice if we all went, but I guess you don't have to," Peter tells me while I look at the invitation. Maybe Jadis is right, they are trying to keep me from the party.

"Well, Cindy's house is a few blocks away from Aunt Polly's. I guess I could go to the party after the dinner," I say, not wanting to disappoint them. But honestly, I'm the one who's disappointed in them.


	13. Chapter 13

**December 30, 1942,**

I sit on a branch outside Miss. Plummer's house, and watch as the snow falls softly on the earth. I wish I was at home getting ready for the party, but instead I told Peter I'd come with them to this dinner and do the very thing I've been trying to avoid for the last year and half.  _"You could just leave now, and they won't even notice"_ says a soft voice in my ear.

"I don't want to upset my family," I tell Jadis, not noticing I said it out loud.

_"Haven't they already upset you, by making you come to this party."_

"Stop it," I say after standing up.

"Are you alright Su?" I turn to see Edmund standing by the door

I fake a smile. "Yes, I'm fine."

"Alright, is there someone else out with you?" I freeze at his question. He must have heard me talking to Jadis.

"Of course not Ed," I laugh. "We're the only ones out here," I add, quickly, hoping he doesn't ask me anything else. I don't need him to worry about Jadis being in my head, she done enough to him already.

"What are you doing out here?" he asks me, to break the silence.

"I just wanted to be outside for a moment, to think."  _Away from everyone else,_  I add to myself while sitting back down on the branch. I don't want him to know how much I don't want to be here.

"Well you can think inside, it's a lot warmer in there," he says, still suspicious of my actions.

"Yes well, I'm watching the snow fall. It's quite beautiful," I say to him, hoping to get him off the subject of my questionable behavior.

"Well maybe at first, but it can also be pretty deadly," he says quietly. we stay silent for moment; I shouldn't have said that. I know how much this season reminds him of her, and how he betrayed us for what used to be his favorite sweet. Not that I've ever saw him as a traitor, just my little brother who went after something he really wanted. Which, now that I think about it, doesn't sound like such a bad thing.

"I'm sorry Edmund, I wasn't thinking," I tell him.

"It's alright, the winter doesn't bother me here as much as it did in Narnia, beside she is long gone now," he says.

"Of course." I turn away from him, knowing that it wasn't true and I don't want to give him anymore reminders of what happened, though the more I think about his betrayal the more I wonder what must have went through his mind when he decided to leave the Beavers. Was it because he was angry with Peter, or maybe all thing Jadis promised him seemed so good at the time, that it didn't matter what anyone else said about her? He was still planning on leaving us, to get what he had been longing for since he had first met the Queen.

"Are you still going to that party later?"

"Yes Ed, I'm not going to miss it for anything."  _Maybe we're not so different from each other Edmund_ , I say to myself.  _Maybe I should…_ No I can't turn my back on them, I can't put Peter and Lucy through that again, and don't want Ed to go through it. "But I won't leave until we're done here and not a minute sooner," I tell him, trying to get the proves idea out of my head.

"Right," he says, with a confused look on his face. I look back to watch the wind blow the snow across the yard, making me making me shiver with cold. I know Edmund sees that there something going on with me, but if he finds out, he'll try to find a way to get her out, and I'm not sure if want that anymore.

"Hi Edmund, have you seen Susan…" I turn to see Eustace's friend standing next to Ed. "Oh, Susan," she says before walking towards me. "Could you teach me about archery? Lucy was telling me about how you're good with a bow and I'd really like to learn all about it for my next trip to Narnia." Chills run down my spine as she talks about another trip, almost making me reconsider my previous thoughts.

 _"You should go now, you know they only going to keep remind you of the other world_ ," Jadis tells me.

 _I know, but I can't, I told my siblings I would stay for dinner,_  I reply in my mind, remembering that Edmund is still standing by the door.

 _"Do you really want to spend the rest of your life letting your brothers and sister make your decoration for you or do you want to feel like a queen again?"_  I feel another chill while she speaks.

"Susan?" I look back the to the young girl in front of me. "Is there something wrong?" she asks.

"No, I'm just cold. I think I should go inside. I'll teach you about archery another time."  _Or maybe never_  I tell myself as I move past her and Edmund to go inside, into a setting room where Peter's talking to professor Kirke, and Lucy and Eustace are playing a game.

"Susan." I turn to see Polly, holding a pile of plates. "Could you help me set the table?"

"Of course" I say, forcing myself to smile, before putting my coat on the rack with the others and follow her into the small dining room. We start setting the table, and I try to keep my hands busy, trying not to think about leaving for the party later on.

"Susan, I wanted you to know that I made arrangement for you to switch rooms with Elizabeth as you requested," Polly tells me while putting plates around the table.

"Thank you, I really appreciate it," I smile, glad I no longer have to share a room with Nancy and Bonnie.

"Of course, I'm sorry you couldn't work things out with Nancy," she tells me, though honestly I didn't really want to work things out with my former best friend. I never apologized for what I said to her before I when to that first party, and she didn't bother hiding how she felt about my new friend-and Bonnie wasn't much better. "It's such a shame that you've grown apart, you girls used to be so close."

"Yes well, people change as they get older, and so do childhood friendships," I say while I put out the silverware.

"Well you know some the best of friendships are ones we make when we're children-and there're also the ones that shouldn't be forgotten when you get older Susan," she tells me as we put the food on the table. Though I get the feeling she talking about more than my just my friends at school.

"I'm not so sure about that," I say calmly. "New friendships can be just as wonderful and they can shape into who are as an adult," I add, trying to sound as mature as possible.

"Yes, but not always for the better." I stay silent as we finish putting the food out. "Alright everything set, I'll go tell the others," she says before leaving the room. I know Polly's only trying to help me, but sometimes if I feel like she's trying to tell me how to live my life. Not like she's the only who does it to me either-Peter, Edmund and the others here keep try to tell me how to live, as though none of them think I'm capable of making my own decisions.

_"Of course, no one has ever trusted you to make your own choices, but then again choice was never part of the Lion's game."_

_Game? What game?_

_"Haven't you guessed it Susan, the only reason any of you human creatures were brought to Narnia, was so the Lion could use you as his pawn to play with in his magic world to do his bidding, and then sent you back to this magicless world when he's finished with you."_

_His pawn?_ I wonder while washing my hands. _Is that all we ever were to him? If so, then why would he make me and my siblings Kings and Queens?_

 _"But he only made you a queen for a short time. If he really trusted you, he would have let you stay longer and wouldn't have banned you from ever going back."_  I listen to her words, and as much as I like to think the Lion is always been good to me and my family, I know he hasn't or he wouldn't have banned us to this world away from him. And besides it's not possible someone to be good all the time, not even Aslan.

I take my place at the table between Eustace and Lucy.  _"I'm glad you're starting to see thing's my way Susan. But do you still want stay these other, keep on being one of the Lion's pawn."_

 _I'm not seeing things your way._ I argue with her _;_ I can't agree with her. Right?

_"Aren't you? Didn't I tell you the other day, the Lion only has so much love."_

_Yes, but I…_

"How would the High King like the honor of praying for this meal?" I startle as the Professor speaks.

"Certainly" Peter responds.  _Maybe I should leave_ , I think to myself as we grab each other hands. Never the less I don't pray with them because for the past few months whenever I pray with my family I get a feeling of terror which is quite unbearable. Even listening to Peter bless this food is making me feel sick.  _Why do we have to do this, it's not like anyone listening._  "In Jesus name amen." I jerk my hands away from Eustace and Lucy.

"Are you alright, your hand seems really cold?" Eustace asks me.

"And shaky," Lucy adds.

"I'm perfectly fine, my hands are only cold because I was outside earlier," I tell both of them quickly. I'm not sure if I handle another question from any of them. I just want to get the dinner over with, so I can go to Cindy's party.

"Well as this is the first time all eight of us are together, what should we talk about?" Peter says as though he were addressing a court at Cair Paravel. _But this isn't a court it's just supposed to be a simple dinner,_ I say to myself as I start eating.

"First, we should come up with a name to call our group."  _Group, we're some kind of club now?_

"Great Idea Polly, does anyone have any suggestions on what our name should be?" Peter asks.

"We could call our slave the Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve. That's what the Narnians always called us," Eustace suggests.

"Sure, but it's also just another way of saying 'human' there. I don't think we should use it as a group name," Edmund tells him.

"Well we could call it the humans of Narnia," Lucy says smiling.  _Why do we even need a name, most of us can't even go back, what's the point of the 'meeting'?_

_"I told you things were only going to get worse. the longer you stay with them the more you'll have to hear about that other world, you can never go back to. You should leave for the party now."_

_I can't leave just yet; I can't turn my back on them._

_"Hasn't everyone in this room already shown how little they care about you; do you think really they would change their mind about you if you left now?"_ Maybe not, but I can't tell her that.

"How about the Children of Narnia?" I hear Eustace's friend say.

The Professor laughs. "Well I'm afraid that name can't apply to all of us," he responds.

_I just can't leave._

_"What are you afraid of Susan? That they're not going to accept you for who you really are, do they even accept you now?"_

_No, I'm not afraid of them._

_"You forget that I see your every thought and I know your fears and desires. I know you fear rejection, you fear that one day you'll wake up and find that everyone you hold dear will leave and you'll be all alone in this cold world."_  I hold back my tears as she speaks, though I probably don't have too, no one's really paying any attention to me.

 _"But you know Susan, you won't be rejected by your new friends at the party. There you'll find all your heart's desires, everyone will treat you like the queen you once were and if you do as I say, I'll make sure none of it is ever taken away from you."_ Her icy voice echoes though my mind and I find myself looking toward the exit.

"I know! we can call ourselves The Friends of Narnia," I hear Lucy say, followed by the agreement of the others at the table.

"It's settled then, from now on we'll be known as the eight Friends of Narnia," Peter says.

_"So what will it be daughter of Eve, will you go follow your heart desires and be treated like a queen or spend the rest of your life being a pawn in the Lion's game, the same Lion who took your kingdom and abandoned you to this cold world, is that what you want Susan…"_

"NO!" I stand from my seat, not realizing that everyone heard me shout until I see seven pairs of eyes staring me. "Excuse me, I think I need some fresh air," I say before leaving the room, grabbing my coat on the way out of the house. The snow hits my face like tiny pine needle.

 _"Will Susan, have you decided."_  I stop in front of Polly's house and take a deep breath.

 _"_ Yes, just tell what you want from me _,"_  I tell her with a cold sigh of relief and a clear mind-or as clear as it can be with Jadis in there. But having her in there doesn't so feel bad anymore, actually I think I'm growing to like the idea. After all, she she's the only one who seems to care about I want and for months she has helped me get the exciting life. I know she'll continue to help me have more of these fun experiences.

 _"Alright, if you must know. I desire to rule this magicless world, and make you my human center. Do my bidding, and I need your help to gain that power. And in return I'll give you the power you desire,"_  she tells me.

"I'll do whatever you want me to do," I tell her as the snow falls hard to the ground. I know making a deal with her isn't the best idea. I know she's done horrible things, but doing this makes me feel like a queen again, and I'll be around my wonderful new friend who won't leave me like that Lion did.

 _"Well then, let me show you the real excitement that life will give you,"_  she says. I grab a tube of cherry red lipstick from my pocket and seal it to my lips.

"Susan!" I hear Lucy yell. I turn to see her, Peter, and Edmund coming towards me. I hesitate for a second, they're not going to like what I'm about to say and they're going try to talk me out it, but even though it might break their hearts, I'm going to let them change my mind. "Where are you going?" Lucy asks.

"I'm leaving for Cindy's party," I tell them.

"I thought you going to wait until after dinner?" Edmund asks.

"I change my mind, after all I don't want to be late," I say before turning and starting to walk away.

"But I thought you said the party didn't start until eight, it's barely even seven. Surely you can stay for a little longer," Peter says. I turn to face them. It's dark and the snow's falling making it hard to see their faces, which is probably a good thing. as they are no doubt disappointed in me.

"I'm not just going to stand here and talk about a world that we can't even return to. There's no point," I tell them.

"What do you mean there's no point, don't you like being here with us?" Lucy asks.

"No, I'm sorry, but I can't keep pretending that I still want to be a part of this, when I just want to be as far from it as possible and start enjoying my life without having think about that place," I tell them. Chills run through my body as I voice my thoughts.

"Susan, look. We miss Narnia just as much you do, and it hurts knowing we can no longer go back to our home, but that doesn't mean we just forget all about it. That's why we're all meeting so we wouldn't forget Narnia," Peter tells me. He may be right, but I don't see how the things we learned in that world matter in this one. Especially since most of the things we learned where were from the Lion, and I know I can't trust anything he's said.

"The things we learned in that world don't matter in this one, and since this is the world we live in now, there no point in trying to pretend like we're still in that world," I say firmly.

"Of course it matter's. Aslan's the one who…" Peter says.

"Don't mention that Lion's Name!" I growl as the snow falls harder. "He's the one who took us from this world and then abandoned us. He's the one who made us rule that wonderful land, and then took it away from us by sending back though that silly wardrobe. He's the one who told us we couldn't go back and left us in this world with that never ending war, and where we were nothing but school children. If he ever really cared about us at all he wouldn't have done that," I tell with anger as I feel my heart grow colder.

"That's not true and you know it," said Lucy. "Aslan has always been there for us. Even when it doesn't seem like he's there. Don't you remember during our second visit when we met him in the forest, don't you remember what he said to you? He told you to let go of your fears, and you let him take care of them. Don't you think maybe he wants you let go of your fear here, so that he can take care of them in this world as he did in Narnia."

"He's not in this world Lucy, and I'm not going to sit around waiting for him to take Eustace and his friend on another adventure. I'm tired of him treating me like pawn in his game!" I say, remembering what Jadis told me about the Lion's game.

"A game! You think us going to Narnia and risking our life for it, was just some kind of game," Peter tell me angrily.

"It might as well have been a game, after all we were only sent there when he wanted us to do something and then sent back when we did what he wanted, and I'm not going to be a part of it. Now If you excuse me I have a party to get to," I say in a cold voice, before walking further away.

"Susan wait," Edmund says causing me to stop and look toward him.

"You can't stop me from going Edmund."

"I know, but just listen to me for a moment." I remain silent to let him talk. "When we all went through the wardrobe together into Narnia, all I could think about was how all I wanted was the Turkish Delight the Witch promised, and I wasn't going to stop at anything to get it. Even though I knew all the evil she had done, and her sending wolves after you, I still wanted it. And even now I still feel guilty of knowing that I put you, Peter, Lucy and all of Narnia in danger, just because I wanted sweets."

I listen to his words, knowing what he's trying to say. "It's just a party, Edmund."

"And Turkish Delight is just a piece of candy, but it's nothing compared to the love of family," he says. I stand for a moment, realizing that I may be making a foolish decision. But, then again, it's one that will make me happy.

"Goodbye Edmund," I say to him, before turning away from my family, away from the Friends of Narnia, and away from Aslan. A cold wind brushes through my hair as I walk down the street. It's alright though, I'm kind of enjoying the cold.


	14. Chapter 14

**April 18, 1946**

I look at myself in the mirror while putting on some red lipstick. I smile at my reflection, and add a little more. After all, I want to look good for the party. I go to my dresser to pick out a pair of nylons to match my outfit. Once I'm done putting them on I look at my watch and sigh. _I wish my beau would get here already. I don't want to be too late to the party; he knows everyone is expecting me. Maybe I should go alone._

 _"You still need the rich fool, if you want to keep up appearances,"_ my friends voice tells me. I turn to see her image in my mirror. I'm not sure long Jadis has been in my mind or even how she got in there, though it doesn't matter- she has helped a lot in these past few years.

"Surely, I can find another beau, who will get me what I want and won't waste my time," I reply.

 _"Yes, there are many foolish men, who are as wealthy as this one, but you wouldn't what to risk losing everything we've worked for. You have to keep him around, unless you want to go back to being a pawn in the Lion's game."_ I cringe at the mention of that game.

"No, that's the last thing I want, and I thought we agreed never to talk about that," I say angrily. After all, I spend four years trying to forget that game, I don't need "Ahh".

 _"Our agreement is that if you want to keep to your exciting life, you'll do as I say. You'll remember that I'm the one who got you this life, and you wouldn't want me to get angry with you,"_ she tells me, before my headache goes away.

"Aright, I'll keep him around, until I find someone else," I tell her. After all, I don't want to anger her and I also don't want her to think I'm ungrateful for her helping me escape the Lion's game, after all, that game has done much to me in the past, though I don't remember most of it. I'm just glad to no longer be a part of it.

"Susan! Jason's waiting for you down stairs," I hear my Mother say on the other side of my door.

"Tell him I'll be right down," I order her, before grabbing my purse and putting my wallet, lipstick, and another any other items that prevent me from being tied to any of my admirers.

I leave my room, and go down stairs to see my beau talking to my little brother and sister. Both seem bored to tears. _They better not scare him away_ ; I think as I come into enter the family room. "Hello Jason, sorry to keep you waiting," I say calmly, not wanting him to know how annoyed I am; he does have beautiful Hazel eyes.

"It's alright, it gave me a chance to get to know your brother and sister," he tells me.

"Well, I'm sure they made you feel at home," I smile as I take hold of his arm.

"Unfortunately," I hear Edmund mumble to Lucy. I give him an annoyed look and he and Lucy stare at me with strange faces. I wish they would be a little nicer, then again they never liked any of mine my suit-, I mean beaus. "Come on Jason, we don't want to be late," I tell him, I want him to see me argue with my siblings.

"Goodbye Susan," my Mother tell me softly, though she looks rather disappointed. Of course, her and Father don't like the parties or my friends, they even tried to forbid from going to a few years ago. Though, thanks to Jadis' advice I went to that party, they can't stop me from enjoying my life, and they don't have authority over me anymore, since I'm eighteen.

"Goodbye, and I'll be home late, so don't wait up," I tell my family after ushering Jason out the door, and leave before they can say anything else. I get into his car and feel his kiss on my icy check.

"I don't know if I told you how lovely you look this evening." I smile at his words; of course, I know I'm very beautiful, but I love hearing it from someone else. "I bought this for you this morning, I thought it match your lovely eyes," he says while handing me a box. It has a pearl neckless inside that must have cost him a fortune.

"Oh Jason you simply shouldn't have," I lie to him, before he takes the neckless and puts it around my cold neck.

 _"It is a lovely piece of jewelry, it's almost a shame you'll have to sell it,"_ I hear the queen say in my mind.

 _Yes, but it's like you said, I need to keep up appearances, my outfits aren't cheap, and it's not like I have the fortune of a queen,_ I tell her as Jason kisses me, before he drives to the party.

_"Not yet, but—"_

_The longer I keep up this act, I'll have more a chance to gain that fortune, right?_ I interrupted because I knew what she was going to say.

 _"I must say Susan, you have impressed me in the past few years, though you still have a lot to learn if want them to treat you like a queen,"_ she tells me, as Jason parks the car. I know Jadis is right, she usually is, though I'm not sure if there's more I need to learn. Jason open my door and holds out his hand as though he were helping me out of a royal carriage.

We walk up to the house where I see many of my friends, who are dressed almost as lovely as I am, meaning that I'm the most beautiful one here, as usual.

"Susan!" says Cindy as Jason and I enter the house. "It's great your finally here, this party was starting to get rather dull," she says almost too carefully, before turning to Jason and smiling. "And you must be Jason, you're even more handsome than Susan said." She leans towards him, which causes him to smile and ignore me.

_What does she think she doing flirting him, I'm the one he bought the neckless for._

_"Are you just going to stand here and let her take him and his wealth away, after all, you still need it."_ Jadis says as they continue to flirt with each other.

_Of course, not, we've worked too hard for it and it doesn't matter if Cindy helped me get here._

_"She hasn't done nearly as much as I have to get you to this place and she is a fool to think she can take him for herself."_

_Right,_ I tell her and get myself to smile. "Jason I'm feeling a little thirsty, I'm sure you wouldn't mind getting me a glass of punch," I tell say in a sweet voice.

"Of course not," he says kissing me on the cheek. "I'll be right back dear," he adds before leaving.

"I'll see you later Jason," Cindy giggles. "Oh Susan, you always know how to pick them, he's very good looking and rich," she adds as I feel myself growing cool with anger, but I make sure not to show it.

"Of course I do, but it does go both ways. Jason knows how beautiful I am, and he wouldn't want to settle for less," I say with a fake smile, though Cindy just laughs. _She must have drunk too much punch._

"You think I'm trying to steal him from you, of course I'm not. I'm already here with Robert," she tells me, while trying to keep her balance. "He's over there talking to a few of his friends." She points to a dark haired young man with strong muscles and gorgeous smile, that is ten times better then Jason's. "Doesn't he look handsome"

"Yes," I say with a chilling smile.

_"You know Susan; I think your 'friend' should know what happens when someone tell tries to mess with our plans."_

_Yes, but I still need Jason's money, since I don't how wealthy Robert is._

_"Maybe not, but you can always go with both, it's not like you haven't done it before."_

_True, I'll just have to make Jason busy while I get to know Robert. I smile as Jason hands me a drink._

Throughout the Party I mingle with practically everyone, well, everyone who matters anyway. I show the pearl neckless, they were all impressed and Jason told them how it added to my beauty. Then I dance with him for a while, but the whole time that I am with him, I found myself looking at Robert kissing Cindy, wishing I was in her place. However, at the same time I don't want to lose Jason just yet. So, I decide to kiss him for a while, and pretend like I enjoy it.

Eventually, I convince Jason that he needs a nap in the car. After all, he doesn't want to fall asleep when he takes me home, and I can finally get a chance to know Robert, who was standing by a counter by himself. Cindy had passed out an hour ago, from drinking so much, which means she won't see me with Robert, but that's alright. I can still have my fun.

"Hello," I greet him.

"Hello," he says while smiling and looking me over.

"I couldn't help but notice you standing by yourself. I thought you could use someone to talk to," I say in a soft voice that makes me sound desirable. Jadis told me once that it was the best voice to use to get people, mostly men, to do what I want.

"Well I actually came here with Cindy." He continues talking, but I stop listening and find myself staring at his beautiful blue eyes, which are as look as cold as ice, though his smile looked a little warm.

"Well," I grab his smiling face. "Cindy won't wake up for a while and my date is passed out as well, maybe we can keep each other company." We smile at each other and soon I feel his lips against mine. Of course, I knew it would be easy, no man can resist me. So, it's easy to get them to do what I want, which makes this life I choose so much more exciting and wonderful than could _. I couldn't ask for anything better_ I think to myself, yet deep down I feel an aching in my heart, and as I kiss Robert I feel a tear runs down my check.


	15. Chapter 15

_I'm standing in a snowy graveyard. It's quiet, and there seems to be a red glow from the dark sky. I'm guessing this another memory of Jadis' fallen world, though I don't see palace ruins like I usually do, and it doesn't seem like one of her memory's. Just a graveyard with seven stone crosses covered with snow. I do see two letters on each of them, one is DK, two have PP, the others are EP, LP, ES, and JP._

_I see a woman walking slowly past the graves; she's wearing a long white dress, there’s a knife in her hand, and a crown made of ice sitting on her head. I can't see her fear,_ it must be Jadis _I think to myself, though this woman's hair looks more dark brown, and she looks shorter than Jadis._

_I watch her walk to an ice throne and I suddenly, I notice that I can't move at all, it’s as though I were made of stone. All I can do is watch the woman sit in on the throne. I can finally see her face, and it's not Jadis._

I wake from the strange dream, and find myself in my own room with an aching head, probably from all the wine I drank at party. _Oh, well, it will pass, it always does,_ I tell myself while staring at the ceiling trying to reflect on everything that happened at the party, from Cindy trying to steal my date to me being delightfully wrapped in Robert arms. Though I wish I didn't feel so miserable in the morning. I don't know why, I love going to the parties, showing off outfits, and being treated like royalty. There's no reason for me to feel miserable, right?

 _Maybe I'm sad that it's over,_ I tell myself. I get out of bed and realize that I'm still in the same outfit from last night, I must have gone straight to bed after Jason dropped me off. I didn't even take off the necklace. _It better not be ruined_. I quickly take it off to examine the pearls and notice their slight off white color. I sigh.

 _"You should have been more careful; you know what this could cost,"_ Jadis tells me as I put the tarnished neckless on my dresser.

"I know, I won't let it happen again," I say while staring at the neckless. "I can probably make something off them," I add. Before look for something to wear, I'm supposed to be going shopping with Cindy, Jane, and Samantha at noon. Lucky I sold a diamond bracelet Thursday, so I still have money for it.

I look at my watch that shows that a little past nine. I guess I should see what mother made for breakfast, I tell myself before leaving my room and make my way downstairs to the kitchen where mother is at the stove, while father, Edmund, and Lucy are sitting at the table eating. Which is a good thing, I don't have to listen to them pray. "Good morning, Susan," Mother tell me as she puts a plate of egg on the dinner table.

"morning," I reply after walking and grabbing a few paces of bacon and some eggs. 

"It's nice of you to finally grace us with your presence," Father says smiling. "We were beginning to think you didn't come home," he adds smiling, and I roll my eyes as I sit down next to Lucy.

"Well, I told you I would be arriving late." Or I should say early. Considering it was almost two, maybe later when I came home. "Besides, it's not like there's anything happening today."

"Susan, it is Easter weekend, and there's the Good Friday Service at six tonight," Mum tells me. I startled; I'd forgotten about it being Easter.

"Also, Peter's coming home today," Lucy speaks up.

"Peter's coming?" I say eagerly.

"Yeah, Dad's picking him up at the station around noon," Edmund says.

"I didn't know he was coming home this weekend," I say. I know it must be because of Easter, which is a rather pointless holiday in my opinion, but my family seems to make a big deal out of it. It's just as bad as Christmas, and it's probably why I felt sick when I woke up. I should just go back to my room and get ready to meet my friends.

But then again, I haven't seen much of Peter since he went to the university. When he comes home on holiday, there's usually a few parties I had to attend, or I would be busy at work, but now I'm currently unemployed and as I don't have another party until tomorrow night, I can spend little bit of time with him.

" _Do you really think that Brother of yours is coming back because he wants to see you, after you're not under his conatal anymore, as the other two are, and you know when he gets here he's only going to try get in the way of everything we've worked for,"_ Jadis whispers in my ear.

"How long is he staying?" I ask. I know the Queen is right, but I still want to see him again – he is my brother.

"For a few days, you know he wouldn't miss coming home for Easter," Mother says. I try to smile, but the thought of that holiday makes me sick

 _"You may want to stay, but do you have time for him,"_ Jadis says.

"Will, I guess I can always say hi to him tomorrow, or Sunday," I tell them.

"I thought you said you weren't doing anything today" Edmund asks

"I not doing anything too big, I'm just buying a few new outfits. I'll probably be gone before he gets here and I might not get back until you leave for the Service," I say. After all, I don't want to show up at the party tomorrow with nothing new to wear, and it's not like I won't see Peter some time before the party.

"But you could always buy a new outfit any other day of the week, and Peter won't be here for long," Lucy pleads, then looks at me with her big blue eyes and adds calmly, "Couldn't you stay with us just for today?"

I can't say no. Even though Lucy hasn’t been my favorite sibling, since the time when she ratted me out for going to a party that our parents forbid me to go to. However, part of me can't help but notice how her eyes seem to be filled with sadness every time I look at them.

"I guess I can always buy a new outfit tomorrow," I tell Lucy and watch her smile.

An hour later I give my friends a call to reschedule my shopping trip till tomorrow. I don't usually go against what Jadis tells me to do, but at the same time I still like to spend time with them, they are my family after all.

 _"You can spend as much time with them as you like, if want to go back to playing the Lion's game and become that worthless girl you use to be,"_ Jadis tells me. I freeze in place, thinking about what I just decided to do.

 _I may have chosen to see my Brother, but I am not going to become part of that life,_ I tell her as I take a seat in the family room with a glass of cold water in my hand.

_"But you know how they'll try drag you back to being a prisoner in the fantasy of that other world."_

_I'll just tell them; how childish they are for playing that silly game. There's no way I'm going back to being a prisoner,_ I say in my mind. Suddenly I hear a motorcar from outside and stand up, almost in excitement, knowing that Peter will coming at any moment. It will be nice to see him. _As long as he doesn't bring up that game, or anything else from my childhood. Those things in the past should stay there._

Mother come in the living room with Edmund and Lucy waiting for father and Peter to come in, and soon I see father come in with Peter's bag. "Where's Peter?" mum asks.

"He'll be in soon, his friend's just a little nervous about coming in," he says. _Friend?_ I wonder to myself. _Who would Peter invite into our home? I hope he's handsome, and very wealthy_.

The door opens again and Peter walks in. I'm about to greet him, until I see his friend. My eyes widen, she used to be my old roommate. _Nancy? What is she doing here?_

"Peter," Lucy says, before hugging him.

"Hey Lu," Peter says smiling. Then the others greet him in the same manner. But I just stand there looking my former friend standing behind him. She seems nervous, and is constantly avoiding eye contact with me. "It's great to be home, and I have someone I want you all to meet." He turns to Nancy. "I don't know if you remember Nancy Martin. She used to live across the street before the war," he adds.

"Nancy, it's great to see you again," Lucy smiles.

"You too, you've grown so much," she tells Lucy after giving her a hug.

"And so, have you, last time we saw you were barely five feet tall," Dad tells her. I watch the others greet her with open arms. _Why would Peter invite her?_ I wonder.

 _"He's obviously using her to get back at you for leaving the Lions' game and their way of thinking,"_ Jadis says as I watch them coldly. Soon Peter notices me, and walks over to give me a hug.

"Hey Su, I'm glad you're here," he tells me as he gives me a warm hug.

"I'm glad you're here too, and I see you brought a friend." I say the last part coldly. At once the room grows quiet.

"Hi Susan… it's nice to see you again," Nancy says slowly, breaking the silence.

"What are you doing here?" I demand. Nancy doesn't say anything, instead looking over to Peter. I look over to him as well, and see him smile nervously.

"Well, I guess this would be a good time as any to tell you," Peter says, walking over to Nancy and put his arm around her. "Nancy and I are seeing each other." I feel my eyes widen one again.

"That's wonderful," Lucy say cheerfully.

"Coagulation Pete," Edmund tells him and my family gives them more hugs. _What? He's dating Nancy? Is this because I won't play the childish game, so he brings her here._

 _"I told you he would go to any lengths to make you a prisoner to that other world again,"_ Jadis says as I watch the others interacting with each other.

_I shouldn't have cancelled that shopping trip. I wish Peter would understand how rude she was in the past, and how I hate being reminded of the past. I don’t want to stay here and hear about it._

_"It's best if you leave, before they start trying to ruin everything."_ _Right._ I start walking towards the phone.

"Come on, Lunch is ready," Mother says. I watch her heading to the kitchen with father, the others watch me for moment and I go back to call one of my friends.

"Susan?" Lucy say behind me, as I try to call someone. I don't even know who, I just don't want to be reminded of the past. It's too painful.

"Su," Peter says calmly, and I turn to realize we're the only ones in the room.

"I know what you're doing Peter, and if you think going out with Nancy will make me stop enjoying my life, you're wrong!" I snap at him.

"What? Su, I would never use someone just to get back at you, what kind of person do you think I am?" he demands

"Well, I've tried to set you up with plenty of my friends, who are a lot better suited for you than Nancy, and you told me you weren't interested. Now you show up with someone who just happens to be one of my former friends. It's obviously not a coincidence," I argue.

"Or maybe I just like your old friends better," he says quietly. I pause for moment, knowing what he was referring to, and felt myself shivering.

_"This should prove that he's only trying to get you to go back to being a simple pawn in the Lion's game, he wouldn't have said it otherwise."_

I smile at my brother. "Really Peter, you've just turned 19 two week ago, don't you think you're a little too old to be playing the silly game"

"Susan, surely you don't really believe that all of our adventures in Narnia were nothing but some game?"

"Of course I do, because that's all it ever was. Just a game we played to distract us from the devastating war,"

"But Su, we lived there for 15 years, the most wonderful years of our lives. Why are you trying so hard to throw it all away for nothing but vanity?" he says, and suddenly I start wishing that he wasn't standing here, I don't need Peter telling me this. It's my life after all, and I'm not just some pawn.

 _"Of course, you're not, the 'High king' is just as bad as the Lion when it comes to using others for his gain, but you remember his 'friend' knows nothing about the Lion's game and it's not good when lovers keep secrets from each other."_ I smile at Jadis' suggestion. Of course, she always knows how to get me of this tiring situations, which is why I let her.

"You're right Peter, those were the most wonderful days of your life. It's a shame you can't share it with Nancy," I tell him with a cold smile, before leaving the living room.

**Chapter 18 **Friday April, 19 1946****

After talking to Peter, I decide to stay home for a while, since I know that no matter what they say, they can’t make me go back to their silly Game. Besides, I want to see how peter deals with what I said about not being able to tell Nancy about the 'wonderful days' of his life, and for some reason, a small part of me still wants to be with them.

I walk into the kitchen where I sit next to Edmund and Father at the table. I notice Peter coming in behind me and sitting next to Nancy and Lucy. "Is everything alright?" Nancy asks Peter quietly, but still loud enough for me to hear.

He looks at me for a moment then turns to Nancy. "I'll tell you about it later," I hear him whisper back.

Then Father offers his hand to me. Unfortunately, staying here means that I must endure their prayers. "Susan, it's not going to kill you to pray with us," dad tells me. I roll my eyes before I let him and Edmund take a hold of my hands, though I might have to disagree about it not killing me.        

Because every time they pray, I feel like a part of me is shivering with coldness and yet I feel something warm trying to break through the ice. It's quite unbearable and lately I've been afraid of that, the warmth, but deep down there’s a part of me that longs for it. Almost like my body's being torn into two parts and I'm not sure what to do, and Edmund squeezing my hand isn't helping any. Luckily it only lasts a few minutes.

"Edmund, would you stop squeezing my hand," I ask him quietly after we've started eating.

"I did," he says calmly, before going back to his meal. I want to tell him not to squeeze my hand so hard next time, but that implies that I will join them in more of the worthless praying.

"Nancy, are you joining us for the Good Friday service later?" Mother says. Of course they would be talking about that retched Holiday.    

"I was planning on going as well, though I told my aunt I would go with her, since she was kind enough to let me stay with her", Nancy politely replies, which is rather odd for her, considering how rude she was to my real friends in the past, ...I highly doubt she's changed.

" _You know Susan, she's only acting polite to get to you, after all the 'High King' isn't the only one who's trying to get their way,_ " Jadis tells me as my family and Nancy continue with their sickening conversation about religion.

 _True Nancy never liked it when I decided I wanted to be around Cindy and the others who've gotten me closer to the life of a Queen, but she's just as foolish as Peter if she thinks she can ruin that._  I reply through my thoughts. while watching Nancy and Peter across the table. Peter looks as though he is still thinking about what I said earlier.    

 _“Yes, that old ‘friend’ of yours, has always tried to hold and keep you from regaining your life of royalty, that was unfairly striped away, but I'm sure I don't have to remind you of who's responsible for that."_ I feel myself growing cold with anger at the mention of what that Lion did and I almost tell Jadis not to talk about it, but then she'll just give me an ice headache and I guess she's only saying it so I don't forget why I shouldn't be part of that horrible game. I wish I could forget, it hurts so much to know that something that used to mean so much was nothing but a lie.

"Every Sunday, we've been going to a small church across from the University. It's quite lovely," I hear Nancy say.

"And people there are rather friendly as well, they make us both feel very welcome," Peter adds. I decide to draw my attention back to the others at the table, to get my mind on something else. Though I wish they would talk about something other than religion. 

“That’s good to hear,” Mother says.  

"Yes, well I am excited to join you for Easter Sunday; besides my aunt, my family doesn't really celebrate Easter, and it might sound a bit odd, but I never got the chance to go to an Easter service before," Nancy tells her, as I feel myself grow sicker, I never thought much of Easter and I don’t really care to. All it is, is a holiday based on nothing but made up stories that sound familiar, but it makes me feel ill and afraid to think about them. It's very much like the feeling I get when the family starts praying.

  "Not at all; my sister and her husband don't celebrate it either, though their son has gone to services with us in the last few years, he was even baptized two Easters ago, although this year he's going to a friend's Church..." Father goes on about how much my cousin has grown and changed in the past few years and I feel myself getting sicker, almost to the point where I was going to hurl. I must stop this at once.

“Oh Father, I don’t think Nancy wants to bother with our cousin Eustace or the useless holiday, I'm sure she'd much rather talk about her new and honest relationship with Peter," I say before looking towards Peter and watch him take a deep breath while staring at me.

“It is not a useless holiday,” I hear Lucy mumble, of course she'd say something like that.

"Well maybe not to you, but I think it'd be simply charming to hear about the happy couple." I say first towards my little sister before turning towards my eldest brother, who looks much angrier now, than he did before.

"Actually, I think we should talk about the holiday some more, after all, it is Good Friday," Nancy said, after looking at Peter and seeing the anger in his face.

"Yes, but it's not like it's any different from any other holiday," I say and watch Lucy sigh and stare down at her plate. She's always upset with my thoughts on Easter, though I don't know why.

“Maybe Easter holds more value than you think,” I hear Edmund say softly

“And maybe it’s the only holiday worth remembering,” Lucy adds. The only holiday worth remembering, what is she talking about?

"That sister of yours has always been one to believe in the foolish ritual of the Lion's Game as well as the ones in this world. She's always been nothing but an ignorant child; of course, the sane could be said of others who are at the table". Jadis says to me as I turn to Lucy and think about her not being worth my time, even if she is my little sister and part of me still cares about her even if she can be bothersome sometimes.

"Lucy, no one really needs to remember a holiday, and the only real value in it Edmund, is that it gives people an excuse not to do anything,” I tell them making myself sound as grown up as possible.  

"It may be an excuse for some, but that's not the reason or value of the holiday; each one has a story behind it that has been significant in the lives of those who celebrate it and this day in particular has a lot of meaning behind it," Edmund argues.

"That may be true, but that doesn't mean it has anything to do with us, there's no point in going on about it!" I say firmly,   

"Well maybe if you actually looked at the story behind Good Friday, you might see the significance it holds for all life in the world and you might find someone, who for some reason, called you Gentle," Peter says, standing at the table, finally losing his temper.

 “Peter” Nancy says gently. 

“Don’t mention that bloody game, unless you want Nancy here to know how childish you are!” I yell back as I stand.

"Oh, I'm the childish one!?" Peter shoots back sarcastically.

"Well you're the one who-"

"I think we've had enough conversation!" Father interrupts. "Peter, if you can't talk to your sister with a civil tongue then you shouldn't speak to her at all, and Susan that goes for you too. You are both adults and can communicate in an appropriate manner.” Peter and stare at each other, as he go on “Now, let's all calm down and enjoy this meal your mother's prepared." We both sit down. Peter apologizes and I pretend to do the same.

After lunch, I go into the family room and start to peruse a fashion magazine I bought the other day in an effort to get my mind on something other than the argument I'd had with Peter. Not that it was my fault, I was only trying to change the subject to something that wouldn't make me feel sick, why do they always insist on causing an uproar?

 "Isn't it obvious Susan? After all you know how little they care about you and they're still trying to control you. Your siblings have chosen to be mere peasants, they want to remain the illusion of the other world and that Lion; they cannot that you wish to be more than the weak and worthless girl they made you out to be". I let her words sink in and I feel a pain in my chest as my heart grows colder still. I almost start crying but there's no point; I know her words to be true.

Suddenly I hear footsteps approaching, silencing my inner dialog. I look up and see Nancy walking in from the hallway. “Oh, I didn’t know you were in here.”

“If you’re looking for my brother, he’s not in here,” I say sharply, before returning to my magazine.

“I know, he’s in his room with Edmund and Lucy, I thought they could use time to catch up,” She tells me as she nervously sits in a chair and starts to read her book. I wish she'd go bother someone else.   

Then again, there's nobody here to stop you from getting rid of her. You can show the 'High King' that we are not to be messed with and get your old 'friend' to understand what happens when someone tries to stand in our way" Jadis whispers.

I look over at Nancy. Yes it would be nice to get her to go away, I reply with a cold smile.

"So, Nancy, are you ever going to tell me just how you charmed my brother or not?" I ask, trying to sound friendly; after all we were friends once.

 Nancy looked up, she seemed a little confused over the question. "Well, a couple of months ago, we ran into each other at the library. We recognized each other and ended up talking for hours at a small coffee shop". She tells me all this very quickly, seeming very anxious to return to her book as she buries her head in it as soon as she's done talking. She was never much of a conversationalist unless you count school assignments.

"Sounds romantic," I lie. I really think it sounds rather dull, not that I expected it to be anything interesting. "You and Peter do make a lovely pair, it would be a shame if one was keeping secrets from the other, but you know Peter can't be expected to tell you everything" I say softly, trying to get her angry at the so called 'mighty High King' as Jadis refers to him.

Nancy looks at me again and sighs. Surely she'll ask what secret Peter's hiding, I think to myself as my plan unfolds. "Well, I'm sure that if Peter's hiding anything, he has good reason to, and he'll tell me when he's ready," she says firmly.

But don't you think it's rather rude for him not to tell you everything? You know that lovers shouldn't keep secrets from each other,"

"No, they shouldn't," she replied, not taking her eyes from her book. I guess she knows I'm trying to get rid of her. I forgot about how smart she is.

 _"Or maybe you're just not convincing her in the right way. Besides you, no human has the intelligence to know when they're being fooled; however, you can't always fool them in the same way and although some may seem tough, there's always a way to break them."_  Jadis says,

Alright, but how do I know how to break Nancy?" I ask through my thoughts.

 _"First you need to find out what she sees in the 'little king', and then you need to use that knowledge and tell her that he only presented himself in that way in order to use her for his own gain. She'll then see him as the fool he is and leave angrily"_ , Jadis tells me her plan and for some reason, I almost didn't want to carry it out, but that's the part of me that's weak and was fooled by the lion's game and not the person that I am now.

"So Nancy, what was it about my brother that caught your fancy?" I ask her, standing up from my seat, as I put the Queen's plan into motion.

"There are many things I fancy about him", she tells me calmly before adding, "Why do you ask?"

"Maybe I just want to know what you see in my older brother, we were school mates once, we used to talk about these kinds of things all the time, I say. Surely, that last statement will help me gain her trust.

Yes," she says softly. "But you made it clear that you're not my friend anymore, so why should it matter to you, what my feelings are for Peter". Standing, she adds, "Besides it's clear that you don't want me here!"

"I never said I didn't want you here, and honestly, I could care less about your relationship with my brother. I was only trying to make conversation, but you're just as bad as my siblings when it comes to making friendly conversation," I argue, the fight they'd started at lunch, foremost in my mind.              

"Well you don't make it easy Susan; all you were doing throughout the meal was tormenting Peter and belittling your family's beliefs", she tells me.

"I wasn't trying to belittle their silly beliefs, I was only tired of hearing about the worthless holiday. It's not my fault they can't see the difference between fantasy and reality," I say calmly, trying to get her to see my point.

"What happened to you Susan? You used to care deeply for your family. Why are trying to push them away?" Listening to the concern in her voice, I turn away and hesitate to answer. Of course I couldn't tell her the truth, but the thought of how close we used to be makes my heart ache and deep down I wished those days had never ended.

“Except now you know their ‘love’ for you was a lie, and they only wanted you under their control, just like the Lion,” I feel tears forming in my eyes, but I close my eyes and take a deep breath keeping them from falling.

 "I'm not trying to push them away. And really, they don't care about me at all; they've only tried to keep me from becoming who I really am, which is who I am now and they've shown how much they loathe me for it", I say firmly, before turning back to her and see the confusion in her eyes.

“That’s not true Susan, you don’t how lucky you are to have such a wonderful family, who love you and wouldn’t think twice to show that love, ...but if you keep pushing them away, you'll lose them forever."

 Lose them forever, I shiver as that thought runs through my mind. It's almost unbearable, but it's not something I need to concern myself with, after all, they're not that important. she's just as delusional as my siblings, why do I put up with these people?

"You don't, they've obviously blinded her into believing their lies and are using her; we must find a new way of getting rid of her although, you could just tell her..."

That'll she'll never be a part of my family, I tell the Queen with a chilling smile as I feel my skin get colder. "You know Nancy, I know how much you adore this family but it's not as glamorous as you might think and no matter how hard you try, you'll never be a part of it", I say coldly.

Nancy stayed silent while still staring at me, tears in her eyes. "Maybe not," she answered, holding her tears back. "But you always will and you better hope it never goes away", with that Nancy got up and walked out the door.

 _Finally, I thought she’d never leave_.  I smile and walk back to my seat.

 _"I must say Susan, you really are learning. I should've met you in the woods instead of your terrorist brother,"_  Jadis tells me, which I guess is a good thing, though I'm not exactly sure what she means, when did she meet Peter in the woods? Oh well, it doesn't matter; the important thing is that I'm getting closer to gaining the life of a Queen; no one can stop me.

I sit down and reach for my magazine, but when I glance at my arm I see it getting paler; standing I walk over to the mirror to see that my face is just as pale. I'm almost as white as a salt.  _What's going on?_ I wonder as I shiver.


	16. Chapter 16

**May 21, 1946**

“Miss. Pevensie, he’s ready to you see?” I hear a woman say I get up from my set with my portfolio and walk down to my interview to be the sectary to Lord Chesterfield and get myself a higher position in this society and keep my family from suspecting anything. Unfortunately, my parents were starting to wonder where I was getting money to buy all my lovely outfits and if they find out the truth they may not want me living under the same roof.

Not that I really want to live them, but I can’t afford my own place and I don’t want to get a Flat with any of my friends and they might find out about Jadis. It could make me lose my place in their society and wren everything Jadis and I work for, definably can’t have that. So, it’s best to get this sectorial job to avoid all of that, and get closer to have the locutories of a Queen.

I walk into Mr. Niles Chesterfield’s office, to a see the man coming, and I must say, he’s quite handsome, he smooth brown hair, and dreamy blue eyes, not to mention he’s a lord, so he deftly has a lot of wealth.  

 _“Remember Susan this job is your chance on move up in this world, you need to make yourself as desirable as possible, and then he won’t be able to resist,”_ Jadis say, of course she doesn’t tell me twice,

 _I think I’m going to enjoy getting to know Mr. Chesterfield_ I reply while give a masseuse smile as he stands in front of me.   

“Hello, you must be must be here for the sectary job, “He says                     

 “Yes, I’m Susan Pevenise” I say softly, while shaking his hand. Which feel nice and cold, but then again, a lot of things I touch feel that way.

He smiles at me, letting his eyes wonder, I can tell he’s charmed by my beauty. Of course, I spend three hours making myself attractive “well it a pluses to meet you, please have taken a set,” he gestor to an open chair, in front of his desk. I sit down cross one over the other.

“So, Miss. Pevenise, have you ever done any sectorial job or any other expiries“ He ask after sitting behind his desk.

“Well I use to work for a small componentry and I’d help them with writing letter and organizing files, for Three years though I was let go because they went bankrupted and couldn’t afforced to keep on board, “ I lie, I only worked there for six month and I was let go because I caught stealing money, I would have been trough in jail if I didn’t give the money back,  but I need him to trust me, if work this job. “Also, my father fought during the war, I helped my Mum a lot in those day and when my brothers, sister, and I were sent to the country, there I preictally had to rise my siblings,” I add, true that was a little painful to say, but I need to show a little bit of my softer side, men like that.  

“You must be from somewhere in London,” He says, 

“Yes I’m from Finchley, I was about 15 during the air raids,” I lie before telling him more about myself, will as lest as much that well show my qualifications and get him like me, maybe I can get more than just a job.

Soon he has me write up a letter for him and has organize, true this is a rather trivial tasks, but I need the money to keep up with sociality, plus this job will giving me a higher standing, and a step close to having the life of a queen. Once I’m done I hand my work and I can like it, though he at me more than the paper work.               

“Well Miss. Pevenise I think your just what we need around here,” He smiles, “I’ll see you Monday morning at eight, but before you go, I have say you’re a very lovely young woman” He’s add look me over, I find myself blushing at his word. Then I notice that a gold band on his left ring finger, which makes anger, but I smile back.

“Thank you, I look forward to being here” I say in an icy grin, yet calming voice.

I take a cab home, still annoyed about the gold band, on his finger and partly wounding who it attained him to. _Probably some chap winch who doesn’t even know a thing about true beauty._ I tell myself stare out the cab window.

_“That ‘ring’ on hand is only a small optical, that can be easily taken care of, the woman he’s attained to wasn’t with him in that room, and won’t be there during work hours,”_

_Maybe, but what if when I have him, and I get caught, Lord Chesterfield has a high standing in the England society, it could warren my repartition and everything we worked for._ I tell her, afraid of losing my glamorous life.  

_“There are ways of avoiding that, you can’t let mere commoner stand in your way if you want life of a Queen again,“_ I listen to her words as I walk toward my family front door, trying not to think about that ring or my new boss, at least I don’t have worry about my parents finding out about my money problems. Beside I have a date tonight and I need to get ready. 

I unlock the front door, and make my way to my room upstairs, my parents are visiting Lucy for her Birthday, they want me to go with them, but last thing I want is to celebrate day devoted to their favorite daughter. I think to myself and feel myself grow angry, while walk into to my room. I don’t know why everyone likes Lucy, it’s not like she anything special and she is rather plan comparted to me, not to mention childish and supposable she right about everything, which is her annoying way of being center of attention and everyone thinks she sweet and friendly. Although, she nothing but a spoiled brat.

_“Your sister is another optical, and you know there are ways taking care of optical,”_

_Through she is my sister_ , _I guess that’s something_ I tell her I rub some oil on arms, I don’t want my date to see my extremely pale skin.              

 _“If you every want to regain the life of a queen, you must realize that everyone else is nothing compared to the people like us and should not be treated as though they were our equal, “_ She tells me,

_I know and I don’t plan on treating Lucy or anyone else as our equal, but she is my she sister and I don’t think she will do us any harm_

_“Not yet, but even those who are harmless may end up bring one who take you down, even ones who pretend to be close to you would stop at nothing to wren everything”_ She says, but before I can replay, someone starts bunking on the front door. _Who could that be?_ I wonder as I leave my room. _It better not be my date, I haven’t pick out an outfit yet_.

I open the door to see Cindy standing on our front porch looking very angry. “Hello Cindy, I would let you come in for a visit, but I have to get ready for my date.” I tell her half wondering why she here.   

“Of course, Pevensie, I wouldn’t want to warn your big night,” She say sarcastically at me, walking into my living room with an angry expression. I can tell that this isn’t just a friendly visit.    

“Well Cindy I would stay and chat, but he’ll be about in about an hour, so if you have something to say, I suggest you come out with,” I tell in bit of a harsh tone. I don’t really have time for this. 

“Don’t worry Pevensie, I wouldn’t stay near traitor’s for too long,” She sharply with her arms folded. _Traitor? Who is she calling traitor, after all I haven’t done anything that she hasn’t done to me._

 _“Remember what I said, ever those who are harmless, will try to find a way to stop us,”_ Jadis tell me as I look at the girl in front trying to keep a cold expression on my face.

“I must say I don’t have slightest idea what you mean be traitors?”

“You know exactly what you did or been doing for the last two months, and if think I’m just stand back and let you keep take my men for yourself, then your dumber than the school masters said,” She snaps, I almost smile as I suddenly remember kissing Robert at party a few months back, as a matter of fact he the one I’m going out with tonight. _I guess she finally found out._ I tell the Queen.

 _“Then it is time to show her what happens to those who stand in are way, I’m sure you remember that she is the one who tried to take one of the other rich fools away right in front you,”_ Jadis reminds me and feel growing angry at the memory and I know that I am not the traitor here.  

“Yes, well I may have been with a few men at the same time you were with them. However, those men all decide on their only that I was better choice and only stayed with you at the same time, so you would feel bad about yourself. So, you see it’s not my fault and I would hardly call it a betray,” I say calmly while walk slowly across the room and watching the anger in her face.

“You really think, all those men would just be curling to you all by them self. You don’t think I know how you miniplate men to get to fawn you, so you can get them to do what you want. It seems rather silly that you have lie your way in to society,” She tell. I feel my heart racing with fear at last part. I almost don’t know what to say. _we can’t have her knowing the truth._

_“No, but I’m sure you know how to keep her from finding out.”_

  _Yes._ I tell her before turning my attention to Cindy “Cindy, I assure you I haven’t lied my way into anything,” I say calmly,

“I know your game Pevensie, I know why you only date rich men, and how you always have a new peace jewel one week, then suddenly its gone the next. While at the same time you magically have eunuch pounds to buy the latest fashion and both know you’re not getting it from your family,” I listen fearfully realizing it was too late keep the truth hidden. _How did she find out, I thought I was being as careful as possible?_          

 _“Didn’t tell you this would happen, that even the weak will try to destroy us. However, no matter what they try their still weak and can easily be dealt with by any means nearly,”_ She say as Cindy keep trying me what she knows and disparity thinking of a way to stop her, after all I can’t let her take this life away.

“You think just because you had a chance to go to America, it means your suddenly you can act like you’re the most popular, almost like you were the Queen of England. When the truth is that if it wasn’t for me you’d still be a nobody.” Cindy continues.    

_It doesn’t even matter if she help me gain this life, it not like done that much at to and she has the nerve to think she can take it away, how do I stop her?_

_“You show her how powerless she is, no matter what she thinks, she can’t stop us”_ Jadis says and I hid me fear and let it turn to anger at Cindy words.

“As matter of fact that what you are, a nobody, that’s what you always were and that is what you’ll always be. A nobody who might as well be work the street if you want to keep up with society so badly.” She laughs and adds “you know the street is more suitable place for you because their no way your ever fit back into the society once I tell everyone who you really are. Working the streets is only way your ever find belonging,” She said. _She can’t do that, we can’t let her!_

_“don’t show her your fear, you don’t her to know that your weak. She should be the one fear us”_

_I’m not weak!_

_“Then you would have no trouble stopping her,”_ Jadis say, and I know she right, and I’m not weak.                       

“You know Cindy I would never want to take your side business away from you,” she froze and looks at me with anger “But, I must say how lovely hair style it today, it would be a shame if it were ruined,” I said then hearing her scream in pain as I pull it.

“You really think you can just tell everyone about me, that I would just let you. you should know that I can do fur worse to you in matter of seconds. I have many things I can say that many would make everyone else know you for the liar you are and see that you’re the one who doesn’t fit in, and the best part is that they’ll believe me because in their eyes I never done anything to make me look untrustworthy. Though you’ve been known to have a habit of stringing the truth for our gain,” I say and pull her hair harder before I finish talk. “I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to do something that emotional or even physical hurt” a moment later I throw to the flood.

“Your mad Pevensie,” She cries before getting up. I just give her a cold smile.

“No, once you tell everyone your lies, you’re the one will be mad,” I say, as she gets up and runs out the door. _Well I’m sure that teach her not to mess with us, and that I’m afraid to do what I must, in order keep anyone from trying to keep it away._ I tell the Queen while trying to ignore the fear I felt after that last statement I told Cindy.

_“You may have and if you keep proving yourself, your soon regain the life of a queen. along as you keep doing as I say,”_

_Of course,_ I tell her I turn to go back to my room, but I notices a picture on the small table, It ones of me and my Siblings. Which is making a tear fall down my face, so I quickly put it face down? Then go up to finish getting ready.  


	17. Chapter 17

**January 16, 1948**

"Did you see what Margret was wearing? "

"Oh, yes it's a wonder she even left her house in that outfit," I hear Jean and Samantha talking each other, as were on a train home from a party in Cambridge, which was rather dull, and date wasn't much better. However, it was the party of the year and I simply couldn't miss it.

Luckily Lord Chesterfield let me have some time off. I smile thinking about him, he was such a charming man and I almost asked me to come to this party with me I couldn't as he is married and has a high position in society; I couldn't risk that kind of scandal. Though I have been trying to pursue him in secret and while he has flirted with me a few times, I'm guessing he didn't want to chance it either. But, I'm sure he can only resist for so long and that it was only a matter of time until he breaks and gives in.

"At least it's not as bad as what Cindy did at Beth's party two years ago". Jean says causing me to draw my attention to their conversation.

"Oh yes, I still can't believe she lied to us about where she was getting the money from," Samantha replied.

"I know! Who would've thought she was selling herself like that, just to keep up with the latest trends, it's absolutely barbaric," Jean said. I almost smile, thinking about how I announced she was working the street to everyone. It might not have been the best way to deal with her, that was true, but she'd been about to announce my secrets to the world and call me a nobody.

"Some people will do anything to try and be a part of society when they're really nothing but commoners and there's no place for them", I answer. Though honestly, there are times when I wonder if I should have been as harsh as I was when it came to Cindy.

 _"The wench deserved every minute of what happened; after all she was going to ruin everything and if you ever want to be treated like a queen you won't let that stand in your way"._  Jadis tells me and I disregard the sickening feeling or try to anyway.

"Oh, of course we should be more careful of who we let into our social circles; we should be thanking you Susan for exposing her," Samantha reassures me.

"And to think Cindy would accuse you of being a cheat and lying your way into society," Jean added as my stomach settled.

"Well, Cindy's always been one to exacerbate the truth," I tell her. I smile as I think about what Jadis said and I know she's right.

 _I did society a favor in getting rid of her and I'll do the same to anyone else who causes me problems_ , I think to myself as the train pulls into the station. As the train starts to slow down and come to a stop it emits a loud screeching sound causing the car to shake.

"What was that?" Samantha asks, getting up from her seat.

"It think it came from this old train, I'm sure many of the cars have bad brakes," Jean states after standing up.

"They should really have someone fix them, you never know when something drastic might happen," Samantha replies in a rather dramatic sounding tone of voice.

"Well there's no point dwelling on something that didn't happen," I tell them after grabbing my suitcases. "Both of you should be more focused on what to wear to Elizabeth's party tomorrow night; you wouldn't want to look like fools," I add, knowing that there are more important things in life than brakes on a train.

I leave the station and take a cab home, and I must say I'm not sure how I feel about facing my family I never have a pleasant day around them. They're always bothering me with religious ideas and they get on my case for going to so many parties and wearing too much make-up. Even worse, my siblings always go on and on about the Lion's Game as though it were something to celebrate; they even want to get me believing that we used to...urgh I don't even want to think about it.

 _"You know Susan, you don't have to put up with their foolish beliefs; you are wealthy enough to leave their household. Once you do that you'll never have to hear about their silly game and get even closer to having the life of a queen,"_  Jadis says softly.

 _I can't leave just yet though, I still need money for other things. I have some money saved up to buy a flat but it's not enough,_  I reply as the cab reaches my street.

_"The longer you stay in their house, the longer you have to listen to their lies of that other world."_

_I know, and I'll do what I can to leave this place as soon as I can,_  I tell her

Before entering my family home, it seemed quite quiet. It seems empty, I think to myself, which is strange since it is past five o'clock; usually both mother and father are home by now. Both Peter and Edmund are on holiday from the university, I think they go to the same one, and Lucy's still at school, I think?

"Ow" I hear one of my brothers say after what sounds like something crashing in the kitchen. I quickly make my way into the kitchen to find Edmund cleaning glass up from the floor. "Hi Susan, when did you get back?" he asks while throwing out the broken glass.

"Just now, where everyone else?" I ask

"They're out" he says pertly before pouring himself a new glass of tea.

"I noticed," I say, rolling my eyes at his obvious response. Not that it's any surprise that Edmund and I don't speak to each other, though I do vaguely remember that we used to be close; now any time I come near him he seems rather uncomfortable and lately has been making up any excuse to get away from me. It's like he can't stand being near me,.

 _"You know how your brothers and sister rejected for leaving the lion's game; the traitor obviously despises you for it."_  Jadis tells me and I feel my heart sink inside my chest. I don't like to think of my family rejecting me and it hurts even more to think that my little brother hates me. I know it's annoying that they keep going on about that game but sometimes I wonder if I could just play along and become close to them again.

_"Do you really want to go back to living their lies and become a pawn to them and their child's game? Don't you remember how they treated you before I came into your life?"_

_Yes, but-_

"How was your trip?" Edmund interrupts my conversation with Jadis.

"It was absolutely wonderful; of course I knew it would be, it was the party of the year after all." I lie to him, not wanting him to know about just how miserable a time I had in Cambridge. I didn't want him to think I wasn't enjoying my glorious life. "I'm glad to have gone, everyone was there was just charming, well, anyone important really. I had a lot of people to talk to at Elizabeth's party," I add, while pouring myself a cup of tea.

"You sure have changed a lot, in the last few years," he states.

"Of course, I have, everyone changes as they mature Edmund, it's perfectly natural," I tell him, why he of all people, should know this.

"I know; it's just been a while since we sat down and talked. We used to do that all the time," he said, confusing me a little.  _Why is he so interested in having a conversation and talking to me?_

 _"Careful when speaking with the traitor, he has a way of making you think he's on your side. He will try any means possible to convince you to go back to that game,"_ Jadis warns me. Of course, I won't let that happen; though I don't remember what my life was like during that game, I do remember what it did.

 _Don't worry, I'm not going to fall for any of his tricks,_  I assure her before turning my attention back to my little brother.

"Well, it's not like you've been very chatty lately," I say harshly.

"You haven't been around to talk to. When you're not working, you're out with friends". He states, annoying me even more; I'd forgotten he had a way of turning someone's words against them.

"Well I'm Lord Chesterfield's personal secretary, which is a great accomplishment in and of itself. I also have many friends who throw the most delightful parties and they expect me to attend them all. On top of that, I also have many handsome gentleman lined up to take out I'm too busy to stay home". I argue.

"Yet you somehow find the time to spend three hours to paint your face," he says, making it sound as though I turn myself into a clown.  _Why is he interrogating me this way?_

 _"The traitor is only trying to make you feel guilty, to make you want to go back to being a prisoner of that fantasy world, I'm sure I don't have to remind you of their other attempts,"_  Jadis says, making me grow cold with anger thinking about it,

What I do with my time is none of your censure," I say coldly, no matter what they try, I'm going to back to being a mindless puppet.

"No, I'm just pointing out that you have more time than you think and that we really miss you around here," he lies, or at least I think it's a lie from everything Jadis has said about him, though I see nothing but truth and sadness in his eyes.  _His eyes look nothing like what you'd expect a liar's eyes to look like._

 _"Eyes can be deceiving and traitors have ways of hiding their true emotions in order to gain people's trust,"_  Jadis reminds me. I can't shake the feeling that he's telling the truth though,

 _How do I know he's deceiving me, if his eyes seem so truthful?_ I ask her.

 _"If he wasn't lying then he wouldn't have spent months avoiding you, like he couldn't stand being near you. His eyes may look truthful but his actions tell another story,"_  the queen replies, cause my heart to ache yet again, I know Jadis is right about my little brother, even now he still seems a little uncomfortable.

"If you miss having me around, then how come this is the first times in weeks, you haven't found an excuse to get away from me, as though you hated being near me?" I ask firmly, causing Edmund to look down at his drink, remaining silent, proving that what Jadis had said was true; I don't know why I thought any different.

"I could never despise you Susan, you're my older sister and my Queen whom I- "

"I am not a Queen!" I stand interrupting him and forgetting to hide the pain in my voice, "I wish you, Peter and Lucy would stop pretending it actually happened. It was just a game we played; there are no other worlds and no such things as fauns, centaurs or talking animals, and we are not royalty! It's nothing more than a lie!" I yell as a few cold tears fall slowly down. I'm usually pretty good at holding back my tears, but that place has caused me pain. True thanks to Jadis' help, I don't remember more of what happened there, but I do know that it used to be a wonderful place.

Edmund and I stare at each other, he can probably see the tear that escapes my eye. I soon turn away from him and sit down, closing my eyes to keep any more from falling. I feel Edmund's hand grab mine. I continue to hold my tears in check, unwilling to look my little brother in the eye.

"I know it hurts," he says and I find myself turning towards him and looking right at him. "I know you think it's easier to forget, because then there's no reason for there to be any pain at all," he adds knowing that I can't help but listen. "And I know living in this world is nothing compared to living in a castle by a sparkling blue sea". I swallow my sorrow thinking about that castle, I almost wish I could remember its name.

 _"Remember, everything the traitor is telling you is a lie"._ she warns me, but I don't think he's lying.

"But I also know that forgetting isn't making the pain go away Susan, and those parties and suitors can't replace the times we had in Narnia," He tells me firmly, and I feel my heart long to hear more, aching for more. There aren't as many thrills in the parties I've been to recently and no matter how many men I've been out with, there's still a part of me that feels completely alone. Is my glamorous life really worth going through this pain?

 _"You're falling for the traitor's trap! Haven't you been listening to what I've been telling you?"_ Jadis yells, breaking into my thoughts. Though my heart is still longing for more and I continue to listen to Edmund.

"This world may seem harsh, especially after the war, and in the coming years it'll probably get worse with seemingly no hope. But, even Narnia had wars and times of war. It is the same as our world; nothing is perfect," he says and I can hear the sincerity in my little brother's voice, maybe we were wrong about them, maybe...

 _"I am never wrong, your foolish little brother is only a common peasant whose been a thorn in my side since he stepped into that wood, you should be smart enough to know that he can't be trusted"._ Jadis rants to me as Edmund goes on comparing the two worlds while I listen to both with half an ear each. I know Jadis might be right in saying Edmund can't be trusted, yet he seems truthful; it's all too much, it's making my head ache.

"But Narnia isn't the only world with a saviour and Aslan knows the hurt in this world as well and he's already..." I feel a shiver go down my spine at the might in that name and my heart is screaming with fear.

 _"I told you that the traitor is nothing but a pawn in the lion's game. This proves that he only cares about getting back to being a pawn to that Lion that took everything away and left you to suffer in this world,"_ I feel my fear turning to anger at Jadis' words until I explode.

"That's enough!" I yell, causing my teacup to fall and smash to the ground. "I don't want to hear that name anymore!" Edmund just stares at me in confusion. "He's done nothing for me except show me a wonderful place where I could be Queen and then take it away, leaving me here, because I'm not needed there".

"That's not the reason, Su; Aslan didn't tell us that we couldn't go back because he wanted us to suffer, he did it so that we could know him in this world!" he argues, but I'm not falling for it.

"I don't want to hear it!" I yell coldly. "And it's not like I'm really suffering. I have a well-paying job with a fine-looking boss; I'm becoming a well-known figure in society, which gets me invited to all of the best parties. Not to mention I'm probably one of the most beautiful women in London; I have the kind of life people would die for, and I don't need some make believe lion from a game we used to play as children," I tell him firmly, a bit of mockery in my voice.

"No," he answers. I glance back at him to see that his face is filled with both anger and hurt. "You don't enjoy this life; you're just too wrapped up in your own fantasy to admit how much you miss being there!"

"Or I just know that things in this world won't be taken away from me!" I snap as I feel myself getting colder; though I didn't think I could get any colder than I already was. I'm growing tired of listening to his lies, there's nothing but...

"Nothing lasts forever Susan and the more you hide the truth from yourself, the colder and more hurt you'll get. If you're not careful you could become..." he stops as his face pales and his expression turns to one of horror.

"Become like who, Edmund?" I ask in an icy tone of voice. It almost didn't sound like my voice to my ears.

"someone who fill with nothing but hate," He says, before we both stare at each other in silence and anger. With The broken teacup is still on the floor; I have no intention of cleaning it up. After all, doing so, is something that will not make me look like royalty.

Soon, I hear the front door open, followed by the sound of laughter I quickly identify as Peter, Lucy and Nancy.

"Let's just say it wasn't my finest moment as King."

"But it was one of the funniest; there was also that one feast where you drank too much wine,"

"I think we've told Nancy enough embarrassing stories for one day, Lu,"

"Oh, I don't think it'd hurt to hear one more," Nancy says as they enter the kitchen where Edmund and I are remaining silent.

"Hey Ed, did you," Peter stops, noticing for the first time that I'm in the room. "Hey Su, I didn't know you were coming home today?" he asks. I decide to turn my attention to my older brother, since I have nothing more to say to my younger one.

"I've been here for almost an hour," I say, trying to hide my anger; the last thing I need is for Peter to try and get me back into their fantasy games.

"did you have a nice trip?" Lucy asks after a small awkward silence.

"It was just as delightful as all the other parties I've been to. I couldn't ask for anything more." I say trying to sound as though there was nothing amiss in regard to my relationship with my siblings.

"Of course it is," I hear Edmund mumble sarcastically behind me although I still manage to hide my anger. If I hadn't managed to the other three would see that something was up and ask about it, though I don't care to discuss it.

"What happened there," Peter asks pointing to the broken tea cup. I look at the shattered pieces of glass for an instant and I feel a sharp pain in my heart as I think about what the lie of a child's game had taken away from me.

"It's nothing, now I should be going, I told Jean I'd help her pick out an outfit to wear tomorrow," I tell them, finding an excuse to leave the room, and even better, the house.

I go out the back door and stand hidden behind the old bomb shelter. True it was still considered part of my family's yard but I don't think anyone would come out looking for me. Digging into my purse, I pull out a cigarette and start smoking in order to calm my nerves. I decide stay back here for a while and not think about the dull parties, or my controlling siblings, or aching heart _. I wish I could stop feeling this way all the time._

 _"You can, all you have to do is leave this place; after all your family is the reason for your weakness and is the only thing standing in our way,"_ Jadis whispers.

 _Yes then I can finally have the life of a queen,_  I tell her, not forgetting why I so enjoy going to those parties and being with loved ones.

 _"You will; I'll make sure of it"._  She and I both know that soon I'll be more glorious than I ever was before and nothing will be taken away from me.


	18. Chapter 18

**December 17, 1948**

I am typing a letter for Mr. Chesterfield before it is time for me to leave; not that I am anxious to go back to my family's home. Of course, I haven't really talked to any of them all that much since Edmund tried to get me to play that game five months ago. Which I'm glad about; the last thing I need is to have them nagging me about every little thing. And so, I'm taking my time with this letter.

I watch from the corner of my eye as Mr. Chesterfield walks into my office, causing me to smile. My family isn't the only reason I'm taking my time.

"Oh, Susan, I thought you'd left." I get up from my seat as I take the letter out of the typewriter.

"I thought I'd go ahead and type that letter you needed," I tell him as he walks closer. "And I told your supervisors you wouldn't be able to meet with them until the 28th," I added as he slipped off his wedding ring.

"What would I ever do without you?" he asks softly. Watching him as he rubs my shoulder I can tell how much he enjoys watching me.

"You'd be utterly lost in your paperwork; you wouldn't know what to do with it all," I reply, causing him to smile at me. Stealing kisses from him these last four months has reminded me just how much I'm enjoying my life now.

"And I wouldn't have the pleasure of your beauty to look forward to," He says before putting his lips against mine, forgetting all about the other reason as to why I was taking my time leaving.

  
"I'd love to stay here longer but I told Charlotte I'd come home early for our son's birthday." I cringe at the mention of his wife and son whom I despise, they make me angry and I wish we could go on pretending they don't exist.

"Of course, I wouldn't want you to disappoint them," I say calmly, after stealing another kiss. Then I say my goodbyes and go home to endure my family and the childish holiday they'll try to get me to celebrate with them. Not that I really want to think about that, they're just people who I happen to live with until January, when I move into my own flat. It doesn't matter though, all I have to do is ignore them and keep myself busy with regaining the life of a queen; already I can feel myself getting closer to my goal.

"...Then Puddleglum stamped out the fire with his bare foot and that freed us from the lady of the Green Kirtle enchantment," I hear my cousin's friend say from the living room as I walk in through the back door.

"What happened next?" I hear Nancy ask.

"Well he gave her this whole speech about how he would live like a Narnian even if there was no Narnia, because it was better than the world she was talking about..." Eustace continued the story. _What are they doing here?_

 _"There's only one reason the lion's pawns would be here and I'm sure they'll never stop trying to bring you back into their game"_ Jadis says as I walk into the room, seeing them all sitting together with Lucy.

"I must say, its wonderful you remember those funny games we played as children" I say in a mocking tone, watching their facial expressions.  _That should show them that they're not going to win me back._

"Well it's certainly better than pretending like we've never been there at all," Eustace's friend remarked.

 "I'm not the one pretending. I'm just mature enough to know when to stop playing foolish games". I tell her, seriously they should know how much that game sickens me.

"Oh Su, let them share their adventures, they're not hurting anyone," Nancy says cheerfully. I'm about to tell her that she shouldn't buy into the Lion's game when I hear something beeping.

"The second batch of cookies must be done," Lucy said, getting to her feet. "Come on Jill, the first batch should have cooled down by now". I watch as the two girls run into the kitchen.

"Eustace, we should finish decorating; we don't want Helen and David to think we were just sitting around all day" Nancy speaks up.  _Helen and David, why did she use those names?_  I wonder to myself as Nancy moves to a box of decorations.

"Weren't Peter and Edmund supposed to be helping us with this?" he asks, adding to the confusion of what they're doing here in the first place.

"Yes, but they went out with your uncle to pick out a Christmas tree; they'll be back soon. In the meantime, we can still hang garland around the room and oh, Susan could you go into the old bomb shelter? Helen said that there are extra lights and that they'd go nicely with the green garland." She tells me as if she had any authority to tell me what to do.

"What's going on, why are you hanging garland around my house?" I demand.  _She's mad if she thinks she can order me around, after all she doesn't even live here._

 _"There are ways of putting her in her place. I'm sure you remember what it was like when she tried to get you back to believing your family's lies,"_ Jadis tells me and while I feel my heart aching, it also makes me angry to think about it. At least I've gotten better at ignoring the painful feeling it gives me.

"We're decorating for the Christmas party tonight," She answers me.

"The What!?"

"You know, the party we've been planning for the last two weeks," she tells me while hanging greens with my cousin.  _A party? Do they really think they know the first thing about throwing a party, they can barely even decorate for one._

 _"The fools are just trying to make themselves look as though they are as important as us, it's just another of their plans to get you back under their control,"_  Jadis whispers as I watch Nancy rummaging through a box as Eustace finishes up the hanging.

 _They're absolutely mad if they think this will bring me back,_ I tell Jadis before turning back towards Nancy, _I might as well find out what they're planning._

"Who are you expecting at this, event." I refuse to call it a party.

"Well, your family, Eustace and Jill of course, with Aunt Alberta and Uncle Harold, plus Professor Kirke, Aunt Polly and a friend of Lucy's. One of Peter's friend should be coming by as well and oh, do you remember our old roommate Bonnie? She said she'd try to stop by as well", she tells me. _It sounds as though everyone who's against us and more will be here; they must really be desperate._

 _"I've told you many times that our enemies would stop at nothing to take us down and that you had better make sure they don't succeed or you'll end up being as worthless as they are now. I might as well leave if you're not strong enough to deal with mere peasants,"_  Jadis says.

 _I've become accustomed to avoiding their pathetic attempts to get back at me, and I will stop at nothing to prove that I am stronger than them._  I reply in anger.

_"Then you'll have no trouble taking care of their event."_

_Of course._  I tell her before looking over at Nancy and examining her outfit; a brown turtleneck sweater and a plaid skirt. It was dull and something I would certainly never be caught dead wearing. "Nancy, surely you're not planning on wearing that." I instantly grab her attention.

"No, I have a dress in Lucy's room; we were going to get ready once we're done decorating," she answers me calmly while picking up another box of decorations. A moment later she stops and looks at me. "You know, you can join me if you'd like, I'm sure you wouldn't want to go to a party with an ink spot on your curler; unless it's a new fashion statement?" She smirks before going back to her decorating.  _That little wench, who does she think she is to say those things to me? She doesn't know anything about fashion._

 _"These peasants are not as easily bought as the ones who are part of those social circles. She has shown herself to be as difficult as your family; don't let her think she can get away with making you look like a fool"_  Jadis tells me.

 _I don't plan to_. Suddenly I hear the door open, my father and brothers walking into the room with a tree, all laughing. Nancy walks towards them.

"It looks great!" Nancy says looking at the tree.

"Thanks. We went all over town to find it, Dad wanted to find the biggest one". Peter tells her cheerfully.

"Well, I thought we could do something special to go along with the party," Dad adds. Soon enough Lucy and the other girl join in happily, as if they didn't have a care in the world. I find myself growing sick at the sight of them. I almost want to leave the house but then again I could never refuse an invitation. Turning around, I go up to my room, seemingly unnoticed by the others as I leave.

Later I'm in my room putting blush on my cheeks; I do want to look my best, even if the event I'm going to is one hosted by people who've done nothing but lie to me for many years. It usually bothers me to think about what they've done but now I just want to get over it and show them that I have what it takes to be the queen I'm meant to be.

 _"Of course, you'll have to make sure you don't fall for any of their traps as you almost did the traitor's"._ Jadis reminds me as I leave my room.

 _There's nothing they can do to make me second guess my decisions,_ I tell her.

"Really? That's wonderful!" Hearing Lucy shout excitedly from her bedroom, I decide to walk by it.

"Not so loud Lu! Peter doesn't want everyone to know until later this evening," I hear Nancy admonish Lucy and start wondering what they're talking about.

"Of course, I'm just so happy for you and Peter, it's great news"

 "I know. I told you because I can't keep it to myself much longer".

"Well you know you can tell me anything, we are practically sisters after all," Lucy says before they both break into giggles. I find my cold heart sinking further into my chest at Lucy's words and I take a deep breath in an effort to contain my tears. _I don't know why it hurt me; I don't even like Lucy, she's nothing to me_. I feel the tears start to form in my eyes. _But she isn't Nancy’s sister._

 _"Your family has long rejected you and that impostor has shown that she wants to be a part of your family. This is her way of doing that and they're now using her to get you to fall for another one of their traps, which I'm sure they won't succeed at. You'll make sure of that,"_ Jadis tells me as I feel my heart ache. All I want to do is go to the nearest pub, have a few drinks and forget why I hurt so much. But no, I'm not going to let them get to me.

"Oh, I must've left it downstairs, I'll be right back," I hear Lucy say as I quickly move back to my room, before she catches me eavesdropping. "Susan." I stop and face her, luckily no tears are showing. "I'm glad you're still here, are you going to stay for the Christmas banquet?" she asks.

"A banquet? I thought it was a small gathering for our family," I reply.

"Yes, I guess you could call it that, I only had this idea a couple of weeks ago. I thought it'd be great if we could hold a Christmas banquet like the ones we..."

"Lucy, I'm sure your intentions are sound in wanting to have this event. However, I'll only stay if you don't bother me with that silly game," I state firmly before heading downstairs to greet everyone; after all I'm the one people want to see at any event.

As I enter the family room I see the furniture arranged to make room for the event with all the decorations up. Guests have already started to arrive; I see the professor speaking to Ms. Plummer and my father. From the kitchen, I can hear my aunt asking my mother if she'd prepared any vegetarian dishes. In another corner of the room I spot Edmund, Eustace and his friend looking at a nativity scene. The last thing I want is to know what they're talking about, I think to myself as I turn away. Finally, I notice Peter talking to another young man, who I must say, is quite handsome. I smile and make my way over to them.

"Hey Su, it’s good to see you," Peter greets me. “Derrick this is my other sister Susan, and Su, this is Derrick Pole he’s Jill older brother and he’s in some of the same classes as me at Oxford,” Peter informs me, as I smile at Derrick and say hello and he gives a shy smile. “Are you staying for the party?” Peter asks me.

"I told Lucy I would, as long as she doesn't bother with such childish games. I'm sure you'll do the same," I say calmly, causing Peter to sigh. _Surely this would keep them from trying anything._

"Alright; if that's what it takes to spend some time with my sister. But I can't promise that I won't talk about it with anyone else here," he whispers to me.

"Fair enough," I tell him, before walking away knowing that at least I don't have to work about him continuing to go back to that game.

 _"Even though the 'high king' claims he isn't going to try to talk you back into it, he and the others will still try to break and ruin everything. You have to find a way to disrupt the evening before they end up disrupting our plans,"_  Jadis tells me as I observe the conversation that's happening between Peter and his friend.

 _That's simple to do; there's not much going on right now_ , I answer as I watch Lucy walk into the room, a big smile on her face. She walked over to Peter.

"Hi. Peter. Hi Derrick, we're glad you were able to come." Lucy greets Peter's friend.

"Thank you for inviting Jill and I; we really appreciate it," I overhear his answer before someone knocks on the front door. Watching my father open the door I am dismayed to see him letting in another person, I want nothing more than to forget.

"Suzie," the girl greets me after greeting my father as well as others. Honestly I can't even remember her name, never mind the last time I saw her. The only thing I remember is that her and Nancy used to be my so called friends, back before I met my real friends, and that she used to be just as rude as Nancy. "It's so good to see you again, how have you been?" She asks as though she was still my friend, though she's shown through her actions that she's no friend of mine.

"I couldn't be better. I am currently Lord Chesterfield's personal secretary and I have numerous friends who throw parties a lot more exciting than this one," I answer her question while still looking around the now slightly crowded room.

 "That's so good to hear. I used to do some secretarial work before I joined the Red Cross. It's such rewarding work, just last week we hosted this toy drive for children at an orphanage in London and we.." She goes on telling me when Lucy interrupts, clearing her throat to get everyone's attention.

"Hello everyone! I'm so glad you all could make it and now I'd like to welcome Lady Nancy," Lucy says before I catch a glimpse of Nancy. She's wearing a long blue dress that almost looks like it comes from the middle ages and her hair is styled in two braids piled on the top of her head while the rest flows freely down her back. There's no mistaking how lovely she looks and I can feel myself getting colder as she walks over to my brother.

 "I know how much you miss being there and though I've never been there myself I still want to share it with you." I hear her tell Peter as I watch the others fawning over her.

"Nancy, wherever did you get that dress?" I hear Mother ask.

"I made it, with some help from Lucy and Jill," Nancy answered.

" I love the way it turned out, it's just the dresses we wear there," my cousin's friend tells Nancy, as the others all continue complimenting her.  _So much for them not bothering me with that game_ , I tell Jadis as I move into the hallway to avoid the crowd.

 _“They have more planned than simply trying to pull you back into the game. Just look at the way they're treating the High King's lover, your parents act as though she were one of their own, you know what that ignorant child calls her and it's obvious that they're getting tired of trying to get you back."_ Jadis says and my heart aches as I watch them interact with Nancy. The more I watch the more I see my family acting as though she was already one of them, while I was rejected.

 _You're right, it's foolish to think they're still trying to get me back_ , I replied as I watch Nancy smiling and laughing. I can tell she's enjoying being the center of attention; I listen to the others' compliment her as though she were royal.  _She's a fool if she thinks she can take everything away from me. I should be the one people treat like royalty, not her!_

"Are you alright?" An unfamiliar voice breaks into my thoughts. I turn, seeing Peter's handsome friend standing beside me.  _I guess this event isn't all bad. They'd love it if I did what I do at most parties I go to,_ I think to myself as I smile at him.

"Yes, I'm perfectly fine, though this 'party' is rather dull, there's almost no point in staying," I tell him, thinking he'll see my point. True, nothing about his appearance makes me think he has as much wealth as my family does, maybe even less; he doesn't give off a lustful vibe like other men do still, I can tell he finds me beautiful; he's definitely not like any of the other men I'm interested in but he's the only male here that I can charm and he might be able to help me get my mind off the impostor.

“At least the people here are nice, you can’t say that for other parties,” He states, making me realize that he won't be bought easily.  _I should have known, he's a friend of Peter's after all. I guess we should find another way, or just leave._

 _"If you want to prove you have what it takes to be a true queen then you need to stay and show them you're not the weakling they think you are,"_  Jadis says as I look at Nancy and Ms. Plummer, talking to each other.

"I'll be graduating at the end of this term. After that, once the new school year starts, I hope to start teaching grammar school in London," I hear Nancy say as I start eavesdropping on their conversation.

"That's great to hear Nancy. I'm sure you would do wonderfully teaching at any facility. People can always use good teachers; at least that's what Diggory keeps telling me," Ms. Plummer says, causing Nancy to beam. I just roll my eyes, remembering how much of a kiss-up she is, especially when it came to authority such as Ms. Plummer.  _All just to make herself look like a success when she's nothing compared to me,_ I think to myself as I feel the aching turn into anger towards the girl I used to call my best friend.

 _I have to get rid of her, once and for all_ , I tell myself.

Suddenly Peter grabs everyone's attention as Nancy walks along his left side with Lucy beside her and Edmund on Peter's right; I can feel myself getting even angrier, I don't know why but the way they are standing together isn't right; Nancy shouldn't be the one standing between Peter and Lucy.

"I just want to thank everyone for coming and extend my thanks especially to Lucy and Jill for all their planning as well as to Mum and Dad for letting us use their space to celebrate in. Before we exchange all our gifts, I have one other person to thank." I watch him turn towards Nancy as he takes hold of her hand. "As all of you know, Nancy has done a lot in helping with this party, but in the last few years, she's managed to steal as well as make my heart her own. This last week I proposed and she has accepted."

My heart sinks in shock at Peter's words as the others congratulate them.  _How could he? There are many other girls he could have asked to marry him, and he chose her!_

 _“I told you this event was their way of replacing you with someone who they know despises you as much as everyone else in the room."_  I take a deep breath in an effort to hold my tears back. 

 _"They could never understand you the way I do and they only use you for their selfish gain, just as the Lion did before them."_  My pain only adds to my anger as Jadis speaks. I barely notice Nancy’s friend coming towards me.

"Isn't this great Suzie? Remember how when we were in school you, me and Nancy used be pretend we were sisters? Now you and Nancy really will be sisters!”

 "She will never be my sister!" I snap at her friend, causing the room to go silent, all attention on me. "She can marry Peter all she wants, it won't change the fact that she's nothing but an impostor who thinks she can just sneak into this family just to gain what she doesn't have."

"I am not jealous of you!" Nancy interrupts me. "Why do you insist that I'm just here to get in your way, when you're the one who insists on trying to impress upper class men, rather than actually be with people who get more hurt and broken-hearted even time you go to one of your parties?" she argues, which only increases my anger.

"At least those parties aren't as pathetic as this one and I'm sure it's only going to get worse..."

"Susan, stop before you say something you'll regret for the rest of your life," Edmund is the one who interrupts me this time, but I'm not letting any of them get in my and Jadis' way.  

"I assure you that I won't regret anything but the fact that I ever befriended that impostor," I yell.

"Nancy isn't taking your place Susan, all she ever did was try to be your friend and do what she thought was best for you. When you kept pushing her away she stopped trying, after all there was no need to put in so much effort if you weren't going to meet her halfway". Ms. Plummer tells me as though she knows anything about my goal, she's just another pawn in that worthless game.

"What I'm reaching for is not 'nothing' and it's for sure a lot better than anything I can get here."

"Well, if that's how you feel Susan, then I suggest you leave and peruse what it is you want to achieve so badly!" Father states as he stares at me with disappointment written all over his face, which mirrors the look on many faces; _not that it really matters._

"David, we can't just let her leave like this," Mother pleads, as if she really cared.

"Dad's right Mum; we can't make Susan stay if she doesn't want to." Peter says calmly, if not gravely.

I just stand there for a moment, shocked that I was actually being kicked out of my family home.  _Not that I should be, I know they never really cared about me_ , I think to myself as I whirl around and head towards the front door, slamming it closed as I exit.


	19. Chapter 19

_"As the high magician of the city of Charn, the great wonder of the world, I present to you Queen Jadis, ruler of all of Charn and its wonders." I hear a man say as I stand on a high stone platform in a great hall, made up to look like it was meant for someone with great power, yet it was filled with a red glow from the glass windows, giving it a deadly look upon the stone pillars._

_In front of me stood many strong-looking men and women, all very tall and dressed in rich clothing that boasted of the amount of wealth they possessed. Though it isn't anywhere near as great as the power I have, or I should say Jadis has; this is her memory after all. I watch as they cheer her name and I know that I am meant to be in a place like this._

_As the hall doors swing open, the crowd turns to see a woman standing in the entrance a look of anger on her face. "I wouldn't welcome the queen quite so freely. After all it doesn't truly belong to her." She announces while sweeping into the grand hall._

_"Well I must say it is a pleasure to have my dear little sister at my coronation, even if she is greatly mistaken". I hear Jadis' words coming from my mouth._

_"Nothing you say will stop me from taking the throne and giving our people the freedom they desperately crave." Jadis' sister states with determination in her eyes._

_"The people of Charn will get their freedom as long as they obey my laws; after all their purpose is to obey their Queen. It's time now for you to do the same." I say calmly._

_"Conformity isn't freedom dear sister. Our ancestors believed in ruling mercifully and did what was best for their people, not themselves. A concept which you are unfamiliar with and one which I am willing to go to war over"._

_"Alright well if that's what you want then that's what we'll do; without magic. But be warned dear sister, that if you go against this agreement then all of Charn will know who gets the last word"._

 I wake to the sound of my alarm clock and get up to get ready for another day, not really thinking about the dream I'd just had. At this point I'm used to seeing Jadis' memories, I probably know more of her past than my own although that's probably for the best; I don't really care to remember my past.

 I move to my mirror and start applying foundation to my face, as I usually do at this time of day. I need to look my best at all times if I want to continue being the most beautiful woman in London and I certainly can't do that without putting any makeup on, especially when there's someone who takes delight in my beauty as Lord Chesterfield does. I need to keep him interested in order to be able to influence his decisions in politics which is the closest I can get to a higher position in society.

 _"Of course, the higher we are in society the closer you will get to having the life of a queen, which you've always wanted."_ Jadis' voice echoes through my mind. Once I'm finished putting my makeup on I head towards the kitchen to make myself breakfast before leaving for work.

"True, though I must say that it's rather tiring to have to do all this work for what should already be mine." I replied as I continued my morning routine.

 _“And you will have it again, once you have shown me that you can be a true queen, without any weaknesses."_ I listen to her words and feel myself grow a little annoyed. Haven't I already proven that I am not weak? What else could there possibly be?

I hear knocking on the front door which breaks into my train of thought. It better not be my landlord going on about paying the rent or my late-night visitors. I swear that old man is just as bad as that old housekeeper the professor used to have. I think to myself, though I quickly dismiss the thought since it was of that old life.

I open the front door and find myself surprised to find a young girl who I recognize as my sister standing there. I'm not sure why she's here, after all I don't remember ever telling them where I was living as I really didn't want them to know. "Hello Susan". She greets me nervously.

“Lucy? What are you doing here?” I ask trying not to sound too angry. Though I have every right to be after the way they treated me and they made it quite clear that they didn't want me around anymore. As a result, for the last several months, I'd made sure to keep my distance.

"I just wanted to come see you. It's been a long time since we've last seen each other." She said calmly.

“Yes, though we both know the reason for that,” I say firmly, causing an awkward moment of silence between us. I may not care to think about the past but that doesn't mean I've forgotten how they cast me out.

"Would it be alright if I came in?" She asked breaking the silence.

 “you may stay for breakfast,” I say before letting her walk into my flat. “But, just that. I need to be at work for nine; I don't want to be late," I add.

"Alright". She looks around the small flat and touches a small vase with wilting lilies on my bookshelf. "We missed you at the wedding". She tells me as I set the table. "It was awfully beautiful although we almost lost the rings..." Lucy continues. I start getting annoyed by her presence, I don't want to make her breakfast. I only her in because I didn't want my neighbors to hear me yell at her, they might start thinking I've gone mad.

_"You could make her leave now, we don't really have the time to deal with this ignorant child"._

_She won't be staying long and I plan to only give her one pancake. It shouldn't take her long to eat that_ , I answer.

"Luckily we found them in Peter's dressing room. Apparently, Nancy's little cousin left them there although it took us a half hour to find them. It happened right before the ceremony but even if it caused a slight panic the ceremony ended up being a very joyous occasion." I turn my attention back to Lucy.

 "Well it couldn't have been that joyous; after all weddings are only a ritual to celebrate the imprisonment and control one has over another. Surely there's nothing joyous about that." I tell her sharply, causing her to turn to me with a confused look on her face.

“I wouldn’t call marriage an imprisonment, if anything it should be a partnership of two people who care for each other deeply and they're willing to live life together both in good and bad times. They're also willing to meet the other's needs before their own, Peter and Nancy are lucky to be able to share that kind of bond." She argues as I finish making breakfast.

 "Honestly Lucy, you should know that in a partnership it isn't about putting someone else before yourself. It's more to do with what you can get from the other person and I'm sure Peter's gotten all he wanted and that impostor now has everything she desired".

"It's not like that at all! You know neither one would marry the other for that kind of gain," she replies, causing me to sigh as I grab two plates and start putting pancakes on mine.

"There's no point in debating their marriage with you, you're too young to fully understand our brother's motives. Now, you should eat your breakfast before it gets cold and the milk is in the icebox if you're thirsty". I say sharply, wanting nothing more than to get this meal over with.

I set down my plate of food at my small dining table with a glass of milk, and my ignorant sister quietly does the same. I can tell she's annoyed with me though and desperately wants to say something. But I know she won't because she's too 'nice' to tell me what she really thinks.

 _"She may be silent now, but remember; I had a sister who was just as troublesome as that child and she was the one who made me use the Deplorable Word. There is no telling what that child will do to get what she wants."_  Jadis says as I watch Lucy eat her pancake. For a moment, my mind goes back to the dream I'd had and how determined Jadis' sister was to take the throne in much the same way Lucy was determined to come here and tell me all about our brother's pathetic wedding and whatever other reason she'd come for.

 "These pancakes are delicious," Lucy interrupts my thoughts. “I've always liked how you'd add cinnamon, it makes the pancakes taste sweeter," she adds.

“I make sure to have the best of everything, that includes preparing the most splendid tasting food,” I said quickly, hinting that I don't really feel like talking.

"Would it be alright if I gave Aunt Polly the recipe? I could give it to her at the dinner tonight." She says cheerfully.

 "You're going there for dinner tonight? Don't tell me you still have meetings about that children's game". I almost laugh at just the thought of it, you'd think after not hearing anything for seven years would get them to stop talking about it and realize that the Lion had lost interest in his pawns. Then again, Lucy had always put her faith and trust in that creature, which was foolish on her part.

"Yes, actually we do though we only meet every other month. We weren't going to have one this month since Peter and Nancy hosted a small dinner at their new home two weeks ago and it was mostly the people who knew of Narnia and our parents. However, the Professor had a feeling that it was important we meet up tonight; I'm hoping it means that Jill and Eustace will finally get to go back to Narnia, they were never told they couldn't go back after all. That's another reason why I wanted to come visit. I thought I'd see if you were interested in coming too, that is if you're not busy". At that I burst into laughter causing Lucy to go silent.

"After all this time, you still think that game is real and it wasn't just something you made up for attention? I know you have a big imagination but you have to realize that there comes a time when you need to give up your silly fancies and grow up; you're sixteen after all."

"I'm seventeen!" She interrupts, standing. "And I have grown up- twice! I may not have a fancy job or dozens of dates and I don't go to many parties or wear make-up often. That doesn't mean I don't understand what it means to be an adult or that I don't understand the world we live in now and how cruel and selfish people can become. I know how devastating war can be and how it can tear families apart. I've seen men and beasts tear each other apart; at only fourteen years old I killed in order to protect our country. That is something a child shouldn’t have to go through! But, I know that no matter what world you live in there will always be brokenness and cruelty; yet at the same time I know there is someone who would take away your suffering if only you would let him!" She states firmly, as though she knew what she was talking about.

"You think just because you know a little bit about war and understand the conditions of this world, that it means you're mature enough to see the reasoning behind the cause for war? There is and will always be someone who wants to rule over others and then somebody who wants to rule over that person and on and on it goes until one of them can prove that they are the strongest and they are to be feared. There's no point in pretending that there's a person out there who cares about what happens to the broken and the weak. No person would help someone else without wanting something in return, not even that lion you made up." I tell her a portion of the things Jadis has told me over the past few years. It seems to have caused Lucy some confusion though which only proves just how ignorant she really is.

“How can you say that, you know I’m not lying about Aslan and you know I didn’t make him up!”

"Don't mention that name! It's brought nothing but misery ever since you found that wardrobe and because of it you've always been a little brat who always has to have her way and never listens to reason." I yell not bothering to hold anything back. I'm done trying to deal with this child.

"I'm not the one who isn't listening to reason!" She says angrily; I can see that she's fed up of me as well. "You haven't been listening to anything any of us say in years and have only been concerned about yourself and made sure to forget everything that actually matters to you."

"I'm well aware of what matters to me Lucy and it has nothing to do with you, our family or that stupid game you forced me into. It's time you accepted that we were abandoned to this world, so-"

"HE DID NOT ABANDON US!" She interrupts as though she has any authority over me. "And if you actually bothered looking for him, you'd know that but you haven't and now you've forgotten everything he taught us. As a result, you've gone from being my gentle older sister whom I love to being no better than the White Witch!" She yells causing shivers to go down my spine and my heart to skip a beat. I'm not sure who she's referring to but it causes me to go cold, colder than I already was, if that's possible. But I'm sure it's because of my sister and I need to get rid of her.

"I can't say I have the slightest idea of who you're referring to, but if that person is someone you hate then I'd gladly become that; especially if it means I can finally stop pretending that I ever cared about you!" I reply in anger, causing a moment of abrupt silence. I watch the tears fall from her eyes though I can't say I feel any sympathy towards her.

 "You don't mean that." She says softly while holding back her tears. “

"I do; there isn't much in this world I despise more than you." I let my true thoughts finally leave my lips. I have every reason to hate her. "After all, you're the one who got me and our brothers to play that stupid game- you're the reason I was forced into that lie. I'd have been better off had you never been born." I say calmly, as though saying that didn't bother me at all.

"Susan you can't mean that. You used to sing to me when I was upset and read to me before I'd fall asleep. You never liked going to war, but you wouldn't have thought twice about protecting me from any harm. You just can't mean those words- we're sisters!" I watch as another tear starts to fall down my sister's cheek as I ignore the small aching in my heart. I'm not sure why my heart would ache for her when I meant every word.

"None of those things ever meant that I loved you; they were only obligations I had to fulfill at the time." I say coldly as more tears fell. I must say it's a little refreshing to see her like this and feel only a little pain. "Now you ate your breakfast so I suggest you leave and never bother me again." I add as she turns away from me and starts making her way to the door. But before leaving she stopped and looked back at me with tear-filled eyes.

"You can say whatever you want to me Susan, I'll still love you and I hope one day you'll remember how much Narnia really means to you. More importantly I hope you'll remember that he still loves you." She said smoothly, as though it was something she felt she had to say before finally leaving.

"I told you to get out of my sight and not to come back; I grow tired of watching you cry like a small child." I say sharply, turning my attention to the mess on the table as I listen to her closing the front door. I clean up the table while ignoring my pain.

 _"Well Susan, I'm impressed with how you handled that ignorant child. I didn't have to remind you of what your siblings have done and you managed to hide your weakness. Maybe you're ready to be a real queen after all."_ I stop cleaning at Jadis' words- words I've been waiting to hear for nearly seven years.

"Of course! I'm no longer the weak school girl that I was. I've proved just how far I'll go to become a true queen; you know I have what it takes to get rid of anyone who stands in my way, no matter who they are." I answer her though I can still feel my heart longing for something that is lost even and I have no interest in finding out what that is.

 _"You have come a long way but there's still one more thing you need to know if you want to become what you desire,"_  Jadis whispers in my ear. I feel myself becoming more intrigued with her every word.

 "Tell me everything I need to know." I reply, knowing it's the only thing that will finally free me from whatever it is that's keeping me from becoming who I am destined to be.

_"I will, but only because you show yourself to be as strong and beautiful as I was. Which is what every queen needs if they want to rule a kingdom. However you need more than just a strong will and beauty; when I was queen of Charn, I had magic to help me keep people in place. I knew that in order to keep myself where I was I needed to make myself higher in position- not just to the common man but to the rest of the royal family and anybody else who would pose a threat. So I learnt everything I could about dark magic and used it to have unrestrained power over all living things, and because of that everyone knew I was to be feared. You see Susan, the more power one has the more they will be feared; and fear is what gives one control over everything else."_

I listen to every word Jadis speaks and it sends shivers down my spine. Yet I can feel the power of every word making me even more interested in wanting that power and control.

 _"That was why I sought out the secret of the Deplorable Word; I knew it would give me ultimate power over the fate of the entire world, which is what makes me the greatest ruler Charn has ever seen. Charn the great wonder of not only my world, but all worlds. I, Jadis, could choose when to end it all"._  I find myself stepping back with a gasp at her last statement; not because I wanted to but because it showed how fear could give someone such power.

"However, in order for me to obtain such a Word, I had to pay a great price".

"And what price was that?" I ask softly, entranced by her every word.

 _"My heart."_  She says calmly as I feel my own heart sink lower into my chest.  _"But those things are nothing compared to having ultimate power over the fate of an entire world. For a heart only makes a person weak and have emotions that can be overbearing."_  She tells me and I realize what has been holding me back all these years. My heart and soul are making me feel all the pain my family has caused and I suddenly realize why I had such a hard time getting away from their lies.

“So, the only way I can gain the life of a Queen is if I give up my heart?” I ask, as my heart aches even more.

_"I cannot rid you of it, but I can freeze your heart and that will help you forget the pain caused by all those who hurt you. It will also cause the pain of a High King who tried to control you to disappear; a traitor who deceived you or a child who forced you into a magical land run by a lion who gave you a beautiful kingdom, only to take it all away when he grew tired of you, it will all go away"._

I feel a sharp pain go through my chest as I'm reminded of how my family lied to me for so many years and how they rejected and threw me out, just because I went and lived my life according to what I wanted. I went from being a queen of a wonderful land given to me by someone I used to admire to being abandoned to this miserable place. Now I realize he never truly loved me. I feel a tear fall down my cheek as I think about all those dreadful things.

"Do it." I tell her, knowing that I can't deal with all that pain. I'd much rather be a powerful queen with a stone-cold heart than feel all the hurt and pain that lion caused.

 _"Of course, Susan. I'll start right away."_  She answers me as shivers go through my body and my heart grows colder than it's ever been and yet I can feel myself growing stronger.  _"Soon you will become a true and powerful queen."_ She whispers and I smile at the delightful thought.


	20. Chapter 20

**September 15, 1949** **Heart of Stone**

I walk down the streets of London, which seem as cold as I am. Everything around me feels like the middle of winter, and everything I touch seems as if it were turned to stone and the air seems thin and icy even though it's still summer and my two friends are complaining about the heat. Unlike them, I don't feel the heat at all, I only feel the ice. It doesn't bother me though, after all it only means that I'm getting closer to becoming a true queen.

_"Soon you will be a queen and have everything that you desire."_  Jadis whispers as she continues to freeze my heart as she has been doing for the last few days and I know my time is coming.

 "Susan there's the new clothing shop I was telling you about." I turn to see the store Jean was pointing to. "It's said to have all the latest styles. "She tells me, as I look at the lovely dresses in the display window.

"Well then, we should take a look around." I say as I start walking towards the shop knowing how beautiful I'll look in one of those dresses.

"Wait, are we sure their clothes aren't too expensive? I still need to pay rent you know." I hear Samantha complain behind me and I quickly turn to her.

 "If you want to keep your place in society, you have to realize that we have to look our best at all times which means having the latest fashions and knowing everything else is a lesser priority," I remind her before walking into the store.

 I look around the store and see many gorgeous outfits; it's hard to find just one and I only have two hours to find something stunning to wear to Katherine's party tomorrow night. After that I have to get ready for my date with Lord Chesterfield which should go well, as it always does. Then this day will be over. By tomorrow Jadis will have completely frozen my heart and I will finally have the luxurious life of a queen back.

_“Soon Susan, you will be a whole new person,”_ Jadis says as the beating of my heart decreases. I almost want to smile but my lips are too numb.

"Look at these prices! I knew we shouldn't have come here, but she'd rather us look glamorous living on the streets than us use our money on something practical." I hear Samantha say quietly, a little ways behind me.

"Shhh! Don't say that she might hear you." Jean whispers back as my anger grows though I don't react, I want to know what else they have to say.

"Oh Jean, don't tell me you're not tired of doing everything she tells us to, she's not our boss; she's worse than Cindy was, giving us all those societal rules." Samantha continues to rant as I take a deep breath to hold back my anger.

"True, Cindy was a lot nicer. Honestly, I almost like the Susan we first met back in school more. She may have been a bit dimwitted, but at least she wasn’t a total witch like she is now,”

"You know, I can hear every word you're saying." I interrupt them harshly, turning around and watching them freeze in place. "And if you want to keep your position in society, then you'd know not to say those kinds of things about me. After all, I'm the one who allowed you in it; I can take you out of it just as easily," I tell them.

"We know Susan and we didn't mean it the way it sounded. Samantha's just concerned about other things, she didn't mean anything against you, and I was just trying to stop her from any more foolish things," Jean pleads with me, though her words were a lot harsher than Samantha's.

 “Alright, I’ll let it go for now, I do need to look for a new dress,” I say calmly as though I were not upset with them. It doesn’t matter, soon I’ll be living like a true queen and they will know the consequences of their actions.

_“Yes, soon no one will be able to stand in our way,”_ Jadis says as I feel my heart grow colder and my bones grow stronger, so much so that I could probably break one of my 'friends' arms with one pull.

Soon I find an icy blue dress with a white flowered pattern on it as well as a red one with white stripes, both look very lovely and it doesn't take me long to find shoes to match. Once I've done that I make sure that my 'friends'' outfits aren't as beautiful. Luckily, they didn't complain about my choices for them; probably because they knew not to cross me after I'd told them off earlier.

Later I go back to my flat and I almost break my door down trying to unlock it. I should probably be careful, I could do some real damage to something, though if it's standing in my way it certainly deserves it.

I walk into my room and hang up my new dresses, though I might wear one of them tonight. I do want to keep Chesterfield interested so I can keep influencing his decisions, which has become the only reason I'm still with the foolish man. I can't say I get any pleasure being with him, like I used to. Seducing him just seems like part of my job now.

Then again, I don't find any pleasure from most of the men I've been with in the last few months. It must be because none of them can make me feel whole and I'd end up miserable in the morning, I reason to myself as I put on my new red dress, ignoring the ache in my slightly frozen heart.

Of course, I know that once Jadis is done freezing my heart, I'll no long have to find comfort in men or clothes to make me feel whole. Soon I won't hurt when I think of the past and I'll be free of these pointless emotions; pain was the only thing they'd brought me but soon there won't be a heart left to ache.

_"Any moment now Susan, you won't feel anything at all_." Jadis says as I finish getting ready, knowing her words to be true.

Once I'm done, I make my way from my flat to Chesterfield's office for a late night 'meeting', which is the excuse he gives his family. We usually stay at the office since we're never disturbed and we have an easier time keeping our affair a secret. Lucky for me, I only live fifteen minutes away.

I walk into his office to find him standing next to his desk wearing a nice black suit, holding two glasses filled with red wine. His smile grows wider as he notices me approaching.

"Susan, I was almost afraid you'd forgotten about tonight," he says softly. I stop as I get beside him and try to fake a smile with my icy lips.

"Of course not; have I ever disappointed you?" I ask while not really showing any emotion. He hands me one of the wine glasses and I take a sip though I can't really say what it tastes like, I haven't been able to taste anything for the last few days.

"How could I ever doubt a beautiful woman like you, especially when you're the one thing that makes my job worthwhile." He says as he puts his hand on my cheek and leans in to give me a small kiss.

"Well, I am your personal secretary; I'm supposed to manage everything for you." I answer back while loosening his tie.

"And you are absolutely brilliant at it". he says before we lock lips yet again.

He's always so desperate for my love; it makes it so easy to get him to do what I want. Like telling me what's going on in England as well as other parts of the world. I can give him advice when he needs it which in turn gives me a voice in this country. It makes him the key I need to gain the power I so rightfully deserve, I think to myself as he leans me back against his desk.  

Suddenly I hear a door slam. Both of us whip our heads in that direction only to see a woman standing there. I feel the effect of Jadis on my heart as it freezes for the woman is no other than Mrs. Chesterfield, here to ruin our time together.

 “Charlotte, darling I thought you were visiting your mother,” he asks after letting go of me, and walking to his wife.

"Well, I got in about an hour ago and one of the servants said you were at a meeting. I thought I could surprise you, I didn't know you were actually busy with your secretary." She says, shooting us both nasty looks and I feel the slow beating of my angry heart.

"Oh Charlotte, this isn't like that at all, you know I love you." He tells her, grabbing a hold of her hands which she then pulls away before slapping him across the face, leaving a red handprint in her wake.

"Don't give me that you two-time snake! I saw you necking that little hussy just a moment ago!" I feel myself growing madder, _how dare she call me a hussy? I am nothing of the sort,_ I think to myself as she continues. "How could you Samuel? After all I've shared with you, after all the life we've had together. What would our son think once he finds out you're getting together with a girl half your age?" She says, her voice dripping with disappointment. Though I can clearly see the tears in her eyes, they don't faze me. I manage to keep a cold and distant expression on my face, knowing as I do that she is only another obstacle in my way to ultimate power.

"Oh honey I would never purposely hurt you. Susan was the one who bewitched me into kissing and touching her. I had no intention of giving in. The woman is nothing compared to y-".

"Nothing." I interrupt with pure fury in my voice. "After all I've done for you these last three years. You wouldn't be able to stand on your own feet without me here. I type your letters, take your calls and give you advice. How dare you call me nothing? If anything, you're the one who's nothing, I should be the one in charge and have you as my mindless slave." I voice all my thoughts, not worried about holding anything back. It's time for people to see me as the queen I was meant to be

 "Well I can't understand why you'd prefer that woman over me, she's positively mad!" His wife yells causing me to turn to the pathetic woman.

"I, Susan Pevensie, am nothing of the sort and you should know better than to address me in that tone. You are a mere peasant who is a dull sight to look at, you obviously can't keep your husband happy! You're no match for a beautiful woman who was once a queen of another world and who will soon rule here as well. You will see me as your queen and know that you are nothing compared to me, Queen Jad- ahhh!" I scream as I feel something harden in my chest. Bringing a hand to where it hurts, I stop breathing for a second only to realize that my heart has stopped beating, just as I hear a soft ring that's getting louder by the second.

"What's wrong Susan?" I vaguely hear the man ask as he comes over to me.

 “Don’t touch me, you ignorant peasant!” I shout before pushing him towards the wall and bolting out of his office and the rest of the building before making my way onto the streets. Meanwhile the ringing in my ears on grows louder every second; cold shivers run through my body continuously as I concentrate on my surroundings.

"Are you alright, miss?" Someone asks after I let out another scream. My head starts pounding and, not caring what happens to the concerned passerby, I push that person out of my way. The ringing gets even louder, to the point where I can't hear anything else yet I can tell that my breathings sped up as I make my way home.

I stumble up the stairs to my flat as the ringing grows louder and shivers keep run through me. My mind is spinning from all the madness. Once I make it into my flat I fall to the floor after letting out yet another scream as I lose all feeling in my legs and the ringing grows louder still. Soon my whole body is scrunched, lying on the floor as I continue to lose all feeling in various parts of my body, as though I were turning to stone. The ringing continues as I lie there, my vision getting blurrier until there's nothing but cold darkness.

_I open my eyes to find myself standing in a field of lilies that are very beautiful and shining brightly in the sun._ Where am I? _I ask myself as I look over the loveliest field I've ever seen._ Am I dead?  _I wonder fearfully as a dark cloud drifts over the sun, blocking its light and causing snow to fall all around me._

_Soon all the lilies are wilting away as a result from the sudden snowstorm. Walls of ice form around me._

_"No!" I scream as I pound on the walls that are starting to close in on me. "Let me out!" I yell._

_"It's too late for that." A chilling voice that almost sounds like mine, answers. Looking up I see someone standing on the other side of the ice. "You're all mine now." It adds before I let out another scream._

My eyes snap open and I see the sun shining through my blinds and I realize I must've slept through the night and had that horrifying dream.  _At least I'm not dead,_ I say to myself or try to but I can't feel my mouth move to let the words out. I can't seem to feel any of my muscles yet I seem to be standing and looking around my flat before I move towards my bedroom. It was weird knowing that I was moving though I couldn't feel my muscles actually working.

_What is happening?_ _How am I moving?_ I say, but still I can’t get any words to come out of my mouth. _Is this another dream?_

"It's no dream Susan". I hear my voice say though I'm not sure as to why I'm addressing myself like that.

  _What’s going on?_ I demand.

_"Exactly what you wanted, to gain the life of a queen."_  Jadis mocks me as I watch myself enter my room. I'm surprised by her words but they haven't cleared up any of my confusion.                                                                                                 

_I don't understand._ I tell her in the only way I know how at the moment.  _How am I moving if I can't feel any of my muscles?_

_"You know Susan, when I was Queen of Narnia, I used to tell those creatures that I was human so that they'd obey me as their queen,"_  Jadis tells me nonchalantly as I seem to move over to the mirror. "I guess I really am a Daughter of Eve now." I watch the words fall from my lips although I'm not the one speaking. 

_What are you doing?!_

 "I told you I'd take full control over you". She tells me as I move away from the mirror. "I really should thank you for letting me come back here," she adds while going through my clothes looking for a new dress to wear.

_This wasn't part of the deal._ I state confused and angry as to why she'd do this. After all, I did everything she told me to, the least she could do was stick to the deal we'd made.

"Wasn't it? Didn't I tell you years ago that I'd give you everything you desired and in return you'd help me rule this world? Did you really think I could get that power without a physical body _?"_ She answers me after putting on the blue dress I'd bought.

_You told me you would help me become a true queen, I didn’t agree to this!_ I say angrily through my thoughts, which is the only way I can speak thanks to her.

 "Haven't you learned anything Susan? Nobody does a favor for someone else without wanting something in return and everyone wants ultimate power. However, only one can have that power and I, Jadis, am the one who should have that power. I'm not going to let a worthless peasant take the credit. I would have you dead before you try to take it for yourself, but no, I won't kill you just yet." She tells me while brushing my hair.

_You witch! I can't believe I listened to you!_  I should've known, after everything she'd taught me that she'd use her tricks on me. But, thanks to her I have some tricks of my own and I won't let her stay in control of my body. It's mine!

"You can fight all you want, but you won't win". Jadis states while standing in front of the mirror, a cold expression on her face. Only then do I realize that she's been in my head for years; she knows all my tricks and she can still read my thoughts. 

_How do I stop her?_  I think to myself, but I know it's an impossible battle.

Suddenly I hear a knock on my front door. Jadis moves to open it and as she does I see two young men standing in the hallway. I recognize them immediately, but so does she.

"Peter, Edmund, I didn't expect to see you here. Come in and make yourselves at home." The Witch greets them in a soft tone, sounding like a completely different person, standing to the side as I watch my brothers enter the room after a slight hesitation on Edmund's part. "I was just about to make a fresh pot of tea," she adds cheerfully, closing the door behind them.

"Thanks Susan, but we can't stay long. We're supposed to meet the others at the train station at noon." I hear Peter tell her but of course he thinks it's me. They don't know who's really greeting them.

"No problem, I've got a lot to do today as well." She fakes a smile and locks the door when their heads are turned, locking my brothers into her death trap.

_"Oh, don't worry Susan, I'll take good care of your brothers."_  She tells me and I know my brothers are about to meet their doom.


	21. Chapter 21

**September 16, 1949**

Jadis, who's now taken full control of my body, is now making a pot of tea on my stove for my two unfortunate brothers.  _"Now, I already know what the Traitor would want in his tea, but I'm not too sure about what to give the Little King",_ she taunts me through her thoughts as she moves away from my stove and starts searching through my cabinets.

 _Stop this! I don't want you anywhere near them._ I tell her, or think to her, which is all I can do at the moment.

 _"You can't stop me Susan. Your brothers are in my domain now and their deaths are long overdue. But no, I won't kill them right away, first I'll be tying them up and cutting off fingers and toes, making sure they see each other suffer. The Little King will be the first to go; I'll let the Traitor suffer a little more before I rid myself of him."_ She says and I find myself wishing more and more that I'd never listened to her in the first place.  _"It's a shame your sister isn't here, but I'll get her soon enough along with the old man, his friend and the other two,"_ she adds as she grabs a few biscuits, putting them on a tray along with the pot of tea and tea cups.

 _No...I don't want you laying a hand on them._ I demand.

 _"Really Susan, I thought you wanted nothing to do with them. It shouldn't matter to you whether they live or die,"_ she tells me.

She's right, why should it matter what happens to them; they're the ones who rejected  _me_ all because I wanted to live my glamorous life instead of being a pawn in their game. Peter has always tried to control my life, even found someone who despises me as much as they do to replace me in the family circle. Edmund ignored me, then pretended to comfort me saying he understood my pain, but really, he just wanted me back under their control. They're the ones who tried to make me go back to that game; they both deserve what's coming to them, but then again, they're not the ones who've taken full control over me and I don't think they would even if they knew how.

 "Ed she needs to know what's going on- even if she won't believe it". I hear Peter whisper as she turns towards the couch were their sitting.

"I know, but I've got a...a strange feeling about being here. Like there's something..." I vaguely hear Edmund whisper.

"Tea's ready," Jadis interrupts while entering the room, causing both to turn towards her, or me. "I also have some leftover biscuits I thought you both might like." I watch my brothers intently while putting the tray down on the coffee table as I wonder if either one of them can tell I'm not the one talking to them. However, Peter's twisting his wedding band nervously while Edmund is staring at the tray of biscuits, as though he was unsure about taking one. All in all, they seem to have too much on their minds to notice much.

 “Thank you, Susan, that’s very kind of you,” Peter replies after Jadis sits down in the chair beside the couch.

 "Of course, you know I always make my guests feel welcome and it's been a long time since I've seen you both. I'm glad you both finally came to see me." She says softly through her fake smile; at least I think she's smiling, I can't actually tell.

"Well we would've come sooner, but you didn't actually give us an address. We didn't find out where you lived until last week and that was only because Nancy ran into one of your friends." Edmund remarks. If I could turn away in anger right now I would. It's not like any of them ever made me feel welcome when I was with them, why would I then give them my address? I cast my mind back to that night remembering how everyone had been doting over Nancy and completely ignoring me.

 "You just didn't give me time to; after what happened the last time we saw each other, you throwing me out, do you really think I'd welcome you into my home so freely?" Jadis mimics my thoughts as I continue to drift into a painful past that I wanted to forget but unfortunately for me, was all I could think about.

"You didn't leave us much of a choice Su, you wouldn't stop arguing with everyone there; it was clear that you didn't want to be there." Peter says calmly, breaking into me from my thoughts. "But that didn't mean we never wanted to see you again; we've spent months looking for you. We miss you". I can see the sincerity in his eyes, Peter means every word and yet he is still the one who married that impostor in attempt to replace me; how can I trust him now?

"And I miss you as well, Peter". The witch answers him while grabbing hold of his hand. "You know that I just get angry sometimes, I never do it on purpose", she adds almost suggestively, for a moment looking at him in an almost lustful way. If it was possible my stomach would be turning right now.

 _Don't even think about it,_ I warn her but she seems to be done listening to me and just keeps watching Peter and Edmund, who are staring at each other in confusion. Surely, they must know I'd never act this way, they are my brothers after all.

“Are you alright Su?” Peter asks, after turning away from Edmund.

"I've never felt better," she answers, letting go of Peter's hand. "Now, I'm sure there's more to your visit than just rambling about the past." She gets up from my chair and heads to the kitchen, rummaging around looking for my knives. I'm guessing that at this point she's grown tired of them and my heart would be racing if it wasn't frozen. True they were part of the reason I'd wanted her to freeze my heart, but I still didn't want her killing them.

"Actually, there is something we need to talk to you about. Monday night, Ed, Lu and I went to Aunt Polly's for dinner with the other Friends of Narnia". The witch turns towards him and I see they are both standing beside the couch. "I know you don't like talking about Narnia Su, but this is important, so I ask that you hear us out, just this once". Peter insists, of course they would bring up that game, I think to myself

“Alright, if that important” She tells him, through it’s the last thing I want them to talk about, not that I have any choose.   

"After dinner we saw this man, or phantom standing in the kitchen. He wouldn't tell us who he was or why he was there but he had this Narnian look and he seemed to be in trouble so we had to find a way to help him." I hear him say vaguely as I think back to my conversation with Lucy. She'd mentioned something about how the Professor felt they should all meet. Peter was trying to make it sound like something big had happened but it was probably just their way of trying to make me believe in that game again.

 "You expect me to believe in your tale? You're just as delusional as our childish sister." Jadis remarks and I have to agree with her on that. She turns back to the kitchen to get closer to the knives

"Please, Susan just listen to us! We know you don't believe in Narnia anymore but it is a real place, and right now it could be in grave danger. The others are getting to board the train, while Ed and I will meet them at the nearby train station when we leave here. We have no clue how much time has passed in Narnia; the man we saw could be dead for all we know." Peter says, turning away so I don't see his frustration even though I can still hear it in his voice. Maybe they're telling the truth, I think to myself as Jadis reaches for the knife.

"Even if he is, we still need to give Eustace and Jill the rings, so they can do their part in helping Narnia," Edmund reminds Peter. I watch as Jadis stops and turns towards them.

“Rings, what rings?” She questions them with great interest. I can't say I have any idea what rings would have to do with their infernal game.

"The rings that the Professor and Aunt Polly used to get into the Wood between the Worlds from which they got into Narnia. We dug them up very early yesterday and we're going to give them to Jill and Eustace since it's the only way to get them there." Peter replies. I can see the witch is getting more and more interested in these rings.

"The rings that the Professor and Aunt Polly used to get into the Wood between the Worlds from which they got into Narnia. We dug them up very early yesterday and we're going to give them to Jill and Eustace since it's the only way to get them there." Peter replies. I can see the witch is getting more and more interested in these rings.

 The Witch laughs. "Oh really, you still believe in that fairy tale the Professor told us while we were staying with him? You should have realized by now that it was something he made up to get us to start playing that game". she tells them before moving away from the kitchen.

"Susan, it wasn't just some story!" Edmund protests. "The Professor's uncle really did have rings that sent both him and Polly to the Woods between the Worlds. Lucy really did find Narnia in a wardrobe and we really were Kings and Queens of that country. We really did see the phantom; we're not making this up" He adds in a tone that makes him sound just as serious as Peter, they're trying really hard to get me back again.

"You can say whatever you want; it won't make me a friend of Narnia." Jadis answers in an angry tone. Having listened to her for so many years, I can see that she's got a bigger plan in mind than just starting an argument. "But you prove the old man's tale if you take the rings out and show that they truly work," she adds, turning back to them.

"Now Susan, I don't think that's a good idea". Peter moves him bag away from me.

"Why not? You want me to believe you, don't you? If the rings actually work then it proves that the 'dear old' Professor's tale is true and it would also prove that our sister really did find a magical land in a wardrobe, as well as the rest of your story." She tempts him, but I can see he's not about to give in, which is a good thing because they're no telling what the witch is planning.

"We don't need to prove anything to you, you've always known it was real." Edmund argues. In a way I know he's right; I've always known the game was a real place and that I was a queen there. However, I was just as much a prisoner there as I am now, or that's what Jadis would have me believe.

"I guess it could seem real to you and our sister, to me however, it's just a silly dream. However, show me the rings work then I'll know that I'm not dreaming." She says in her soft voice, trying to get them to do her bidding. Looking at Edmund though, I can see he's not buying her lies.

"Why are you so interested in these rings?" Edmund asks.

 "Or in wanting us to prove Narnia exists? The past seven years you've always denied it." Peter butts in, just as suspicious as Edmund. I'm sure they're getting close to suspecting the truth though I'm not what they'll do when they find out that truth.  

"Don't you want your sister, I mean me, to believe in Narnia again?" Jadis says smoothly, causing them both to go silent. She turns to my older brother. "Peter, I could be that sister you depend on and help keep you from getting overwhelmed." I can see Peter's listening intently, his hand resting on the strap of his bag. I'm not sure where Jadis is going with this. She then turns to my younger brother.

"Edmund, I could be there to listen to your troubles, when you need to talk and comfort you like I used to. I might even make my peace with Lucy and go back to being her loving older sister. Then all four of us could go back to being the family we were destined to be. I could even become a Friend of Narnia and plan our next gathering. All you have to do is show me the rings for me to become that sister." She add almost sweetly.

 I notice Peter's hand is on the flap of his bag as though he were about to open it to get the rings out, while Edmund looks like he would do the same thing. I can tell how much they want what Jadis is offering them. Though what I don't understand is why they would want me; they rejected me and never truly cared about me. Right? I thought they only wanted to control me, just as the witch does, but all they want is to have their sister back.

"No!" Edmund finally breaks the hold her tempting voice has on him, though it seems difficult to do. "Pete, I think we should leave now." His voice breaks the trance Peter's in.  

"Right." Peter agrees. "Susan, it was nice visiting you. Thank you for the tea and biscuits, but right now Ed and I have to go meet the others." He and Edmund move towards the door but they aren't fast enough Jadis quickly puts herself, or I should say me, in front of the door to block their leaving. "Susan, Ed and I need to get these rings to Jill and Eustace at the station. I need to ask you to move!"

But she doesn't and as a result I can see the confusion in their eyes. "Seriously Susan, it was great to see you again and we can come back another day but right now you really need to let us go!" Peter demands.

"Do you really think I'd let you go that easily, Little King?" She says in a deep voice that quite clearly doesn't sound like mine. Peter freezes in place an expression of horror and confusion on his face. He turns to Edmund who also looks horrified though there is also a lot of hurt showing in his face. "You should've shown me the rings, I guess you didn't want your gentle sister back after all".  

"You're not our sister, we don't want you back!" Edmund states angrily, her presence seems to be making him very nervous. I'm not sure why but he's acting as though she's haunted his nightmares for years.       

"Why Edmund," she walks over to him, putting a hand on his cheek as he cringes. "I thought you would be happier about my return. After all, I couldn't have taken your sister without your help". She toys with him causing his face to go even paler than mine.

 "No! I didn't want this to happen to her." He yells, taking a few steps back. I can almost see tears in his eyes at the thought of condemning me to her control.

"Didn't you? You remember how you ruined my beautiful wall; you had to have known that I wouldn't give up that easily and had you not struck the wall until I had a proper host, this wouldn't have happened". She says, causing my brother more pain, as my mind travels back to the day where ice had fallen on me when I'd been running after Peter in some sort of cave, I think.

"Don't listen to her Ed; after all you're not the one Susan was trying to stop from almost making a huge mistake and neither of us knew about her twisted plan". Peter claims while seemly blaming himself for my current condition. Is this more proof that they do  _care_ about me? I wonder as Peter turns to me. "Now, where's our sister? What did you do to her?" he demands; I can hear the concern in his voice.

"I merely encouraged her to go after her desires and promised to help her gain back the life of royalty that'd been stripped away. I got her to realize how weak you made her and got her to forget all her memories of her worthless reign". Jadis informs them.

She started giving me advice and I got more and more tastes of the life I wanted. One that made more than a helpless schoolgirl. Seven years later I was fully entrenched in that lifestyle and , proving to myself that I was not the weak girl Jadis said I was. I wanted to prove that I was nothing like the wake girl my family made me out to be. While all long I was just the witch's host body.  _I might as well have been turned to stone,_ I think to myself, which I recall is what the witch was known for in that game.  

“Susan is anything but worthless. She did a lot more as Queen than you ever did. She was the one who made sure the needs of all Narnians were met and she promoted peace with other countries. She rarely fought in wars but when she did, nobody in their right mind wanted to mess with her because they knew she wouldn't let the ones she loved get hurt. She was a great Queen and you stripped all that away from her." Edmund fires back, breaking into my thoughts.  _Did he just call me a great Queen? Did he really just say that I wasn't worthless?_ I wonder to myself and for a second I feel a slight warm sensation in me.

"I didn't strip her of anything. I may have given her a few suggestions, but your sister made her own choices and has done a lot worse to herself than I did. Just last night she was caught having an affair with her married boss, a few days before that she told your little sister how much she hated her; she was also the one who insisted on ruining the gathering you had a few months back." I listen to Jadis list all of my sins and I start to see my brother's eyes start looking like Mrs. Chesterfield's eyes when she found me with her husband, or Lucy's when I told her to get out of my sight. They look the same as they did every time I insulted them and mocked their beliefs. "She made her own choices to do all of that and she freely allowed me to take over control." Jadis adds.

I wish I could look down in shame; I know her words to be true. I am the one who made all those choices; who ruined my boss's marriage, who caused my friends to go bankrupt, who pushed my family away. True, at the time none of those things seemed wrong at the time and I can't feel any guilt at the moment but I knew it was wrong, I just didn't care. Yet, looking into their eyes I can see all the pain I caused them and its very much like the pain I had Jadis freeze over.   

"Your sister is mine now; there's nothing you can do to save her." Jadis says, walking to the kitchen as sorrow and anger mix together in my brothers' facial expressions. I can see that neither one can fully accept that I'm forever the witch's prisoner. They must truly care about me, I tell myself and why shouldn't they? We did grow up together and as children we were a family; we were there for one another. For a second, I could swear I felt my heart give a small beat, maybe I do still care about them.

"I'll kill you right now for what you've done to her." Peter says, his voice filled with much pain and anger.

"Oh really Peter; I didn't think you'd kill one of your own". Jadis said, while grabbing a knife from the rack. Turning, she sees my older brother frozen with fear while my younger brother is taking deep calming breaths. I can see that there is no escape; they're now caught in her death trap along with me. Jadis walks towards them. "Now you will give me the rings and I'll be on my way", she says, a threatening edge to her voice.

For a moment, I almost fear that Jadis will stab one of them when suddenly Edmund knocks her to the ground, causing me to let go of the knife. "You're not Susan, you're not Susan," I hear him repeat over and over as he continues to hold her down while Peter uses the knife to cut the strap off his bag in order to use it to tie my wrists together.

However, they underestimate the witch's strength, possibly thinking that she has mine. Soon she pushes them both out of her way as she frees herself and stand up. I see my brothers struggling to get up, I think I can actually start to feel myself become afraid as she strides over to Edmund and grasping his collar throw him across the room as though he were as light as a feather. I hear him hit my bookshelf which falls and pins him to the floor after he lands with a thud.

Then Jadis goes after Peter, who must have hit his head on the coffee table as he's currently rubbing it. I see my hand grabbing his throat, lifting him off his feet. I watch helplessly as Peter gasps for breath, knowing that years of listening to Jadis and living my oh so glamourous life has led to this.

 _No, stop this!_ I yell through my thoughts but it only causes her to tighten the grip she has on his throat. Peter's face is becoming paler and paler. _Let go of him!_ I demand. But it's not use; she's going to kill him _. No, you can't do this, I won't let you!_ At that point Peter looks like he's about to pass out.


	22. Chapter 22

I watch Jadis holding Peter with a hand around his throat- my hand- and even though I'm not supposed to feel anything, I'm still afraid of seeing him die. He's my brother and, I've just realized how much he and Edmund care for me as I care for them. Now I have to watch as she tightens her grip. No, she can't kill him, oh I want to be free from this prison, I think to myself as I hear a sound, a very faint one, almost like the sound of a lion's roar.

 "Ahh," I sigh as my hand releases the grip it has on Peter's throat; I can once again feel all of my muscles. I've somehow managed to regain control of my body, yet I can't stop shivering. I turn to Peter as he gasps for air, as he attempts to catch his breath. At least he can breathe, I smile a little though it hurts to do even when it is still a little numb, It hurts to even do that.    

"Susan?" Peter asks hoarsely, after taking a sip of tea.

“It’s me, Peter,” I tell him almost cheerfully, it’s so nice to be able to feel my lips move.

Peter quickly strides over to me, pulling me into a strong hug. "Thank Aslan it's you" he mutters happily as I feel my shivering finally stop; I'm so glad to be able to feel my brother's warm embrace, hearing that name doesn't bother me in the slightest. I smile again as I hear groaning coming from under a fallen bookshelf.

"Edmund," I say before breaking away from Peter and move towards the bookcase to get it off Edmund. "Edmund are you alright...?" I stop talking abruptly as I notice the blood on the knee of his trousers. "Oh Edmund, wait, don't move, you might make it worse. I should have something we can put on it." I run to get a wet cloth and some bandages as I suddenly feel the need to take care of him. Walking back to my brothers, I roll up Edmund's trouser leg to look at his knee and I cringe when I see a cut accompanied by both new and old bruises, it might be worse than I thought.

"You're definitely Susan," Edmund remarks, smiling. I feel myself laughing a little at his words as I clean his wound. I can't remember the last time I laughed with them, it was refreshing, a much better feeling than watching him fly across the room, especially since it was my hand doing the throwing. I look over at Peter and notice the red marks around his neck. I feel my stomach sink; a feeling I used to ignore but know that I can't suppress it, ignoring that guilt is how Jadis was able to take over. I look down and watch myself wrap bandages around Edmund's knee.

"I'm sorry. For everything". I say, whispering avoiding eye contact as I finally finish tending his wound. I can feel my heart getting slightly warmer.

"It's alright Susan, we're just glad you're back." Peter says as I sigh and stand up only to walk a few paces, not wanting to look at them after what she almost did with my hands. It's a miracle they're still here.

"I shouldn't have let it happen in the first place." I say, feeling a tear wanting to run down my cheek but being so cold it turns to ice. "I can't believe I was so foolish as to think she was helping me live my life the way I wanted to, when in reality I was nothing but her puppet." I sit down on the couch as another tear escapes my eye, a shiver running down my spine. "I knew better than to listen to that witch, or at least I thought I did, but still I listened to her". I finally let out all the painful emotions that I'd been keeping suppressed. I'm not sure if I really want my brothers to see me like this but what does it matter now? Jadis has already told them everything I'd done; it's no use trying to hide from them now.

I feel a hand come to rest on mine. "I know." I hear Edmund say, firmly, softly, beside me. I look up at him and see the cold darkness in his eyes, speaking of a shameful past that holds many dark secrets and regrets that have haunted him for a long time. A past that looks an awful lot like my present.

I turn away and look back down at my feet. "Oh Edmund," I say sorrowfully as I came to finally realize that I'd basically chosen the same path Edmund had all those years ago even if the path I'd gone down was darker and more shameful than his had been. "How could I have done all this to you, Peter and Lucy? I said so many cruel and hurtful things to her, to you all really! I let myself fall for her false promises and did so many awful things as a result and I..." I cut myself off, burying my face in my hands, wanting nothing more than to run into my room and hide under my covers, never showing my face to another living soul.

 Peter sits on my other side and slipping an arm around my shoulders, guides my head to rest on his shoulder. Edmund grabs a hold of my free hand. "It's over, you're safe with us," Peter assures me. I'd like nothing more to believe him, but it's still so cold; I can still feel her chilling presence in my mind.

"She's still there, Peter. I may have broken through this time and I'm not sure how I did it, but it's only a matter of time before she regains control." I tell him as I start to shake at the thought of her taking over once again.

 "We won't let that happen Susan. We'll find a way to get her out." Peter states angrily, just like the heroic brother I'm starting to remember him being. "Maybe you should come with us to the station and go with Jill and Eustace when they go to the Wood Between Worlds and wait...".

"No!" I quickly interrupt his line of thinking as I get off the couch. "That's exactly what she wanted." I add as a shiver runs through me at the thought of Peter's plan.

"Susan we have to get Jadis out of your mind. If we have to use the rings to do that, then so be it. The important thing is that you're safe and she's stopped, once and for all". Peter argues. He may want to be heroic but he can't save me, this I know.

"She's too powerful, there's nothing you can do to stop her." I reply showing them my sorrow.

"You're right." Edmund says quietly causing both me and Peter to turn towards him. "But I think you know as well as we do that there's only one who can get the witch out of your mind," he adds firmly. I turn away from them knowing exactly who he's referring to, even worse is that part of me knows he's right. The lion's the only one who can defeat her. But, he's not here and he's long since abandoned me; he only really saw me as a pawn in his game.

 “I don’t know about that, surely there another way, “ I say as I start growing cold again, I know I’m running out of time before she regains control.

"Susan," Peter starts, probably trying to get me back into that game. True, Jadis lied about many things, but I know she was right about one thing.

 "Isn't it enough that we have each other? Do we really need to ruin it with that game?" I ask them, remembering how it'd caused nothing but pain. "After all, is being his pawn any different from being her host body? They both tried to make me their prisoner; if anything the lion's worse because he left me here," I added, knowing that they'd both lied to me.

"That's just what she wants you to think." Edmund answered calmly as he walked over to me. "And you know how she's the one who's been using you and telling you that's you're nothing but worthless. She's the one who acted like you, just so she could control you. But Aslan made you a queen because he loves you and knows that you're anything but worthless. Maybe he sent us back here so we'd learn that he loves us here just as much as he does in Narnia." Edmund looks me right in the eye, wanting me to see that he was speaking the truth. In reply, I turn and walk towards the window.

"But that's just it, he never cared about me!" I cry, looking down into the streets of London from my window. "After all, the lion can only have so much love. Someone who have to be left out; both of you and Lucy had always been special to him in that game, I was just another one of his pawns. Plus, he wouldn't want to save me now." I finish in a whisper remembering just what Jadis had told me years ago. She may have lied to me about many things, but if there's one thing she was truthful about, it was that the lion had never really loved me at all. My heart aches with more pain now than on the day she told me the truth, the day I learned the truth about him.

"Susan, you can't actually believe that; Aslan did a lot for you as well. He never forgets his chosen ones and that includes you. He even trusted you with one of the most prized possessions, the Horn. He always answers your prayers to keep both us and Narnia safe. He gave you a crown because he knew you'd treat everyone like you were their mother; and that's only to give you a few examples. He's done a lot for you during our time in Narnia, you just have to trust that he'll save you now," Peter states.

I can't, I say to myself as I feel the shivers going down my spine, my head pounding and making me feel faint. "Su!" I start to fall but my brothers catch me and help me to a chair, but my head still feels like ice. I can’t hold her back much longer.

"You should go," I tell them softly, not wanting them to be here when she regains control.

"No Susan, we won't leave you alone with her." Peter argues.

"Peter, I don't know how much longer I can hold her off. You both could be killed at my hands if she regains control. I don't want that to happen," I ramble.

"Which is why we have to get her out! Maybe you should come with us to meet the others; we'll give the rings to Jill and Eustace, then we can go meet Nancy for lunch and figure out how to get you to Aslan," Peter suggests.

"No Peter!" I interrupt him, as my heart starts to race listening to his plan. "I don't want to go meet the others; imagine what they'd say, seeing me again. I didn't leave them with the best impression. Worse, what if the witch takes over and kills you all? I won't let that happen," I state. Staring at them as a tear freeze to my face.

 "You can't fight her alone Susan. Especially now that you've managed to take back control; she'll torment you even more than she already has until you give in to her demands. You have to let us help you get to Aslan," Edmund warns me.

"I don't want his help, Edmund!" I yell even as my heart aches. "Even if I did, he wouldn't come; you heard what Jadis said! I belong to her now and there's nothing anyone can do to save me..."

 "NO!" Edmund interrupts me angrily. "Susan you're not the only one here who decided to obey her and was told you belong to her. Aslan took my place, she no longer had any control over me and she doesn't have any real power over you because Aslan has already..."

"You were only a child then," I snap, wishing they'd understand that I wasn't playing anymore of that Lion's game and that I'd lost at the Witch's game. "You didn't know who she was when you joined her. But I knew exactly who she was and still made a deal with her; I've been listening to her a lot longer than you did before realizing you were playing her game." I answer him firmly. I can see the tears forming in his eyes and watch as he swallows his sorrow, unable to let my words sink in.

"It doesn't have to be this way. Aslan's here, just waiting for you to let him save you." Peter pleads softly, also unwilling to accept my words. I can feel their sorrow for me, which is exactly the sorrow I feel for myself knowing that I'm condemning myself to a life of being Jadis' slave and fighting for control of my own body. But, I tell myself, I will do this. I can't risk her hurting any more of my family.

"It's too late for me Peter. I made my choice to be her host and I can't rely on a Lion who never loved me to begin with." I answer him, ignoring the part of me that wants to listen to him and go to the station and figure out a way to get rid of the witch. But their plan involves someone who's long forgotten me. I look briefly at my clock to see that it's eleven twenty. "You should probably go, I don't want you to miss their train".

They both stare at me for another moment, not wanting to leave me to my doomed fate. "She's right, we have to get Jill and Eustace to Narnia and the train station is a twenty minute walk from here" Edmund says coldly, looking at the same clock before limping his way towards the door. Peter just stands there as I watch a tear run down his cheek. It's strange because I can't remember ever seeing him cry.

Finally, he takes a few steps towards me and wraps his arms around me pulling me close. I can feel his tears dampening my cold shoulder making it even colder, but I don't say anything. "We love you Susan as do Lucy, mom and dad, Nancy and the rest of our family and friends. No matter what she tells you, you'll always have us and we'll save you from her if it's the last thing we do!" He cries as my own tears freeze on his shoulder.

I tighten my arms around him, not wanting to let go. Maybe they should stay here with me; I've already wasted more than seven years chasing after that glamourous life, when I could have been spending that time with them, why should I let them leave now? I ask myself this as my head starts to freeze a little, reminding me that she's still there. I let go of Peter and survey the red marks on his neck, remembering that I was the one who put them there.

“I care for all of you as well,” I tell him before I turn away and see Edmund standing by the door with a cold expression on his face, trying to hide his emotions from me, like I remember him doing whenever he was upset. But, I could always see the pain in his eyes, he never could hide his emotions there. Now they look as hurt as ever.

"Edmund," I start, wanting to hug him the same way Peter did me, but I could tell that was the last thing he wanted from me right now.

"I'm not the only one he died for, just as Narnia isn't the only world he died for. He's here too and he loves you more than all the other worlds out there. You don't have to be her slave. Trust me on this Susan, but even more importantly you need to trust Him". Edmund states, before opening my front door and leaving my flat.

Soon Peter comes with his bag to his side, I notice that he tied the strap to the bag, it severing as another reminder of why they had to leave. “Will come back later, you don’t have to fight this battle alone” Peter says softly I nod holding in my tears, as Peter joins Edmund.

I close the door once Peter and Edmund leave to meet the others. I close my eyes as a tear freezes on my face. I take a deep breath, almost wishing they could have stayed here with me, but they need to get to the station. _They’ll be safe there_ , I tell myself trying to ease my sorrow.

 _"For now",_  Jadis answered coldly, as I felt my heart beat with fear. " _You know, Susan, I really thought you'd have great use for my side but I guess there's more than one traitor in the Pevensie family"_. She added in her cold voice as I took another breath feeling both anger and fear at the sound of her voice.

"You lied to me; you made me think my family hated me!" I yelled angrily, holding back my frozen tears as I continued to feel her cold presence.

" _I merely told you that they only cared about making you go back to that game; is that not what they were doing, right before they left_?" Jadis asks. She has a point, but I know she just wants to regain her control over me. I wouldn't let that happen, I couldn't let her hurt them.

“I’m not listening to anymore of your lies!” I tell her in a shaky voice. “They’ve done nothing, but turn me away from the only people who actually love me!” I yell, wanting her to hear the anger in my voice though it's still shaky.  

" _Are you sure about that? Everything I've said is true and part of our deal was that you'd do what I say. You know what I'll do if you go against me"._  I swallowed my tears and took slow breaths, calming myself.

"I wasted seven years of my life trying to make my life glamorous, when I could have been making pancakes with Lucy or laughing for no reason at all with Edmund. I could've been having long talks with Peter or drinking tea and spending time with my parents. Instead, I let you talk me into pushing everyone away and missing many occasions; I even missed Peter's wedding because of you!" I tell her all this, wanting her to feel a bit of my anger.

_"I only gave you a chance to become a true queen, they were in the way."_

"You tricked me into letting you have control and you almost killed my brothers. I'm not going to let you do that again." I tell her causing her to give a cold laugh.

  _“Didn’t you just tell the little king he could not defeat me? You really think you can stop me Susan.”_ She tells me as my heart pounds in my chest as I take short breaths, her words echoing through my mind.

“I can-Ahh!” I yell as my head starts to pound and causes me to sink to my knees.

 _"You've forgotten Susan, I what I am doing now is mild compared to what I could still do to you. Once your brothers return and I get my hands on them, they will be nothing; nobody can stop me."_ she whispers as my headache grows. I glance at the clock which reads eleven fifty-five, _by now they'll be at the station, where they're out of harm's way,_ I remind myself. As long as I can keep focused on something, I might be able to keep her back. _I can’t let her have control, I can’t let her hurt my family_.   

 _“You forget I know all of your fears and I can make you relive them all,”_ Jadis' voice echoes as memories of sirens and accompanying explosions fill my mind and I can feel what I felt at that time before my siblings and I were sent to the professor’s.

 _"I'm sure you remember what the fear is like; knowing that your home could be gone at any moment, before any of your family had the chance to make it to safety. Even when you and your siblings were safe in that old man's mansion, your mother was still there while your father was in the middle of a war. I'm sure you didn't like not knowing what was happening to your parents. Just like you don't like not having control and being able to stop me."_  Jadis says.

My heartbeat speeds up as I remember the fear; I remember how scared I was at the time. She's right; I had no way of knowing whether my parents were safe at the time, and I..."No! That was a long time ago...I...I won't let you use it to control me," I answer back in a shaky voice.

 _“Well then, how about this: when your foolish little brother left to join me, he was just as foolish as you're being right now and of course I had to punish him for disobeying me. I know you've seen my memories, you've seen what he was made to suffer,"_  she says and my mind goes back to when I had a dream where I'd seen Edmund being tortured, the pain in his eyes and the sound of his cries as the whip hit his back. I push the memory away as I gaze at the bookcase that'd fallen on him earlier.

_"I promise that you'll suffer a lot worse than he did then and what he'll suffer once again"._

"Never! You've done worse to me by separating me from my family, you made me miserable for a full seven years." I shoot back at her, not wanting to think about what she still might do to me. _I have to fight her, I have to keep her away from them_.

“Ahh…” I yell as my head pounds harder and images speed through my mind; her wolves chasing me up a tree, bombs near my family's home, a prince who wanted to marry me by force, a younger prince runs off after hurtling insults at me. I pay attention to my breathing; trying to calm it as in my mind's eye I now see images of my siblings and I falling out of a wardrobe and get a glimpse of castle ruins. Each image makes my fear and uneasiness grow as does my ability to hold her back. "Stop this!" I cry out.  

 _"You foolish child, you know you can't stop me from showing you all your fear-filled memories, after all you're only a weak, pathetic human. That's what you were in that world and that is what you are here and now."_ she states. Lying on the floor, my breath is heavy but I slowly manage to get to my knees.

“I might be pathetic and weak, but I was still one of the four rulers who managed to overthrow you!" I argue. As long as my family is alive, I can't stop fighting her. “Ahh,” I scream falling back to the ground as I see image after image in my mind's eye; my father going to war, then Peter decked out in armor as he fights, then finally Edmund as he lays dying on the battlefield. I feel tears freezing on my cheeks as fear overcomes me.

 _"You were no help Susan, after all in the beginning you only complained about wanting to go home. You didn't fight in the war; you only got in the little king's way and you definitely didn't succeed in stopping the traitor from coming to me. You didn't even stop that ignorant child from discovering that world; you only watched as they suffered, they never needed you with them"._ She tells me as more tears fall down my face.

I don't know how much longer I can resist and hold her back. She's right, I was useless then and I'm useless now; _how can I defeat her?_ I sob as more images flood my mind, now images of Lucy, lying sick in bed before transforming into images of helpless Narnians on the wrong side of a closed gate. All these images were real events; and I couldn't stop any of them from happening. I needed my siblings here, I couldn't fight her anymore.

I hear a light knock at the door, I smile and go to open it. It must be Peter, Edmund and Lucy, maybe they've found a way to save me. I quickly open the door but get a surprise as instead of my brothers and sister, I see Nancy standing on the stoop, her eyes red from crying as tears continue to stream down her face. She looks as though she's losing her will to live.

"Susan," she says in relief, before wrapping her arms around me, crying into the same shoulder Peter had, only hours ago.  _Why is she here? Did Peter send her? I thought he was coming himself, with Edmund and possibly Lucy. Surely, they've given the rings to our cousin and friend by now._  I glance at the clock to see it is now almost two in the afternoon.  _I thought they'd be back by now._

She lets go of me and takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I just-" she stops, looking down at the floor as tears fall regardless of her efforts to stop them. "I had to see you; it's best if you hear it from me," she says softly.  _Hear what? Did they find a way to save me? Why is she crying like this? Where are my brothers?_  I glance behind her, half expecting them to be standing there with Lucy, telling me everything would be alright; they'd found a way to rid me of the witch before we'd all wrap our arms around each other and once again become the happy family we'd been years ago. But no, the only person there was a grieving Nancy.

“Tell me what? Why are you so upset, did Peter, Edmund, and Lucy come with you? Are they waiting for me outside? Have they found a way to save me?”  I ask eagerly, causing Nancy to stare at me through her tear-filled eyes.

"They're not with me, Susan. They couldn't be, they're all dead."


	23. Chapter 23

_What._ I froze in place, looking into Nancy's red face which dripped with tears. I felt as though Jadis had once again frozen my heart.

“I was waiting for them at this restaurant across from the station, when I heard this horrible sound. Running towards the station, I stopped only when a man in the crowd, telling me that the train had taken a sharp turn and derailed as it hit one of the platforms in the station." She said all of this rather quickly, not taking a breath, as though the words had been running through her mind, unsure if they were even true.

"I wanted to look at it myself and I saw the train burning, lying on its side, half on the platform..." She paused trying to catch her breath, sitting down on the couch where Peter had sat only a few hours ago. "It was horrifying, Susan. Peter and Edmund were on that platform and the rest of the friends of Narnia as well as your parents were all on that train," she finishes. I just stand there, listening to her speak, still unable to move, as though the world had stopped moving altogether.

 _"What was it you feared most? Was it not that one day everyone you hold dear would be gone and you would be left all alone in this cold world, I guess that day has finally come,”_ Jadis said calmly in my ear as though Nancy's words had been nothing more than everyday news. I could feel myself taking short, uneven breaths, while my hands shook as Jadis' words, _I guess that day has finally come_ , run through my mind.

 “No!” I yell, feeling icy tears escaping my eyes, as I try to regulate my breathing. "It's not true, it can’t be true," I add while pacing rapidly around the room.

"Susan." Nancy gets in my way to block my path as I turn around to resume pacing. "The train hit that platform head on! When the paramedics got there, they said it wasn't likely that many people on that train survived and it was even less likely for anyone on the platform." I look past her to the doorway still expecting my siblings to be there and put an end to what I'm seeing as Nancy's cruel joke and tell me that they'd found a way to save me from the witch.

“No,” I move away from her, heading towards my front door before turning back to face Nancy. "They were safe at the station. Peter said they'd come back here afterwards and that they'd find a way to save me from her!" I cry as my heart races like the train that Nancy's lying about. At least, it should be a lie.

"They're not coming back here, Susan!" Nancy cries, "They're gone and can't come back." She's almost as frantic as I am.

 "Why do you keep saying that? You know very well they're not dead, they're probably just outside, waiting for me."

 _"They're not there Susan. You're all alone now,"_  Jadis taunts me, as I see no sign of any of my siblings.

"Susan, I wouldn't lie to you about something like this; they were my family as much as they were yours".

“They were never your family and you never will be if you keep pretending like they're dead!" I scream, before turning back to the hall. She wouldn't utter those lies if she saw them as family, unless Peter put her up to it. "They're at the station, aren't they? Peter must have sent you here in order to convince me to go to them." I answer her before bolting out the door.

"Susan, wait!" I hear Nancy say before I reach the stairs though I don't stop to wait for her, I'd heard enough. I have to get to the station before the witch regains control, I tell myself as I bolt out of the building and onto the streets of London. I kept time with my racing heart as I ran to the station to see my siblings. We were always stronger together, I was confident that if we all worked on it we could figure out a way to get the witch out of my mind.

I smile, knowing that when I get there, I'll meet Peter, Edmund and Lucy with huge grins on their faces. Once we got rid of the witch and solved that problem, we'd embrace each other like we'd done so long ago in another place. Afterwards we'd spend the rest of our lives laughing, dancing and playing together; we'd be just like the family we'd been in Narnia and this time I'll make sure none of us fall apart.

I kept imagining what it would be like, wanting more and more to reach the station and feel their warm arms around me. Maybe even my parents would be there and then they'd be able to join the massive hug, just like we'd done that summer after meeting back up after spending months apart. I'd even be willing to let the professor, Ms. Plummer, our cousin Eustace and his friend join in, and then we'd really be whole. I'm so excited, I'm not at all tired from running so far, not letting anyone or anything stop me.

I reach the station to see a big crowd, the air filled with left-over smoke from a fire and policemen keeping the crowd back. It's almost like a war zone. I stand there for a moment, observing the scene, my shattered heart sinking ever lower in my chest. _"I guess the imposter was right. It's time for you to accept that you're all alone..."_

 _No! They're alive!_  I run into the crowd. "Peter!" I shout, hoping to find him in the crowd observing the scene. "Edmund!" I call louder, desperately searching for them, though with everyone around me talking at once, I'm not sure they'd hear me. "LUCY!" I cry louder still, but there's still no sign of my siblings. My heart pounds, my hands shaking as I desperately search for the people who only ever truly matter. I continue to shout their names as I fight my way to the front of the crowd. I watch firefighters work together as they try to lift the train's engine while policemen and paramedics are busy saving those who were injured and trying to identify those who'd been killed.

I look over to where they're lining up the bodies, off to the side. At first, I can't make out who they are, but then in the middle of the line I notice a strand of golden hair the same shade as... No! My heart skips a few beats. "LUCY!" I scream, running towards her.

“Miss, you can’t cross the barrier,” I hear an officer say, but I don’t let him stop me from reaching my sister.  I kneel at her head and look at her hair and face covered in dust from all the smoke. I slowly brush my hair over her numb face, getting her hair out of the way.             

“I’m here now, Lucy.” I whisper softly, looking down at her peaceful face which was complete with what almost looked like a smile, almost like she was in her favorite place. She must be having a lovely dream, I tell myself. “You can wake up now Lucy, I’ve come back, and this time I’m here to stay. But you have to wake up, so we can find Peter and Edmund, and you can help free me from the witch!" I tell her, but she just lay there on the concrete. I cup my hand on the side of her cold face “Lucy please! I didn’t mean what I said the other day, you, Peter and Edmund mean more to me than any party or fancy job. I'm ready to be the family we were in Narnia, but you have to wake up for us to be that family."

"Miss, you can't be over here," an officer says to me.

"No. I have to wake my sister up," I tell him as I feel Lucy's lifeless hand.

"I'm sorry, but your sister isn't sleeping." He tells me as I look down at her face once more before turning to look at the people beside her and recognize them as the professor, Ms. Plummer, Eustace and his friend, who's name I never bother to remember. A little further down I spy my Mom and Dad all just as cold and lifeless as Lucy. "I'm very sorry for your loss," he adds as I notice the paramedics add two more young men to the lineup, wearing the same clothes as Peter and Edmund were wearing just a few hours ago. My heart sinks deeper into my chest as the world starts to seem as though it were all a dream, one I couldn't wake up from.

 _"It looks like they're dead after all. You truly are left alone in the world,"_  Jadis says causing shivers to run down my back. I take a deep breath, I can almost hear the laughter in her cold voice as cold tears freeze to my face. Standing back a bit I look at what used to be the Friends of Narnia, they're all nothing but corpses lying on the ground of a filthy train station now. 

 _You did this. You're the reason they're dead!_ I say in my mind.

_"Really Susan, I was nowhere near that train. Though...they didn't all have to die. If you'd had your brothers stay just a little bit longer..."_

"No." I start to feel sick to my stomach as I turn my attention to where they'd just laid my brothers who'd been at my home just hours ago.

"Miss," I look back at the officer as Jadis' words run through my mind. "Miss, could you maybe tell me your sister's name, and maybe the people she was sitting with?" I vaguely hear the officer ask, but I just get up and walk down the line to where my brothers are. If you'd have gotten your brothers to stay just a little longer, Jadis' _words run through my mind as I look down at my brothers'_ cold, almost smashed faces, far worse than any of the others. What have I done? I let a tear fall before turning away and running out of the station. "Miss!" The officer yells after me but I can't turn back. I can't look at their cold faces anymore.

I run down the street, tears freezing as I run to who knows where. I just have to get away from my so call glamorous I let the witch deceive me with, get away from this cold place where nothing but worthless. I need to get away from this place where I’m forever separated from everyone who ever cared about me.

"Ahh!" I scream as I fall to the ground after tripping on the sidewalk, wheezing after having run so far and long, I can feel my scour knees aching along with my cold aching heart.  _I can’t do this anymore._  I think to myself as I sit alone in the dark shadow of a building. Looking up I see a small stone church with lovely stain glass windows shining in the afternoon sun.

I find myself getting up and walking up the steps to the church. Opening the door, I head into the empty sanctuary, heading to the far wall. Reaching it, I sink to my knees, my face numb from all my tears, as I take a few deep breaths. _They're done, there’s nothing left, I’m all_ alone I tell myself repeatedly, feeling the emptiness of my shattered heart. It was as though my once stone-cold heart had been ripped out and smashed onto the floor. I want to scream, it hurts so much, but I'm too tired to even do that.

 _"It must hurt to have your worse fears come alive, but don't worry Susan; you won't feel a thing once I freeze your heart again."_ Jadis says calmly I just sit against the wall as it happens.

 _There's no point in fighting anymore_ I tell myself as I feel my heart growing colder.


	24. Chapter 24

**September 16, 1949**

**I sit against a cold stone wall, staring at the back of a pow in the empty chapel. I’m not sure how long I’ve been or why I walk into a church, not that it matters it just a building and no one  in here. I’m just lucky someone left the door unlocked. I tell myself as I listen to my heart beat slowly harden, it hurt so much.**

**_“It won’t be long now, you’ll never feel hurt ever again,”_ ** **Jadis tells me as she freezes my longing heart. It is longing for something that is forever lost.**

**Another tear runs down my frozen cheek as I see the broken faces of brothers as they lay steal on the ground of the train station.  I can feel my sister’s cold hand in mine as look at the shell of what use to be my baby sister. I see my parent’s who faces are just as cold, and then the Professor, Aunt Polly, my cousin, and…and…oh I wish I bother to learn her name. Not that it really matters any more.**

**_“All you those you thought loved you have left you,”_ ** **Jadis says as I feel my heart crake, I would scream, but I use it by now. Besides I’m too tired to stop her, and there’s no one left to fight for.**

**The worst part is I spend so much time with my job and keeping up with the last fashion that I treated them in the most horrid ways. Not just them, but I was horrid to those I called friends and to people I didn’t even know. I stood and watch as they screamed, I laugh as their tears fell, and I didn’t care. I wanted to regain the life of a Queen, and no one was going to stand in my way.**

**Now I have to live the rust of life as a prisoner in my own body, while Jadis clams this world this as her only. Making slaves and destroying all who won’t bend to her will, no doubt there well be another great war that fathers and sons will fight with their every breathe, while mothers lay on a bed full of tears hoping for loves ones to return. Children will be sent away, older brothers will try stand strong, little brothers lash out, little sisters will fail to find joy in darkest places, and older sisters will only watch. Bombs will fall, building will burn, and rivers run with blood of brave solders.**

**Jadis will offer her false promise and cause families and love ones to turn on each other maybe even kill                   each. She’ll gather her follower, place herself approve all, and destroy every aspect of life that doesn’t fear her, and she’ll do this utile there’s nothing left. Then she gathers the rings from my brother’s corpses and do the same to another world, all while having my face.**

**I swallow my icy tear turn to look at a table in the back out of church. There a pair of scissors it looks sharp each to… I put my hand on my heart, Jadis can’t take over, if there no one to take over.**

**_“Go a head Daughter of Eve either you lose,”_ ** **Jadis tells me as I stand to my feet, staring at the shape end of the scissors**

**_“_ ** **It doesn’t matter, I can’t let you hurt anyone with my hands _”_ I tell her walking toward the table a reach out to grab the s scissors. My hand shake as I up pick the scissors, I can hear my heart racing, I swallow my tears looking at the pointed end. **

**_“What are you waiting Susan, strike yourself and see what happens when you do”_ ** **Jadis tell as my grows colder and shivers run through me. My hand shake rapidly as I pull the objected closer to my cheats. _it well be over soon_ I tell myself and I feel another tear froze to my face as my hand draws the scissors my heart. shut my eyes hopefully it will be quick.  **

**“squeak, squeak” I hear from the other side of the** sanctuary **. I open my eyes turn toward the sound and quietly move close to front where there’s a pulpit with a book on and to the right of it stood a wood cross which seem to the score of the sound. I look down to see a tiny culture at the feet of a wooden cross. _Why it just a mouse_ I tell myself hearing something metal hit the floor startling the small creature, and I watch him run away or a try to, but him to be stumbling over himself as though he couldn’t keep himself up. It was very piacular sight, I walk close to it and gasp when notice the back end of the mouse. **

**He was missing his tail.  I couture watching stare as stumble away, and the further he when away the more he stumbled. I can’t stop watching him there was something about him that seem so foramiller. I walk closer as it falls to side. I bind down and gentility pick him.**

**“I guess it hard for balance without a tail.” I tell the little mouse, walking a little way from the front of the chapel “Reepicheep was right about the importance of a tail.” I add before stopping, _Reepicheep? The violent mouse? Why am I thinking about him all of a sudden?_ I look down at the tailless mouse sniffing my hand. I can’t help but remember the brave mouse who wore a crimson feather on his ear and sword at his side, and though he was small, but it didn’t stop he from taking down the **Telmarines. **He wasn’t investable, I remember he was wound in battle and Lu…Lucy gave him a drop of her cordial and he was heal or almost. The cordial couldn’t give him a new tail, someone gave it to Reep. My heart sinks thinking about the lion, I should grab the scissor and finish what I started, but at the same time I couldn’t but think of him.**

_Not for the sake of your dignity, but for the love that is between you and your people_

**his voice echoes of the words he told Reep before giving him a tail, I forgotten how deep and strong it was yet it was calming and gentile, it use to make me feel safe. I sigh petting the little mouse as my heart bets slower. I should garb scissor before she takes over, I don’t have time to think about someone whose forgotten all about me.**

_and still more for the kindness your people showed me long ago when you ate away the cords that bound me._

**I put the mouse down on next to the cross and the lion words echo in my mind. I remember I was amazed how he remember the small act the little mice did for him at that table though it happened over a thousand years prier and wasn’t even… a live. Yet somehow, he still remembers them and not just them, but he remembers the old Narnians when they were taken over by the** Telmarines. He was there in the end and maybe the whole time or that’s what Lucy and the others believed.  

 _He never forgets his chosen ones and that includes you_.

**Peter voice echo in my mind, I sigh letting another tear fall and put my hand on my shoulder. Maybe Peter was right the lion has been there for not just the Narnians and others in that world.**

**_“But that was the other world, he has long abandon you to this world and if he was here would he let your preush family die and leave you to suffer?”_ ** **Jadis says, causing my heart to ache and I turn back to the scissor and try once more to end this pain. Oh why do bother thinking about that childish game, it’s the reason for all of this pain, it the reason my family’s gone! I cry holding the scissor.**

_I know it hurts_ I hear Edmund voice in my mind as tear freeze on me _. I know you think it's easier to forget, because then there's no reason for there to be any pain at all, this world may seem harsh, especially after the war, and in the coming years it'll probably get worse with seemingly no hope. But, even Narnia had wars and times of war. It is the same as our world; nothing is perfect_ it counties

“Maybe true Edmund, but he’s not here and he never loved me,” I cry drawing the scissor closer.

 _That's not true and you know it_ Lucy’s voice takes it turn in my mind _Aslan has always been there for us. Even when it doesn't seem like he's there. Don't you remember during our second visit when we met him in the forest, don't you remember what he said to you? He told you to let go of your fears, and you let him take care of them. Don't you think maybe he wants you let go of your fear here, so that he can take care of them in this world as he did in Narnia._

“Lucy…your not even alive anymore.” I say going to my knees with the scissors about to peruse the fabric of my dress. “He not here!” I cry

 _He said he was in this world, too, we just need to figure out his name. He's still with us, Susan_ Peter voice adds as I lower the scissors.

“Where Peter! Why can’t I see he!”

_It’s best to keep your eyes open_

I hear the voice of the professor from long go and I take a deep breathe look at that chapel. There isn’t much to it just eight rows of pews on each side and in the front, was the stage with the pulpit with the book a tub in the bath or I think that what, I haven’t been in a church in long time. I look up at Stan glass windows that bought light into the room, there were three of them, the two on the side were lovey designs of colored glass, mostly yellows and greens. The middle window was a picture of a man with a light behind and he had open arms as he were waiting for a hug. His eyes were gentle, sad and lovely, they look as though they carried weight of whole world and he would carried if it meant he could be those he loved. I’ve seen eyes like them before, their just like Asl….

“Aslan?” I ask as I drop the scissors a hear another squeak from mouse, but I can’t take my eyes off the window. My heart pound harder, but its not aching for my family, I almost feel excited. _Could it really be him, is he here?_

“Ahh” I scream as head pounds

 _“Dose it changes anything if that cursed lion is here? After all your family is still died and he done nothing but leave you alone in this world”_ Jadis say as shiver run through me.

_She right, it doesn’t change…_

” No, he’s here, he won’t let regain control, Ahh!” I feel my breathing getting heaver as I go back to my knees.

 _“Haven’t I already had full control once before? Was he around to stop me, has not shown that you where nothing but a pawn in that other world?”_ Jadis tell me as my heart grows colder and my feel more and more like ice every minute.

It won’t be long before she has control _Oh Aslan, please come if you’re there at all._ I say or I guess pray.

“Susan” I hear a gentle voice from the distinct or I think I hear it, but I could have imagined it.

_“Even if he is in this world, would he want to save you? After all, you’ve proven yourself to be as cold as I. Haven’t you agreed to do follow me, do you not belong to me?”_

Tear freeze to my face, my heart is almost solid, my head is pounding, and my ear are ringing. She right I’m no better than her, and I can’t go back on that right?

“Susan”

_“He wouldn’t want to save now, he never cared for you,”_

She right he never loved me why he wants to save me, he never loved me, I’ve done nothing but mock for seven years. I should just accept that I’m doom to be her prisoner. I take more short breaths and my heart freezes. I fall face first, I can’t fight her, am I           

“You have listened to your fears, child.” Says the deep calming Voice much louder then before.

“Aslan?” I mumble though it may just be another echo.

“I’m no echo”

“Aslan is really you?” I ask as my head continue to pound.

“Yes, I am away here for you, daughter” He says, I want to smile, but my lips are so numb it hurt to move them. “now you must listen carefully, there’s not much time. You must let go of your fears,” he tells me.

 _My fears,_ I say to myself, my heart almost feel like stone and I can’t feel lags. Jadis is well soon regain control.

 _“I told you the lion only wants you in his control, do really think he’s here to save you, he’s just going to make you another one of his pawns,“_ the witch tell me as tears freeze to my face, as her words run through my mind. _No…your wrong,_ I tell her, though my head is pounding I’m not sure how long I keep her back.

“Let go Susan,” Aslan says, his voice much louder than before “Stop trying fight her,”

I take many short breathes listening to his words, _stop fighting her, but if do that she’ll take over_

 _“He never love you, he’s not even going to stop me from taking over. He didn’t never stop that train from taking your family,”_ Jadis remind as I try not to listen,

_I can’t let her have control, I can’t let her win. I can’t… Oh Aslan why have you done this to me, why are you letting her control me? Why did you take my family away, why did you take my kingdom from me? Is the witch right in saying you never loved me? I am doom to live life alone in my own body, while she has control?_

“Susan, you were not made to live this life alone, I am here for you beloved. Let me take care of the witch for you,” He tell me, as my heart beats slowly and I become more and more numb, and I can barely breathe as I lay here staring at the floor. “You have to trust me, beloved,” 

 _Trust him?_ After everything that’s happen, should I just trust him? Did he not banish me to this world? Did he not take my family away? Did he not die for my little brother? Did he not make my older brother High King? Did he show my sister that she could be brave? Did he not remember the mice at the stone table or any of the Narnia in times of suffering? Did he not answer my prayers to keep my sidings safe when they rode off to war, was he not there for me then, is he not here now?            

 _“It will be over soon, and you’ll be mine forever. No one will want to save you,”_ Jadis laughs, she voice just as smooth and icy as always. I can feel my heart turning into ice and I can’t most of my muscles.

 _It alright though, its not my fight anymore._ I tell myself and let my heart freeze and stop try her to keep her back. _I trust you_ I say as everything drift into darkness.  


	25. Chapter 25

I open my eyes to see the wooden floor and I take a few slow breaths. The ice that had covered me just moments ago, was quickly fading and being replaced by something warm, as though it was the first day of spring. It's a lovely feeling after being cold for so long, though I am a bit lightheaded. Had everything that happened been a dream?  
Maybe it was, I think to myself as I look around the empty church. I sit up when I see a large figure sitting in the light of the windows. My heart pounds as I look at his gold mane, shining in the light; obviously what had happened was no dream. I see his eyes are filled with a kind of joy, like he'd been waiting for this moment. It was a Joy that was greater than any kind of power or glamour that the witch had tempted me with. It was the kind of Joy I used to have a long time ago, joy I wish I could have again.   
Not bearing to looking into those eyes, I put my head down, letting my tears melt the frozen ones on my face as they fall to the floor. I hear him come closer to me; I can now see his paws right in front of me. I squeeze my eyes even tighter, my mind consumed with memories of the eight years thinking he had abandoned me to this world. Seven of those years I spent my time rejecting him and maybe even hating him; yet he was still here, he'd still saved me. I should have known he’d save me; Lucy, Peter, Edmund and others knew he would.   
“Child, I have come to see you, why do you hide your face from me?” he asks, as I let out another sob, wanting nothing more than to bury my face in his mane, but I've done   
I turn my head to look at his paws. “Aslan, I've done so much wrong I don't even deserve to be in your presence." I tell him as I listen to the soft drumming of my heart.  
"Nonsense Child. I've been here for you the whole time; why would you ever doubt me?" He replies. I take a deep breath as my heart sinks. I study his golden paws that could easily tear me apart in seconds, or just as easily protect me. He truly was there and saw everything, I tell myself. He saw me in my boss's arms and he saw me push my family away. He probably shared their disappointment and turned his head away in sadness when I told the witch to freeze my heart.   
"I'm sorry Aslan", I say softly. How could I be so blind? I ask myself. "I shouldn't have listened to her, it's just everything she said...seemed true at the time and I thought you'd abandoned me to this world, away from you," I add, keeping my gaze on his paws.  
“Susan,” He says, and I find myself lifting my head to look into his big eyes, which were filled with love and sadness. "I did not send you back to this world to be separate from you, but so that you might learn to know me in this world, from which you were born." He added, calming my fear. I'm finally starting to feel less lonely.  
"I think I'm starting to understand, but why did you make me a Queen and give me a kingdom, if you were going to take it away?" I ask him.   
"Child, was there any part of your reign that was about only having gold and not serving my people? Is the fact that I gave you riches the only reason you chose to follow me?" Aslan asks me. I hang my head. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him that, but after everything the witch told me about Aslan and how unfair he was, I just...I don't know. "I know the witch told you many things about ruling and the effects of the power of fear. I know it would give you great riches and authority over others, but know also that it would leave you unsatisfied and alone. You'd never have found the joy that you seek."   
"Yes, I see that now, it's just the witch told me so much about you that I was no more than a pawn and that you didn’t care for me.” I state, my heart pounding as I stare at the floor. I know Jadis lied when she said those things, but I can't help but ask anything and everything, just to hear the truth from his lips. Suddenly I feel something warm and wet on my forehead; I look up into his magnificent eyes.  
"Susan, you are worth more to me than you will ever know. I knew you before you were born and have loved you ever since. Understand Susan, that everything I've done has been for you, both in that world and in this one," he tells me. I smile at hearing those words out loud and I feel my heart beating faster, not out of fear but excitement. I know now that Aslan is always with me. I can't wait to tell Lu... I stop smiling and lower my gaze once more. "There's more you'd like to know child?" He asks after a moment of silence.  
"My family, Aslan?" I ask as a tear makes its way down my cheek. I want to say more, I want to know why they had to die and why I'm left here alone, but the words only turn into tears. I look up into his eyes to see if they hold any answers, but all I see is that he understands my pain, yet there is also a glimmer of joy in his eyes.   
"Nothing in this world is certain, Susan. Even the world you knew as Narnia has passed away." My eyes widen as my heart sinks, I take a deep breath to calm myself as more tears fall. Is it not bad enough to know that my family and the rest of the Friends of Narnia are dead, but to know that Narnia itself is... gone? Why must I suffer so much loss? "But don't let it distress you child. Though they are gone from here, they now live elsewhere," Aslan says.  
“Are they in your country?” I ask, remembered that I'd heard about it long ago; how it was a place beyond the end of the world, or I guess in this world it would be known as Heaven. I've heard that it was a place of pure joy where the deceased live on. I used to dream of going there, but I was never sure if it truly existed.   
“Yes Susan.” My tears stop as I picture them all dancing in his fields and having the merriest of times. His Country must be a beautiful place, probably even better than Narnia on its loveliest day. Now my siblings, parents and the rest of Narnia's friends get to stay there forever. They must be happy there.   
"Can I go there Aslan, just to see them?" I ask softly, though after listening to the witch and rejecting him I don’t deserve to go to such a place.   
“One day, you shall join them, and there will be great rejoicing on that day. However, I cannot take you there now, your time has not yet come.” He tells me as I lower my gaze to the floor.  
“But what do I have left in this world?” I ask. "All the family I had is gone."

“Not all of them, you still have one sister and an aunt and an aunt and uncle who have lost just as much as you have and still more you have yet to discover."  
"You mean Eustace's parents and Nancy." I groan saying her name. I know I shouldn't be angry with any of them, but my Aunt and Uncle have never shown any interest in me and Nancy...why does Aslan even bring her up? It's not like she's married to Peter anymore.  
"Susan, your friend has shown you and your family great love and she made a covenant with your brother in this very room. In doing so, she became one with him and became a member of your family. Although the marriage was short and has ended, she is still a member of your family and needs comfort now. Though they won't show it your Aunt and Uncle are in great pain and even if they won't accept my help or even yours, they still need it." I listen to Aslan, sighing as he finishes speaking.   
"I'll try, Aslan," I tell him. I know he's right. Aunt and Uncle are horrid and set in their ways but at the same time I haven't been the most pleasant person to be around and they did just lose their only child. As for Nancy, well she did just lose her husband.  
"I know you will, my daughter. Just remember that I am with you and will never leave you beloved," he answers. I smile, feeling my heart leap with joy and I find myself doing what I've been wanting to do for years. I stand up and throw my arms around Aslan, burying my face in his mane.   
"I won’t to forget this time," I tell him as I listen to him purr. For the first time in years I feel whole.


	26. Chapter 26

**September 19, 1949**

 

I sit in the back of the cab beside Nancy, looking out at the familiar street where I lived as a child. The place holds so many happy memories of my early childhood, as well as some rather unpleasant ones. However, right now it's calm, there are no children playing outside and the trees are still. There was no sound, except the engine of the car. It seems sad, yet peaceful; as though there'd been a huge storm just moments before we arrived on the street. It's rather nice coming back here, though I wish I were coming back for a reason other than to look through my family's things and clean out the pantry and icebox.

After my conversation with Aslan, I went back to the train station where Nancy had been searching for me. I apologized to her right then, which she quickly accepted. Once we spoke to an officer and identified my family's bodies, we made our way back to my flat, where we ate dinner over which I told Nancy about what Aslan had told me and reassured her that everyone was happy in Aslan's Country. The following day we went to her home, which was closer to Finchley, where we were visited by her parents and a minister whom I'd talked to a lot, and not just about the funeral.

I also wired my Aunt and Uncle whom I got to agree to burying Eustace in Finchley alongside my parents and siblings. Doing that, we could have both funerals at the same time and Eustace would have more people honoring his life. Although I wish I could have found some way to have the other friends of Narnia's funeral in Finchley, but I know I can’t keep them from being buried with their families. 

"Here we are, m'ams." The cabby interrupts my thoughts as the car comes to a stop in front of a house that radiates the same calmness as the street, though it seems darker, somehow. I look over at Nancy who turns to face me, eyes filled with tears. She sighs as we get out of the cab. I pay the driver before Nancy and I slowly make our way into the house.

I take a deep breath as I unlock the front door. Walking into the house, we go into the family room which looks nice and well-kept; there was no dust on the end table or on the fireplace. Mother must have cleaned the house before she and Father left for their holiday; she never liked coming home to a messy house. I used to love helping to keep the house clean and when she had to work during the war, I made sure she always came home to a clean house just so I could see the grateful smile on her face. I feel a single tear run down my cheek. I miss her so much.

“Susan?” I hear Nancy say. I turn towards her. "Are you sure you can handle this? We can always come back another day," she suggests as I see a tear running down her cheek as well.

"No I'll be fine; I was just remembering," I tell her. She tries to smile, but only bursts into tears causing herself to trip and fall. "Nancy!" I run over to her and get her up, helping her over to the couch. I hand her a handkerchief from my pocket. "If you'd rather leave, we can. I know the past few days haven't been easy for you either," I assure her.

Nancy sighs. "It's alright. It's better that we're here now before all the food spoils," she answers me after having composed herself. "Maybe you should take a look around the house. I'll rest here for a bit; I'm feeling a bit woozy." I nod and leave her sitting on the couch, knowing she's been quite ill since the accident. This morning I found her in her washroom with her head in the toilet. She felt better after a few minutes though I think she's taking their deaths so hard the poor dear is making herself sick.

I take one of the boxes Nancy brought with her and go into my parents' room. There I find my dad's old watch sitting on their bureau beside a picture of him and my mother on their wedding day. Father looked so handsome, a big smile on his face as he gazed at my mother who wore a lovely lace dress with a long white train. She was smiling back at my father, both looking very happy to face a new adventure. Its good they went together, I tell myself as I place the picture in the box.

As I move to the end table beside their bed, I see a journal there. I get closer and realize that what I thought was a journal was in reality the scrapbook my siblings and I made for my mum one Christmas during the war. A tear runs down my cheek as I recall the look of joy on Lucy's face when I agreed to help her make the book. With that thought in mind, I deposit the book in the box beside the wedding photograph and my father's watch.

I leave my parents' room and go upstairs to Lucy's room. It used to be my father's den, before I made Lucy move out of my room. I opened her door to see a half-made bed, a few blouses, hanging from her dresser, her desk crowded with journals, pencils and paint brushes. I can't help but smile; Lucy was always so busy fantasizing she'd forget to clean up after herself. I walk over to her desk to flip through the journals. They're filled with drawings of Narnia; there's Cair Paravel, Beaversdam, a picture of Mr. Tumnus at Lantern Waste; one drawing of Corin when he was a toddler, a few more of islands I don't recognize and finally, one of Lucy and I splashing each other in the river. It had tear stains all over it; Narnia meant so much to her, I can't imagine the amount of pain she was in after my rejection of it.

 Putting the journal in my box, I make my way to my brothers' room, or I guess it's just Edmund's since Peter had gotten married. His room is even messier than Lucy's, I note he hadn’t bothered to make his bed and there are t-shirts all over the floor. On the end table I see a half-finished Sherlock Holmes novel sitting beside his Electric Torch. It's a good thing it wasn't his first time reading it, I tell myself as I pick the Torch up. Ed was so excited when he got his first torch on his eleventh birthday; it was as special to him as my bow and horn were to me. It was only fitting that he'd left it there.     

I put the torch in the box then pick it up and g to meet Nancy downstairs. Before reaching the stairs, I stop outside my bedroom for the second time. After a few seconds' pause I open the door to see my clean room, bed made and nothing out of place. I spy my wardrobe full of lovely dresses and outfits that were fashionable a year ago. I walk over to my desk, after putting the box down. It's covered with fashion magazines and discolored jewelry. Reaching out, I pick up a yellowish pearl necklace

It's strange to be back here. I thought the house would make me feel out of place like it did, the last time I was here. But no, I can't feel out of place in my own home. Yet this room...it doesn't even feel like my room. I may have bought everything in it, and it may look a lot like my flat, but nothing here feels like it belongs to me, at least not now.

I put the necklace down and pick up my box when I see a book lying on my nightstand. Strange, I don't remember reading any books before I left. I put the box back down and reach for the book, only to see that it's a bible.  _I definitely wasn't reading that_ , I tell myself as I flip it open.

_TO: Susan Pevensie, Aslan's beloved Queen._

_FROM: Peter Pevenise, your loving older brother._

_DATE: September 7, 1942_

_Susan, this world may never be our true home, and we may never go home again, but Aslan said that he would never leave us. The Professor gave me four bibles. I'm hoping that they'll help us learn about Aslan in our world so that maybe we won't feel so lost and alone here._

_-Peter_

I smile, wishing I'd read this a long time ago, maybe I wouldn't have listened to Jadis as easily as I did. I take a dep breath and look around the room filled with make-up, fancy clothes and discolored jewelry; all things I'd let Jadis tempt me with. I was stuff I'd become obsessed with, and as a result...I close my eyes. I should have read this a lot sooner, maybe I wouldn't have listened to her. I look back down at the bible, smiling as I put it in the box and leave my old room. I guess I'll never know what would have happened if I'd read it sooner, but at least now I can read and do other things without Jadis butting in on my every thought.

I head back downstairs and into the kitchen with the box in my arms, just as Nancy puts a piece of chocolate in her mouth as she continues to set the table, a plate of chocolate and red onions already on it. She may have been sick but it certainly hasn't cost her, her appetite. “Was there a lot of food left?” I ask as I enter the room.

"Nothing that will spoil easily. I'm sure your parents didn't want anything to go bad while they were gone," she tells me before biting into an onion, which is an odd thing to have with chocolate, although she's had several odd food choices these last few days, I remind myself as I set the box down on the table before taking a seat at the table. "Did you get everything that you wanted to keep?" she asks, after a moment's silence.  

 "I grabbed a few small things that I want to keep," I answer as she takes another bite of the chocolate. "I also found this in my old room; Peter must have left it there." I pull out the bible and show it to Nancy who smiles.

"Yes, Peter told me that you'd asked him to hold onto it and once he realized you weren't coming back, he put it in a box and set it aside. Lucy and Edmund convinced him to keep it and he did. All three of them kept hoping that one day you'd ask for it back," Nancy told me. I feel a tear running down my cheek as I stare at the book. "But when you left the Christmas party, they lost all hope of you ever wanting it back. Although Lucy," she smiled. "She was so sure that you'd come back, she put the bible on your night stand and stayed up all night waiting for you. They all did," she adds. I sigh as I look down at the floors tiles..

"I'm sorry for how I behaved; I shouldn't have said all those things about you," I say quietly. Over the last few days we've never really talked about that party, focused more on the funerals and all the arrangements in regards to that. I haven't said much about why I listened to Jadis and purposely hurt my family and friends. I've only apologized for doing what I did and thanked Aslan for freeing me from the Witch. That freedom was all that really mattered to me.

Nancy grabs hold of my hand that's currently resting on the table. "You've already apologized Susan. I know now that you weren't yourself and that the witch was the one influencing you."

"Yes, but I'm the one who listened to her for seven years and a lot of harm was caused because of me," I state. Nancy watches me in silence, as though she wanted to understand what I'd been through, though fell short of fully understanding what it's been like. "I can't blame Jadis for all of my mistakes as much as I'd like to," I add.

"I can't imagine what it must have been like; to have someone else in your mind, telling me constantly that my family and friends were against me. No wonder it seemed like you were going mad." She was still trying to understand. "Sorry, I didn't mean to call you mad."

I laugh. "It's alright. I spent the last seven years taking orders from the dark spirit of a witch who died long ago in another world; I'm sure I sounded quite mad, especially when I went on and on about my 'glamorous' life and fancy clothes." I smile as Nancy giggles.

"Oh yes, and how you were the Lord Chesterfield's personal secretary and were getting invited to the finest parties in England." She mocks. I smile though the thought of my former boss makes me cringe. I hate how I let him lust over me like some wild animal. I can't believe I used to throw myself at wealthy men, or should I say pigs; selfish, cruel and filthy pigs that I let use me. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me want to take a long bath until my fingers wrinkles; maybe then I'd feel clean again.

"I was so foolish, honestly it makes me sick to think of how far I let myself go," I tell her, calmly getting up from my seat and going to the cupboard to get myself a cup so I could get myself a cup of the tea Nancy made. "But at least it's over now and I can assure you; I won't let it happen again," I add firmly before taking a sip of my tea.

Nancy smiles. “I’m glad, I really missed you, the real you that is. Although evil Susan did have a great sense in fashion,” I choke on my tea laughing.

"I'll have you know, Nancy Martin-Pevensie, that I, Susan Pevensie, have always had a great sense of fashion, long before I listened to the false queen of Narnia. And I will have a great sense of fashion until it makes me look as elegant as a man wearing a bathing suit in the middle of winter." I say, making my voice sound as pompous as it did before, causing Nancy and I to go into a laughing fit that seemed to last hours though it was really only a few minutes. It didn't really matter; we were both having a lot of fun.

I can even see tears in Nancy's eyes, she can't seem to hold them back. I take out my handkerchief and hand it to her as her tears spill. "Thanks," she wipes her eyes. "Sorry, I don't know what's gotten over me. It must be the onions." She adds as I glance down at her plate.

"Well onions are a rather odd choice to pair with chocolate". She laughs again before wiping the tears that continue to flow down her cheeks.

It's strange, I remember Nancy hating the taste of onions, I'm not sure why she would choose to eat onions with chocolate of all things, though she's had a peculiar appetite the last few days. Yesterday she only wanted to eat peanut butter and blueberries; the day before she'd ate pickles and ice cream which was almost as strange as what she was eating now. The strange appetite as well as the on and off sickness reminded me of the girl who'd gone to the same party I did; she'd also had similar cravings and had gotten sick a lot. Although that was before she found that she was with child, I think to myself as I'm about to take another sip of my drink. Then I stop as my previous thought runs through my mind again. I glance at Nancy who's fiddling with her wedding ring,  _Could it be?_

“Nancy can I ask you a rather personal question?” She nods. “When was the last time you had your period?” I ask, causing her to stop playing with her ring and stare at her plate for a while.

“I don’t know,” she says, "Well, I know I had one a few months ago, before I..." Her eyes widen as she looks down at her ring then her stomach before turning to me. "You don't think?" I feel a grin spread across my face; soon enough we're both laughing and hugging our arms around each other. I couldn't be happier that Peter had married my best friend.                            

"We are here today to honor the lives of David Richard Pevensie, his wife Helen Abigail Pevensie, their children Peter Matthew Pevensie, Edmund James Pevensie, their daughter Lucy Rose Pevensie and their nephew Eustace Clarence Scrubb. They were all taken from us too soon." The minister continued to talk about my family and the unfortunate circumstances that had led to their deaths.          

Nancy and I stand behind all six caskets, each holding a member of my family as they rest on the floor. In front of us stands a crowd of people who knew my family as their friends, family members, classmates or coworkers. All had cherished memories of my family and now they wanted to pay their respects and say their last goodbyes.

"Even though their time on this earth was short our memories of them are still strong." I hear the minister say as I look out at the crowd, all dressed in black, sad expressions on all faces. I see the tears running down their cheeks and know they are afraid; not knowing how to go on without the ones they love. I even see tears in my aunt's eyes as my uncle holds her hand.

They look so lost and some seem angry, wondering why this tragedy had to happen, and blaming God for taking their loved ones away and thinking that it was unfair that he'd abandoned us in this world, that he didn't love us or even exist in some people's minds. It was a feeling that was all too familiar, though I can't say I feel like that now, for I know he's here and knows what he's doing. Even if we can't see him, he hasn't forgotten us.

I look over at Nancy who also has tears in her eyes, though she also has a bit of a glow on her face. After we'd left my family home yesterday, the two of us went to see a doctor who confirmed Nancy's pregnancy. We were both so excited we'd laughed and cried for hours. It's wonderful to know that in about seven months, I'll have a niece or nephew who I'm hoping will have my brother's eyes. Thank Aslan for the news of this child; I know Nancy will be a great mother while I'll help the child know their father, uncle, aunt, grandparents, and of course, the friends of Narnia. I'll make sure the child knows everything about Narnia and all its stories.

"Now, Susan Pevensie has a few words that she'd like to say." The minister then breaks me from my thoughts, everyone watching me as I stand in front of them all, doing my best to keep a firm head on my shoulders. As Queen, it was my job to stay strong for my subjects and reassure them that, even when it seemed all was lost, Aslan was there and would help us all get through our pain. Although the kingdom and my fellow Narnians were long gone, my fellow rulers lying in their caskets, I still had to take care of the people in front of me, many who had tears in their eyes and felt lost in this world. It was only right that I confront their pain; after all it was what Aslan would do as would any good ruler.

"Thank you Reverend, for your kind words. I know my family would have appreciated them as much as I do." I tell him before turning to the crowd. "I also want to thank you all for coming to honor their lives. I know you all loved them as I did". And still do, I tell myself, knowing they all live somewhere else now. "They'll be greatly missed. I know I'll miss my father's corny jokes and my mother's gentle e touch. I'll miss Peter's hugs and Edmund's advice. I'll also miss Lucy's cheerfulness as well as my cousin's kindness. They've all lived extraordinary lives in ways that I wish I could tell you, but you probably wouldn't believe me if I share some of their stories. Just know that, my family's lives held pain and sorrow as well as joy and love, which I'm sure many of you had seen".

I pause for a moment watching more tears fall from their eyes, as they stand in their black clothes looking more like dark shadows with nothing to cling to. "I know you were all devastated when you heard about their deaths; you probably wondered why this tragedy had to happen and why we're left here to suffer. Most of you are probably looking for someone to blame or wish that things had taken place differently. But, nobody could have known what was going to happen and nothing in life is ever certain. We can only move forward and cherish the memories of those we lost and know that they're in a new country, beyond this world. While in this world we should remember to be thankful for who, and what we have now. Even when it seems like we are; we are never alone."

I hear many people sneer my final not ready to let go, my Aunt and uncle included, but I did see slight smiles others, including Nancy and a young man who I remember being Jill’s brother, though I forget his first man, I lest I finally learned his sister’s.  I many people, including my Aunt and Uncle, sneer at my final remark; obviously not ready to let go as I am. On other faces, such as Nancy and a young man I knew to be Jill's brother, though I didn't know his name, I see smiles.

I grab six roses and walk over to the first casket, which belongs to Eustace. I place a rose on the casket. "Goodbye Eustace. I'm sorry I never bothered to get to know your "un-dragoned" self. I know now that you don't deserve your name." I whisper to him, not wanting my aunt and uncle to hear my last statement. Next, I walk over to my father's casket, placing another rose on its lid. "Father I'm sorry for everything I did or said wrong to you. Even if I am a Queen, I'll always be your little princess first. I love you dad, and oh, I do hope you've met the beavers; I always thought you and Mum would be great friends with them," I tell him.

I move on to my mother's coffin, once more laying a rose down. " I’m sure you were just as surprise as dad to learn your sons and daughters are kings and queens Though I know you always saw something royal in us all, I'll always be your little girl. I love you mum." I then moved on to Peter. "You were right Peter, I admit it. Aslan was the only one who could have saved me and he did, so you don't have to worry anymore. I also need to tell you that you're to be a father; don't worry though, even if you aren't here anymore the child will know you and will one day meet you. I love you, Peter and I’ll see you soon."

The next casket I go to is Edmund's, I place a rose on it. "I'm free Edmund, the witch no longer has any power over me. I go to Edmund casket and “I’m free Edmund, the witch has no more power over me, Although I guess she never any real power over me, I’m sorry I ever said she did, but you will be glad to know that she gone and will never bother everyone ever again. Of course, being in Aslan’s country you’ve forgotten all about her and any guilt you had, must be wonderful… I love you Edmund, and please stay out of trouble,” Though I guess I'm sure if it is possible for him to get in trouble or not.

I walk away from his casket and head to Lucy's, a tear running down my cheek as I lay my last rose on top. "Lucy, I..." I stop and take a deep breath. "I'm sorry Lucy, for everything I've ever done to hurt you. I don't know if you heard what I said the other day, I'm not sure if you're even hearing me now, but you, Peter and Edmund mean everything to me and always have and always will, even if we're separated now." I pause, swallowing my tears.

"I spoke to Aslan and I finally understand what you knew all along. I promise I'll never forget again and will treasure all my memories of Narnia and all my moments with you. Please be with me until we meet again. Send my love to Aunt Polly, the professor, Jill and all the Narnians with you. Tell the professor that I’ll always keep his wisdom in my mind and I’ll always believe in the impossible, tell aunt that my sorry for not taking her advise and I finally grow up in the right way. Tell Jill she has a lovely name and I’ll give her archery lessons when I get there., and finally tell the Narnians and all of are other friends the that I'll see you again one day. I miss and love you Lucy."

Finally, I move away to stand among the crowd, watching as they lower the caskets into the ground. A single tear runs down my cheek. It's alright though; I know I have Aslan. With him, I know I'll never be alone.     


	27. Chapter 27

I finished hanging lights in the garland over the fireplace while my husband was picking up his Mother and my Aunt and Uncle for the Christmas banquet tonight. Hopefully they won't mind any of the boarders, I tell myself as I step down from the stepping stool to look at my work. I smile as I watch the Christmas lights shine in the greenery.  _I can't believe I'd ever hate this holiday_ , I marvel while still staring at the lights.

"You know Susan, I don't think this room could be any brighter" Nancy says from behind me. I turn to see her standing in the doorway, a bow in her hands."

"Well you're the one who always said the garland looked better with lights," I tell her before walking away from the fireplace. "This is as many lights as you put every year," I reply, striding over to another box.

"Yes, but I used dimmer bulbs. With these ones, I'll have to take my son to an eye doctor," Nancy grins. I rummage through a box, searching for the stockings to hang over the fireplace.

"I'll take him, I'd love to spend more time with my nephew," I tell her, finally finding them and grabbing the stockings from the box.

"More like you love spoiling him," She remarks, causing me to laugh as I hang the stockings. I couldn't be any happier to have my best friend any nephew here. Of course, I've lived with Nancy since the accident and helped her through her pregnancy and did my part in aiding her with her son so that she could still teach. That way I figured I could learn about Aslan in this world and maybe spend my time serving him by ministering and counseling others.

"Susan, Nancy," I hear someone say as I watch another woman walk in, them carrying a box, beautifully carved wooden angels. "My husband made them, I thought you might like to put them on the tree." She adds as she hands me the box. I watch her as she stares at the box's contents.

"Thank you, Margaret. I'll make sure they're the first thing to go on the tree," I tell her before putting the box on a chair next to the other decorations.

"Well it's the least I could do. You and your husband have been so kind to me since Henry died. I can't thank you enough," she smiles. I can tell how much she misses him. Margaret's husband died in January and she was unable to find work and was about to lose her children as a result. My husband Derrick and I had agreed to let her stay here for as long as she needed to, and besides, they weren't our only boarders. The two of us had decided to take in anyone who needed a place to go, whether that person was going through a crisis and was just feeling lost.

"Of course, We're glad to have you here," I tell her before a crash sounded as something fell to the floor.

followed by an "owe" from Margaret's son and an

"uhoh" from her daughter.

"Benny, my mummy said no sword fighting in the hallway" I hear my little girl say.

"My mum going to kill me,"

Nancy sighs at the sound of her little boy's voice. "Ben!" she shouts before running upstairs, with Margaret and I right behind her.

We find the two little boys with wooden swords in one hand, a wooden shield in the other; the girls both had small bows made from a stick and red yarn for the string, and of course old cereals box filled with more sticks. I would have smiled if the group hadn't been standing by a broken vase, dirt and flowers next to the small table the flowers had originally been on.

"Timothy, Amy, are you alright?" Margaret asks, kneeling next to the children, with Nancy going to her son.

"What happened?" I ask, picking up my four-year-old Helen. Ben walks towards me, his wooden sword in his hand.

"Sorry Aunt Susan, Timothy and I were training, and I bumped into the table." Ben tells me while looking me in the eye. He's so much like his father, I think as I smile reassuringly at him.

"It's alright Ben, no one was hurt. Now, go get the broom and I'll help you clean up," I state. I put Helen down as Ben leaves and I start to pick up the bigger pieces of glass with Nancy's help

"What training is he talking about?" Margaret asks her children.

"Sword fighting." Tim tell her, "We're preparing for the next time someone tries to attack Cair Paravel." Tim states proudly as Nancy and I look at him.

"We're knights of Narnia and it's our job to protect it," Amy adds.

"For Narnia," My little Helen shouts, her little bow raised into the air. At that moment, the yarn came loose from the bow and fell onto her face. Nancy and I laugh while Margaret stares at the children, trying to understand.

I can't begin to describe just how much I love having the children around; especially since I can tell them all about Narnia without them thinking I made it up just to cope with my family's deaths.

"Hey!" I hear Ben shout. "It's my job to give the battle cry," he continues as he walks into the hallway, a broom and dust pan in his arms. Ben especially, loves to hear stories of Narnia, or I should say, he loves to hear stories of Peter's adventures. Almost every night I tell him about something magnificent Peter had done in his lifetime. A lot of the time he'd pretend to be in Narnia himself and get the other kids to play along.

"Well, as one of Narnia's Queens, I think it's time to take a break from training and come enjoy some biscuits in the kitchen." I watch as the smiles appear on the children's faces. "And make sure to help Princess Helen down the stairs". I watch as Amy grabs a hold of Helen and makes her way to the stairwell followed by Timothy, Margaret and Ben.

"Ben, you still have a mess to help clean up," Nancy says, causing Ben to sigh and sweep up what was left of the vase.

"Don't worry Ben, I'll make sure you get something extra special after we clean up." I tell him quietly causing him to smile.

"Susan stop spoiling my son," Nancy says firmly.

"I will when you take back all the toys you keep getting for Helen," I respond, and Nancy remains silent and I can only smile as she leaves to find something to put the broken glass in. I turn to him. "You know Ben, if your aunt Lucy was around she'd spoil you a lot more than I do," I smile. I could just see Lucy being great friends with both Ben and Helen. She'd play games with them, draw pictures for them and tell them about Narnia all day long. She was always the best storyteller out of the four of us. I sigh, picturing Lucy sitting in a big armchair crowded by Ben and Helen on each side as she read them a story from a book in her lap.

"You miss her, don't you?" I look at my nephew who'd stopped sweeping for a moment.

"I miss them all," I say as I feel a tear run down my cheek. I could see Edmund telling Ben how he'd annoy Peter and teaching Ben various pranks he could play on various relatives. Edmund would have been a fun uncle, I think to myself. "But they're in a better place now and I'm sure it's beautiful there." I state as I picture Peter listening to Ben talk about his day at school or comforting him after a nightmare. "I know they're happy there."

"Will I ever get to meet them?" he asks as I see a young woman walk out one of the bedrooms. It's Rachel, I see, another one of our residents. She'd run away from home and was trying to make a name for herself. She's got a fashionable dress on, legs covered by nylons, her face covered with makeup, and white powder, her lips a cherry red. She almost looked like a ghost.

"Excuse me Ben." I stride towards the young woman. "Good evening Rachel." She turns her cold eyes, which match her blue dress. "That's a lovely dress," I say softly.

"I bought it this morning; I wanted something new to wear to Betty's party." She answers, flashing me a huge grin, making it seem like Betty's party was the event of the century.

"Of course, I'm sure you'll be the best dressed woman there," I reassure her which only makes her smile grow even larger.

"I should be; I've worked hard to get both the dress and invitation. I wouldn't want anything less than the best." She states, the anger in her voice evident which just makes her eyes seem even colder and her face seem paler.

"I'm sure you'll have lots of fun. Just remember, that you'll always have a home here with us." I tell her, but she only stares at me with her cold eyes before turning away, heading towards the stairwell.

I sigh as I watch her make her descent. She's looking more and more like a ghost of a girl who'd do anything to be the most beautiful; a girl who craved power and pushed anyone who truly loved her away as she listened only to one who wished to turn her heart to stone.

I take a breath. There are times Jadis still haunts my dreams, where she's destroying another world while wearing my face. Those are the nights I spend sobbing as Derrick holds me; before we got married that Nancy's spend nights comforting me. I still remember what it was like to have no control over my own body, to have my hands wrapped around my brother's throat.

"Aunt Susan". I look up to see Ben staring at me with Peter's warm eyes. "I'm done cleaning up the vase," he tells me, bringing me back to the present moment. I turn to see that Rachel's made her way downstairs and I feel a grin spread across my face.

"Thank you, Ben." I kneel down beside him and pull him into a hug. "Never forget how much I love you. One day you will meet your grandparents, aunt, uncle, your father and all of Narnia. You just have to remember that Aslan is always with you." I hold him close as I feel a tear run down my cheek.

After a few moments I let out a sigh and releasing him, I see a tear on his cheek and wipe it away gently," Now there are some biscuits waiting for you downstairs." I smile and getting to my feet, take his hand as we head downstairs.

Downstairs Ben walks over to the table where Nancy, Margaret and the other children are sitting eating biscuits. I hear the front door open and turn to watch as Derrick walks in with his Mother, my aunt and uncle on their heels.

"Daddy!" Helen yells before running to him. He swoops her up and holds her close in a tight hug. Ben as well as Margaret's children rush over to him as well as Derrick kneels down to greet the other children in the same manner, while Nancy and Margaret stand in the background smiling at the sight. My aunt and uncle laugh along with Derrick's Mother, I'm glad they'd become friends since the accident. Soon I notice the other boarders entering the room, joining in the joy that seems to be filling the air.

I start to walk over to them to join in the festivities but instead I hesitate and turn to look at a picture hanging on the wall. It was a painting of a lion with gentle eyes that look as those they are gazing out at the whole room, keeping guard over it. Right now, though, they seem like they're looking right at me, with a smile dancing on its face.

 _Well done beloved,_  I hear a warm voice say. I couldn't help but smile before joining the others.


End file.
